Abuse From My Son

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee Awesome job!!!!! He may get angry again, or sea saw with his texts. Up down behavior. I suspect that it will get worse before things get better. That's usually how things go. It will take some strong conviction on your end to not respond, so be aware....

Hang in there.....

 

[ladee]

@She Cat, it's amazing how things are unfolding. I don't even know what words to use. Validation?
Not sure but it really is helping me to belive and trust I am doing the right things for the right reasons,
at the right time.
I have run into two people who have asked about him. He lived in this town for a few years. I hesitate before I answer which seems to give the other person time to just start talking. They say they have heard from him and he told them he is homeless. I just shrug my shoulders to imply "oh well". Its none of their business and I owe no one an explanation.
By me doing Thats when they start telling me things he has done or said to them. All the lies he has told, the people he has used and conned.
I just listen. It is really helping me to not feel guilty or second guess my choice.
This is coming to me unsolicited. Just random encounters with people we both know.
with my rambling what I am trying to share is the Universe is looking out for me. I have no intention of repling to him. And I am getting validation that he has hurt and pissed people off.
Don't know if I am making sense. I just know that this time of no contact feels very different. Guess the other times were practice runs.
But the times before, I did not ask for help. This time I have voices of support and experience. Its just different this time.
I am calmer and more relaxed than I have been in ages.
So who knows what else will be exposed to validate I did the right thing for the right reason.

I just can't thank you all enough for taking the time and sharing your own pain, to help me build a very firm foundation for my own self care.
Namaste to all my Kidless Sisters. I value each of you. Thank you from my heart.
And prayers that reconciliation happens if it is meant to be, for each of us.
Onward, together.

 

[sedna]

@She Cat, it's amazing how things are unfolding. I don't even know what words to use. Va...

ladee I feel like you validated yourself first by not explaining your position or feeling the need to justify yourself when you saw those people.

One thing Ive learned in a similar situation is that the truth always carries a lot of weight, even when you have no evidence or appear to lack credibilty.

You didnt fail in your attempts before, I think you were just being a good mom and not wanting to give up completely yet. That seems like a strength to me, now you have the peace of mind to know that you exhausted all possibilities and can have a clear conscience.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee I had the same feelings as you do when I walked away from my daughter. Just a kind of peace that settled over me. I finally knew that what I did was the best decision. Not only for me, but for her too. We butted heads way too much, and it wasn't healthy.

Telling my story to you and everyone else has brought everything to the forefront again for me. It's ok, because I still know that I have done what I needed to do, and I'm ok. Revisiting old hurts, sometimes creates new beginings. IDK! Something like that I guess. I'm glad that you're doing ok.....

 

[ladee]

@She Cat, my personal belief is that we go thru things to help others. I know all of you relived this by sharing with me. And for that I am sorry. Sorry you had to go thru it. We don't stop loving our kids. But nothing changes if nothing changes. And our pain and hard LESSONS have to have some meaning or none of us could do this. I was not unconscious to the fact it was going to bring up wounds for others. But the fact that you have shared this very painful part of your life shows me your courage and strength. Your wisdom and experience has a lot of value.
You helped me by having me break it down. Leave all the nonsense behind and create a clear space for me to really see. To stop the insanity. I appreciate it more than I can express for giving me the gift of your experience.
Share with us what is coming up for you. Show me how to put it back together when this happens for me. Because it will.
@coco9, thank you for saying what you do! About my false starts. It is healing to read your insight. Healing for all of us.
So @She Cat, it's your turn now. Let us help.
Love and respect to each of you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee I'm ok really. Just telling you and everyone The crap with my kid just brought back all of the things I went through with her and one of my grandsons. You know how that is, you get to thinking and everything just comes flooding back. The emotions, the feelings, the things that were said and done.

Sometimes I think of the day she was born. I didn't get to see her until she was a day old, because I had a C-Section. Back then it was much different than today. When I think about holding her when they finally let me have her, how cute she was, but how fat she was too. She weighed almost 10lbs. She was a porker. Fast forward to almost 3 yrs ago, and she was a heroin junkie sitting in f*cking jail, and I'm the one that had her and her husband arrested. I have a lot of emotions running through me, some good, some bad, and some indifferent. But all churning like a tornado.

Even though the emotions are churning.... I KNOW I did the right thing in walking away.....

Thanks for asking.. It means a lot to know that others care. Thank you!!!!

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry @She Cat, it would have been so awesome to have posted this thread to find out no one else was experiancing this. but along with me, I know your sharing has helped many here. I feel that we are not supposed to forget what got us to the choices we had to make. Not that we need to bleed more over this issue, but to remind us of how far we have come in our own healing. There isn't much in my past, that when another thread here on the forum has opened and old wound, that I don't feel flooded... reliving the nightmares.
But then some sanity slips in and I get to see how far I have come... that tho painful, they were healthy choices.. Funny, when I went no contact with my family, it was no problem to look back and see why I made the choices I did. Our kids, a whole seperate issue. Very complex and enmeshed. Our personal 'failures'.
We only know one thing for sure... in order to survive we have had to make tough choices.
When J was about 17, he was going thru a very bad depression... long story short I ended up calling the cops because he refused to get out of his car .... He was ranting and crying and nothing we did could calm him down... the cops came and finally talked him out of the car. In the meantime I had made arrangements to have him put in an overnight lock down MH facility. I did not know what he was going to do.... I was scared and he would not talk... He was only there one night, but to this day he hates me for doing that.... funny how I never felt guilty for that... I was scared...
So we are going to look back, and see the whole picture, and remind ourself that somehow we made it out of the quagmire of own past... they do not get a free pass because of us.. we didn't get a free pass because of how our lives were either.
So, am sending you lots of gentle hugs, and lots of gratitude for allowing yourself to go back down that road to help a sister traveler.... we are here for you... I am setting quietly with you, just listening to your memories...your experiance has changed my life and the direction toward more healing...I will be forever grateful for that.... Namaste my friend.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee Thanks... I'm ok, taking "some" trips down memory lane. Others, not so much.....

 

[Deleted member 541]

A pretty good book to read....... Don't let your kids kill you. By Charles Rubin.

 

[shimmerz]

Charles Rubin, author: "Don"t Let Your Kids Kill You"

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that the book would also be a great tool for parents raising children today. When I read it a few months ago, I saw all the mistakes I made when my daughter was young. Doing way to much for her, enabling her WAY too much. Not letting her find her own way. So many mistakes. It was an eye opener, to say the least. I don't blame myself for the mistakes I made, I did the best that I could with what I was given.....

 

[mamachick]

I feel like I am sinking into that deep depression around heartbreak. I know a lot has to do with learned helplessness, but I have dreams about when my kids were little and awake with the realization of how things are. I can't seem to shake it. Yet another part of me does not want them in my life unless I was able to remove myself from the situation I am in with their father. It feel so damn hopeless. I am feeling like a lost cause.