About to give up and talking to crisis line

[VioletButterfly]

@SeekingAfrica - How are you doing today?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@SeekingAfrica - How are you doing today?

Not great. But, not terrible either. I finished few things that were making me hyperstress, and although there are 10x more issues to solve in the next 2 weeks or month, my mind needed a break. And my body. And after months of being unable to do so, I got back on my sleep meds so I can finally get through a night without waking in panic every few hours. So tonight is kind of mellow. Like between being so depressed that I couldn't go on and so anxious that I could give myself a heartattack, I burnt out a bit and for a moment everything but rest has faded to the background. Kind of need to disconnect tonight. But overall I think I've moves past the worst, at least for now. Although clearly there are big issues to be taken care of that led to this state I was in. But I get to rest for tonight before tackling those. And I'm allowing myself that rest, which is big for me. Thank you for checking up on me, that's really sweet. This forum helps a lot, it was really essential these few days.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I got rest and finally woke up slightly refreshed, yet all I can feel today is this sinking feeling that there is no point. That I will crumble at the next problem and there is no sense to try. That there is much to do but I'm the wrong person to do so. That my life is a mess I don't want to deal with. That I need something to make me feel better because I can't handle another day of feeling this low and I need something to keep me going for now, anything. Unfortunately anything quickly turns into food and I eat too much regularly. Clearly this crisis wasn't just about financial issues. Clearly a lot of it was about depression and my mental health. But I don't know how to begin when I have so little will left. How to keep at it. So yeah. Not a great time in my life. Not sure how to control myself,how to get a hang on this. I get these glimpses of a better life and then poof, here I am again waking up in dread of being myself.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Does your mind ever tend to run with never/ever/forever lies? I'm seeing shades of that in your writing, but am not sure. I know that they run me to exhaustion. I've been working on turning these around or off for a long time. I have been trying to just cope or ride the storm out, but I keep getting new storms blowing in and over my life. When it gets really bad, I tend to turn to my faith and trust in a power higher than myself. Otherwise, I just try to distract myself, but this is getting old and not working very well. It's all a bit circular. Is this how you're feeling? It seems like a pattern that you can't seem to break out of. Is this fair to say?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Does your mind ever tend to run with never/ever/forever lies? I'm seeing shades of that in your writing, but am not sure. I know that they run me to exhaustion. I've been working on turning these around or off for a long time. I have been trying to just cope or ride the storm out, but I keep getting new storms blowing in and over my life. When it gets really bad, I tend to turn to my faith and trust in a power higher than myself. Otherwise, I just try to distract myself, but this is getting old and not working very well. It's all a bit circular. Is this how you're feeling? It seems like a pattern that you can't seem to break out of. Is this fair to say?

Definitely gets this way when I'm in a bad mental health spot/period. I get to an extend that 'my thoughts are lying to me' but I still can't get a hang of them. There are intense times of feeling negative things... This now is the fallout right after that, when I don't feel sharply bad, but feel disconnected and hopeless without specific reason, or about everything at once, if that makes sense. Like I so much need to feel something good but nothing that usually helps helps than. Did that make any sense?

 

[VioletButterfly]

Yes, that's kind of where I'm at. I can't figure out what to do to help myself. Things that used to work aren't working now. I guess it scares me because I feel like I don't know how to function anymore. If all that I've tried to do and have done before in trying to help myself has gotten me to this point, then what is the point in trying anything anymore. Sorry, I guess that's kind of depressing. I'm still seeking though, but it is daunting.

 

[ms spock]

Sending hugs!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yes, that's kind of where I'm at. I can't figure out what to do to help myself. Things that used to work aren't working now. I guess it scares me because I feel like I don't know how to function anymore. If all that I've tried to do and have done before in trying to help myself has gotten me to this point, then what is the point in trying anything anymore. Sorry, I guess that's kind of depressing. I'm still seeking though, but it is daunting.

Yup, exactly like that. And the thing is if you've been trying for years and you were better at one point, it can be very disappointing to find yourself in that state again. I guess we'll both have to figure out the next helpful things. I do have a sweet spot, you know? Where I feel what I feel but I can still do what I need to and I can find hope in future projects and ideas. But somehow this last month destroyed a lot of small hopes for me and I'm not sure how to hope right now again... What to find joy in. I'm scared to hope again, afraid to glimpse into life that might get destroyed for me before I even try getting there.

 

[Deanna]

Sending hugs today from me and kitty!

 

[VioletButterfly]

I hear you. A while back I was going to a lot of meetings, i.e. 12 Steps. My favorite was Al Anon. So many good ideas and ways of thinking about things. It was good program to turn around my thinking. Last night I was looking up where meetings are being held these days and found a few I might try out. I'm not sure how else to change up my thinking. Like you, I've been in a better place before and was able to be more functional/productive. I feel like I've gone deep into the woods though and don't have any breadcrumbs laid down so that I can find my way back. Is the point that I need to find a new way to be though and to not look back? I've been thinking about that too and it scares me.

I think part of it is to work through shame. It's pretty all-encompassing in my life. So, I'm looking at radical self-acceptance again. There is a lot out on the net about this topic. I found this link and thought I'd share in case you're interested.

What is Self-Acceptance? 25 Exercises + Definition and Quotes

I also like Tara Brach's stuff. I've found her approach to be very helpful in the past. So, I'll try again.

What has worked for you in the past?


There has got to be a way through this. Where to, I don't know.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Today is one of those days when I'm not sure how to keep going. I went out for dance class wui h should be in half hour and I still only want to cry. I don't feel derlserving to be there. It's part of why I pushed myself to go anyway so I don't feel even worse at home.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hey - I just logged in a few minutes ago. Is there anyone in real-time that you can grab onto right now? Just even to go for tea or to have over for tea and chat? I believe you have a therapy appt upcoming? Can you share this thread with him/her possibly? It just seems that you need in person human contact. Any thoughts on that? Sending hope and light your way. Please take care of yourself. VB