About To Go Talk To A Long-term Acquaintance.

[rightkindofme]

All stories in my life about people are complicated. When I was 18 I got involved in the bdsm community. I met a lot of people through there. In that time and in that place I accepted a lot of behavior that was really inappropriate because I thought it was required in order to gain admittance to the community.

Fast forward many years. I have stopped compulsively sleeping with people. I am in a monogamous marriage.

I went to a wedding for some old friends I haven't seen in years. A guy I used to know leaned over me (when I was sitting at a table alone trying to manage a panic attack--I don't go out much) and said, "You look so hot I want to drag you to the coat closet."

I froze. I stared at the floor and waited for him to leave me alone. I'm not sure I breathed. He wandered off somewhat soon.

I didn't talk to anyone at the wedding about it. I spent the next several days crying.

I have a meeting set up with him in a coffee shop in less than two hours. I had to go through mutual friends in order to get ahold of him because I haven't really spoken to him in years.

I want to tell him a little bit about myself. I don't think he has any idea what he is doing. He used to be a police officer. I don't know if I am wasting my breath or setting myself up for a whole heap of new abuse. I'm really scared.

People only know your boundaries if you explain them. I met him at a time in my life when I was tolerated being continually objectified and degraded. I am no longer willing to tolerate these things.

I don't want to threaten him or make him feel bad. I want him to understand that his commentary is not coming across how he means it. I want to flat tell him that I have been suicidal most of my life. I get through a lot of nights making deals with myself to not do it until I finish ______.

I was raped by twelve people over twenty-three years. If I am ever raped again I do not believe I will survive it. I do not want to. I do not want to just be a hole any more. I really and truly don't believe I can survive that again. Everyone has a limit. I believe I am at mine.

Please do not make jokes about things that make me want to die. Not if you have even the smallest measure of affection for me. Please. Please. Please.

I am so scared.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so sorry for what you have gone through in your life. It was terrible.

You are very courageous.

When I go to have conversations relating to trauma, to speak my truth and set boundaries, I try to keep in mind that the response of the other person is beyond my control. Maybe they will "get" what I am saying, maybe not. Whatever they do or say ultimately reflects who they are and has nothing to do with me.

Whatever you do, do whatever you can to feel safe. I mean internally.

Sending support whatever you decide to do. If you feel too scared, please give yourself the option to go another time or rethink it another day. With what this guy said at the wedding, he does not sound sensitive to say the least.

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry that I just read this post and it is past the 2 hours of time that you were to meet him. I am hoping that you have changed your mind and not gone.

We do not owe anything to those from the past. If you have not had contact in many years, then what difference does it make what he thinks. We cannot change the world and can only focus on ourselves. I dont mean to be harsh, it just sounds like a bad can of worms to open. I can't see anything good coming from this.

Now in a mongomous marriage, will that be a trust issue with your spouse?

I wish you the best on this one. Please be careful

 

[rightkindofme]

Naw, my spouse trusts me. :)

I am so grateful I went. That was one of the best conversations I have had in a long time. I asked him if he knew anything about me--not really. I asked him if he knew what PTSD was. He laughed in that "I have lots of experience" kind of way.

He was absolutely horrified that I spent three days crying. He has PTSD. His wife has PTSD. We sat and traded trauma stories for an hour. We talked about how to deal with the spontaneous crying that wrecks your ability to function. We talked about the bdsm community and how we have both pulled back because of the abusive bullies.

He was ridiculously supportive and kind. He told me that he is sorry I ever felt one minute being afraid of him. He has spent his entire life in jobs where his responsibility was to keep people safe. He said he felt very ashamed of scaring me.

I'm really glad I went. I'm glad that people surprise me sometimes.

 

[Leah123]

Woohoo! Wow, I was so concerned for you following up on a random comment with someone you did not owe any explanation to. Yet... it seems your intuition was completely correct and the universe maybe sent you a gift in disguise. Wow.

 

[franciemarnie]

Unbelievable! That was fantastic. I am so thrilled how it turned out. Wow. Truly a dream response.

These conversations can turn out so badly or at least disappointing, so it is just great to read about a time where it works out.

 

[rightkindofme]

I try really hard to give people chances. Sometimes they suck. Sometimes people blow me away. It's why I keep trying.

 

[mamachick]

I am glad that it turned out well for you. Sorry that I cannot sugar coat this one, but I still think it was extremely poor judgement and the experience had no potential for healing and was potential for high risk. I dont care what the guy would say, any sociopath knows how to relate to another person and reel them into a friendship.

If someone (not in our circle of friendship) says something that offends, hurts, or scares us, what is the point in sharing our life story with them. I would ask myself what my motive is. What I hope to accomplish. What difference it will make in my life. Even with the best possible outcome, it says nothing about him and points out that you are a great target in the future.

I say this in the best interest of others who may think that setting up a meeting (with someone who has left such a negative impact) is a good idea. Nothing positive is to come from this. I dont know alot, but I am sure of this.

 

[rightkindofme]

Nothing positive is to come of this huh? With your crystal ball you know this for sure.

Maybe your reality isn't the only one in the world.

The experience had no potential for healing? Really? You get to decide this?

 

[rightkindofme]

Wow I am so angry I want to punch the wall. Thank you so much.

Nothing positive can come from this. Apparently not as long as there are people on the internet to tell me how stupid I am.

 

[Barberian]

I'm glad it went well for you. Please still consider him as a potential threat. Please don't meet him alone again, bring a friend or your husband. Anyone who has a shred of decency wouldn't have said that to you or any other woman unless they were in a consensual relationship. He is in a relationship. You are in a relationship. Most men are.... I hate to say it, because I am a man... dogs.

 

[mamachick]

rightkindofme-Im sorry my comment was so offending to you, I certainly did not mean for it to be hurtful nor was I stating that I think you are stupid.

I know my safety radar has been off due to past experiences, and at times it is confusing who to trust. I read your first post and it honestly scared me for you. I know my own poor judgements have not been lack of intellegence but have been rooted in emotions.

Before ptsd, I did spent many years working with both victims and perpetrators. I have no crystal ball, and it is often much easier to see the danger another is approaching than what is in front of my own face. I apologize that my abruptness hurt your feelings, that was not my intent.

I was recently reading (for myself/behavior) about the term "re-enacting trauma. The short version---It is about putting ourselves in an unsafe place and trying to change the outcome. Its not something that we are conscious of. Maybe this does not apply to you at all.
I am sorry I have offended you.