Sexual Assault Abuse And Sexual Side-effects - Relationships

[cherryblossom]

A couple of times (extremely rarely) she has asked me to stop what we were doing because she couldn't reach orgasm, and its not a problem for either of us. Its less than 5 times for sure out of 15 years of sex.

Now I'm even more confused.

A few months later, the pain went away for her, but it still didn't feel good. She never wanted sex, she seemed dispassionate and had no desire for me. Soon she became a refuser and we'd go 6+ months without sex on several occasions. She became a gatekeeper, had all the keys to our sex life and controlled everything. For a long time it was missionary position only and as usual she would not have any desire to enjoy sex with me and would not orgasm. It was for me only, one sided and I hated it.

Which is it?

Aside from a negligible couple of times in 15 years we've been having sex, she can enjoy physically easy to reach orgasms of various types and intensities without pain or any reason to fake it.

Your posts are completely contradictory. In one post your wife would have no desire for sex, and would not orgasm, yet in your latest posts, there have only been a negligible couple of times in 15 years of sex that she hasn't been easily able to orgasm. you've completely changed your facts. I really don't understand.

 

[cherryblossom]

It was painful for her at first, we couldn't even have sex that first time we tried.

The very first time we had any sexual contact she gushed and experienced female ejaculation.

Again, I have to ask - which part is true, what you said initially, or what you are saying now?

 

[thisbejoe7]

Your posts are completely contradictory. In one post your wife would have no desire for sex, and would not orgasm, yet in your latest posts, there have only been a negligible couple of times in 15 years of sex that she hasn't been easily able to orgasm. you've completely changed your facts. I really don't understand.

Thats a misrepresentation of what I said. There is no contradiction. She lacks desire for sex and sexual pleasure and most of our sex occurs without her having an orgasm. What I said earlier is that she often chooses not to orgasm, declining my repeated offers to do anything at all for her in order to bring her to orgasm.

The part about the negligible number of times where an orgasm has not been possible are so few (literally less than 5 times in 15 years which is barely even worth mentioning). The facts have not changed, and this is completely consistent with my earlier statements. I don't understand what you don't understand, every time I try to clarify you seem to come up with more accusations of me giving conflicting information. If you just don't get it, then perhaps you should move on? Other people get it, I've received several private messages from very understanding members of the forum. So, I'm really not sure why you can't seem to wrap your mind around our story.

To clarify about the no sex yet still "gushing" female ejaculation experience, thats exactly what happened. We couldn't have sex because she had a lot of pain initially. So we did other foreplay type stuff that first night and that is when we discovered that she was a squirter. Again, this is perfectly consistent, I'm not being inconsistent and I've told this story in parts several times now. It is starting to bother me how you keep trying to twist things so it looks like I'm intentionally misleading people about the facts of our story. Not cool.

 

[cherryblossom]

I quoted exactly what you said, and asked for clarification. That is not twisting your words or saying you are intentionally misleading people, it's asking for clarification about statements which to me seemed contradictory. You've said the same thing again above,

most of our sex occurs without her having an orgasm.

negligible number of times where an orgasm has not been possible are so few (literally less than 5 times in 15 years

You're right, I don't get it, so will stay out of it.

 

[Pencil]

Irrespective of whether the story changes or not, I find the detail distasteful and disrespectful towards your wife. She is entitled to privacy. Besides, it is off-topic in terms of the forum, which is PTSD.

 

[Lucycat]

Besides, it is off-topic in terms of the forum, which is PTSD.

The is the Sex abuse forum within MyPTSD and it is not a requirement to have PTSD.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Irrespective of whether the story changes or not, I find the detail distasteful and disrespectful towards your wife. She is entitled to privacy. Besides, it is off-topic in terms of the forum, which is PTSD.

I apologize if you are offended by the detail. I'm not sure how else to respond to people who question how I know things. I found it the only way to describe why I see the things the way I do. If you find something offensive, you are not required to read it.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks @lucykat. I still fail to see the point of the detail, though.

The point, thisbejoe7, is that one has to read text before knowing whether it is distasteful or not. I don't find it offensive, just distasteful. You're oversexed, your wife doesn't like sex. Now what? I can't help wondering what you hope to gain from these discussions.

Okay, I'm out of here.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Thanks @lucykat. I still fail to see the point of the detail, though.

The point, thisbejoe7, is that one has to read text before knowing whether it is distasteful or not. I don't find it offensive, just distasteful. You're oversexed, your wife doesn't like sex. Now what? I can't help wondering what you hope to gain from these discussions.

Okay, I'm out of here.

When someone challenges what you know, do you not wish to respond with facts and evidence for why you believe what you believe?

I think you have missed the point completely. And you are wrong in your assertion. I don't know how you can say I'm oversexed since you know nothing of my sex life. We have sex on average about 3 times a week. So yeah, if you consider that to be oversexed, then I guess you got me.

Your response is simple posturing and no substance, so I'm sorry you found it distasteful, but wish you the best in your purposes for being here anyway.

Thanks!

 

[joeylittle]

When someone challenges what you know, do you not wish to respond with facts and evidence for why you believe what you believe?

I believe I was the rigorous challenger, specifically in regard to your assumptions about your wife's inner life. But you started a thread asking for responses.

So does anyone have any feedback or suggestions? I'm very new to PTSD and its possible role in my situation. Any feedback is much appreciated

And that's what you are getting. How your own PTSD as a survivor of abuse is likely clouding all your perception of sexuality, including your experiences with your wife.

You seem to be getting hyperbolic in defending your current assessment of the situation: your wife now (according to you) was once into sex and found it pleasurable. But from your original post (which I was basing my questions on), you say:

My wife has a lot of issues as well...She basically shutdown her sexuality and never found a way to turn it on again. She was my first everything so I honestly have no experience with other women. This means that all I know is dysfunction and neglect or abuse. She has no sex drive at all, lots of inhibitions and there are so many things she won't do sexually. Needless to say I life of perpetual torture and sexual frustration.

So, if the above is really what the struggle and problem is, I still stand by the fact that your assumptions about your wife's experience here are likely tainting how the two of you relate. No matter what you think you know about someone else's body, feelings, etc - no matter how much you've read or what you see - you cannot know what they are thinking and feeling. You need to allow the other person space to express on their own.

There are a lot of women here trying to share with you their knowledge of sexual dysfunction from the other side.

Either entertain the notion that you could be looking through the wrong end of the telescope, or don't ask for feedback.

I wish this would get through to you. I wish you'd go back and re-read this thread from the beginning without defensiveness. Sex is a hard subject for people who have been sexually abused. We all know that.

I'm "challenging what you know" ( as you said in the quote up top of this post) because you asked for thoughts. My thought is you should challenge what you assume you know.

A big, big helpful DBT skill is recognizing how our thoughts flare up into feelings, assumptions, and actions when really: a thought is just a thought, with no inherent value. You've got many thoughts about your wife and they are tied to many feelings. Untangle all that. Work on yourself.

(Because I believe that's all we can do: work on ourselves and how we relate to others, not on others and how they relate to us. That is an inherent bias I have here.)