Abuse From My Son

[ladee]

We are never a lost cause. We are humans whose lives are complicated and that have a very hard time finding balance.
I am so sorry you are feeling the depression closing in. I know that feeling well of damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I am also good at taking it all on.The crappy marriage. The crappy divorce and the crappy kids. So all of that made me the really crappy one.
I was in therapy at the time to help me untangle a lot of it. Do you have a T?
When I take it all non all I see is pain and craziness.
I had to learn to take one thing at a time and break it down. Just like @She Cat suggested I do with the shame and guilt with my son.
Anyone that opens up and shares is not a lost cause. You are a woman lost womanlostin a maze of pain and finding it hard to get out.
One thing I've had to remind myself of. Not all of that pain was depression. A lot of it was raw grief of so many things. Grieving choices, the simple fact that I didn't know better or that I didn't know I had different choices.
You are honored and valued by us. You are hurting. You are temprarily lost. But YOU are not a lost cause.
Please keep coming here and sharing. We will help you. You were here for me and I am here for you.
And sometimes our depressions are signs of new beginings. Letting go of lies about our self is hard work.
You are worth a lot to me. Gentle hugs for this rough time.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you ladee. You are right about it all. Some is probably not depression, and is grief. I have never been able to grieve the loss of myself yrs past, let alone my kids, my sister, and so much more. I don't feel like I have choices, I only feel so damn stuck. Maybe I am grieving the feelings of any freedom. Another yr coming to an end and I am stuck in the same place. I know that I suffer learned helplessness. Seems like something one could reverse, but its not that easy.

I don't have a T currently as my insurance will pay nothing, has some big deductible (like a yr of my income). I have on my list to make an appointment anyway and just pay out of pocket even if I have to sell furniture off to do it. Then I started getting sick this week and got nothing done, just getting sicker. My ability to walk is worsening, my breathing is worse and I keep smoking and using an inhaler, and I can't eat without getting deathly ill, My back is killing me till all I can do is curl up and try to sleep as much as possible.

I have applied for legal aid twice and after the first time missed a call, they left a message and said they would call back. That has been my focus for about 3 weeks. So I applied again. Have heard nothing. Each thing I need to do to improve my life feels like I am walking thru mud up to my waist for a mile.

I am avoiding the ex who is staying at my house and will now not leave unless I file for divorce. In hindsight, the only reason I think I was willing to give it a try was for my adult children, who want nothing to do with me. Now I have regressed years and have to fix this. If he see's me crying he screams at me. The last time this happened I got knocked down the steps,(I had it coming) so I stay in my room and try not to provoke him.

Thank you so much for thinking I am not a lost cause ladee, you do make me think that maybe I am just lost in all of this and need to find my way out of this maze. Your words mean so much. It means so much coming from you. I know that you experienced what I am talking about.

The lost children that we have are like a huge cloud of pain on top of the already difficult life.

 

[ladee]

The whole thing is complicated. Until you can get a T are there things you van read online that may help? Do you have access to a library? Can you afford to get books from Amazon or another vender? Do you have any books about PTSD or grief or anything recovery related that you can read again? Just something to help you hang on or help change that hopeless feeling?
Van you keep a journal without him finding it or sabotaging you with it?
One of the things I would do when journaling would be to pretend it was someone else that was feeling that way and what would I say to them.
I was amazed sometimes that I had a few answers for myself by doing it in the third person.
Is there a possibility you can find a T that works on a sliding scale?
Are there any groups you can join? Like grief group?
Can you get out and go for a walk? Even a short walk would help.
If you can journal, it van just be a stream of consciouness rambling. No order, no plan, just write. If something pops up you want to get serious about, write about it. Put it somewhere he would never find it.
Just do one tiny thing to get unstuck. Even if it's for ten minutes. Then add to it as you can.
You're right. I have been where you are. May be there again. Was stuck with the issues about my son.
29th the help of my sister warriors, I am unstuck have hope and direction
Setting with you quietly and supporting you. We are here for you.
You are not a lost cause, youvr just reached a crossroad on your journey.
Gentle hugs to you.

 

[ladee]

If nothing else my stupid typos should put a smile on your face! Just trying to understand what I mean is a good distracting excercise. Hey, will help any way that I can. ;)

 

[mamachick]

You are right, it is complicated, twisted and tangled. You do have many good suggestions ladee. I have lots of books but seem to have trouble focusing, but do read some. I do read stuff on line often. I journal and then shred often, I find that I never go back and read anyway, but my kids use to. One even came on here to snoop after she discovered my screen name. Writing a journal that way is great idea. I have known men who used a journal against wife in custody cases.

I have been getting out. There are no grief groups but I go to other groups 2 nights a week, and a class another night. I feel some comfort in these groups, actually I don't know what I would do without them, they are main source of contact.

I have such difficulty reaching out especially during the most painful times. I am so convinced, why would anyone want to do something with me (much stems from this f...ed up family and their rejection) I was not always this way. So I am trying to use some positive self talk and evidence that this is not true. A couple weeks ago, I asked a gal from group if she had any interest in doing this dance class and she loved the idea and we just started. So I am reminding myself that this is one small step and....that some people do find me likable. I tend to gravitate to people who are in some sort of recovery, most of the others I know are in some deep denial...lol I did say some sort of...to me that just means growth and questioning.

Thank you ladee. I am so glad that you have become unstuck. It is good knowing that we can come out the other side of this with hope and direction....regardless of how hard it may be to see at times. Im holding on to your words ladee!

 

[ladee]

Well see! You are doing many things to keep in touch with others and I wouldn't go to a dance class with a sad sack looser!
You've mentioned learned helpless a number of times. But sorry I'm not seeing this here. You've apparently made progress with this or you would not be taking any action at all .
Maybe some grief work is in order.
Possibly my previous attempts at no contact was grief work. So that this time I had reached the point of acceptance. Who knows. I don't question the journey. It usually hurts too much. But I do rejoice in the end result.
So keep up that self talk. Say it loud and say it proud. Give yourself a lot of credit for being where you are. No one else did that work , you did.
Hang in there. Things change as long as we don't give up on our self. Lots of hugs.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 WOW, asking someone to join you in a dance class... very brave and I'm so glad that she said yes..... you're not stuck... you are emerging, you just don't see it yet. I suggest changing your passwords on your computer so that NO ONE can get into it. Then journal your little heart away. RE READ everything too.... make note of all emotions when doing this. It's a good exercise to take note of HOW you are feeling.

You have lost a lot, but it's not all bad. You still have yourself, and you are working on getting yourself healthy, so that you can have healthier relationships with people. Even if they aren't the ones that we'd hope for, they will fill the void.

No one ever promised that our kids would grow up to be close to us. No one ever promised that marriage would be the whipped cream on the top of the cake. This is life, and the only thing that we can do, it to heal ourselves, and try to have healthy shit and people in our lives. If our children choose to stay away...... it's THEIR choice, and we ALL make choices. It's called life....

I know you are hurting... I've been there more times than you know with my daughter... I also know that you can come out on the other side of this with a better perspective......

 

[shimmerz]

No one ever promised that our kids would grow up to be close to us. No one ever promised that marriage would be the whipped cream on the top of the cake.

I think that part of the problem with this is that, in my day, it was up to the woman to make her husband and family happy. It was my job, my responsibility, and it drove everything that my mother part found validated her. And I think that that is a cultural program that needs to be let go of. Somehow.

I am working on releasing my attachments to being a Mother, being my children's Mother (individually), being my children's, children's Grandmother. I don't want to get stuck into another role that will have me invest in toxic external cues.

I finally get it, I think, that these roles are dangerous to fall into. Kids get their hooks into us and yank and yank until we lose our whole selves. If I am going to survive this mentally intact (which I will), I need to allow myself to let go of others' expectations of me. Lord knows, I have been told over and over again not to expect anything from them (well, abuse with just enough nice to keep me hooked). I think I have come to
'Don't ask me to be a kick assed family member when you refuse to step up to the gate. I'm not dragging anyone behind me anymore. Dead weight is no longer an option in my life.'

 

[ladee]

Fantastic to read @shimmerz!! And what too I said about the era we were raised in really hit a cord with me. That's it!! I was a failure because I could not keep a family together and my son turned out the way he did. You have actually put the ending into words for me. Thank you from my heart!!.
I know I am in the process of reframing my role as "mother". I can't disown that part of me. I won't let this make me leave another piece of me laying on the side of the road.
I want to become whole. And being a mom is part of this journey.
There are good memories too. I will not let him rob me of that. For me, that perpetuates the abuse. He does not have the power to take the good things from me.
If that is what works for you, then do what helps you heal.
But neither of us are failures. We have endured more than they will ever know. They are lost and broken. Just like we were. But we did not waste our lives hurting those we love and who loves us. We took up our bag of broken parts and started to rebuild.
And I know where you are with this. You will find your way out of this painful rats maze. We retrace many steps. But we do get out.
We will have battlescars, and will have picked up the pieces of our broken hearts and move a few steps forward.
It has not turned out as I wished it had. My son will always have the power to hurt me. What I do with that now is very different. Very different.
He has no reason to believe it's different this time. And his behavior will escalate. And I will come here for help. I will not do this alone ever again.
So happy you shared Shimmy. And we are here to support you. You really helped me by sharing about the era we were raised in. That is going to help so much in my reframing. Love ya and gentle hugs. PM me If you want. I'm here for you.(excuse the typos)

 

[ladee]

Sorry for being so. "Wordy", but I totally understand what you are mean about expectations.
Guess I amdoing what you are doing. Letting to of the attachments. We can do this. Thank you for all the help you have given me.

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry I have not responded earlier today. It has been a rough one. I read a post this morning but then had some complications.

Thanks ladee. I do pull myself up and am not a sad sack all the time, I just get discouraged really easily.

SheCat-good advice about changing password, but know daughter has come on as visitor and read my posts a couple yrs ago because she quoted what I wrote and said she found it online. She knows I am brat I think. Nothing I can do about that but I have been taking better measures to secure my privacy now. You are right about now promises. That is for sure.

Shimmerz -you are so right. I have been ......'s mom for so long, and we are so defined by making the family happy, that when they are so damn miserable, we carry that guilt. It doesn't stop when they grow up either. I should probably stay off Facebook too. It seems that every post is about wonderful daughters, mothers, grandchildren. Like a Norman Rockwell Christmas, my kids aren't even on my page of course, except if the go snooping I guess.

I love love love your last paragraph. Not dragging anyone to the gate anymore. That is so true. I feel like such an idiot that I have tried so hard to have family holidays, at a cost to myself most often. Dead weight no longer an option -perfect explanation of how I have felt in the past. I am sure everyone can relate to this last paragraph when it comes to family. We want to make things good, have peace and laughter, a real Kodak moment...(Ok I went to far, that is age telling for sure)

I agree with ladee, that hits a real cord. Oh ladee, I too feel a piece of me is laying along the road. We have to get past that.

So much is expected of women who come from a generation that has these ties of fixing it for everyone else, not just the mate and kids, but often our own parents poor health at the same time. It feels as though I was the glue that put everything together but no longer. Then on top of all the family and relationship stuff, must be able to be committed at work and make a good living as well. All the while, there is no mention of dad in this equation. I think that if I wrote down all the roles I had to play, changing hats every hour to accommodate, tolerate, and contend with others, I would likely be able to connect the dots better......Who the hell am I ? I don't even know anymore? I forget what I like, or what I ever wanted....I have just learned to exist with others, trying not to be any trouble, which paradoxicallyI have caused more trouble.

All of you are so much support. You have all been there. We will all come out better with time and self compassion. Guilt is our enemy, that I am certain of.

laded-have you studied Buddhist beliefs at all? They believe that attachments are most of the suffering. (I think) I am just learning more by going to a meditation group, that I missed tonight.

Thanks for so much encouragement and support sisters.

 

[Deleted member 541]

We will always be "Mothers" no matter what..... I just think that our roles as "Moms" are no longer. Two different words and I believe two different meanings, or level of closeness. Not sure I'm getting across what I mean. If my daughter and I were to even try and mend bridges again, (which I have no desire to do) I believe that I could not ever fall into that role as "mom again. I would be way to guarded. Sad, but it's how I feel.