You did great ladee!
I can only speak for myself, but sharing has been so much benefit to me. Though my intent was to let you know you are not alone and how much I relate, it is something that none of my friends are experiencing and makes me feel like something is really wrong with me, that I am such a defect, and that the original belief that I am not lovable (which I was taught very young) is the truth and I am just hopeless. To be honest, even though there is a group of us here and I love the new club here, I still feel different.
Others have talked about one grown child. I had my first child with my high school sweetheart who I married at 17. Our daughter J is now 40 yrs old. I knew nothing about bi polar at the time, but his father was, and he was, and my daughter is. She also witnesses so damn much physical abuse and other abuse as well. We divorced when she was 6 but she has suffered addiction and legal troubles. She has been very abusive and we struggle at times, but we love each other very much. Who knows, we may go no contact next week for all I know. When she was drugging and in legal stuff, I refused to watch, and I was also protecting my younger daughters, so they were pretty isolated from her behaviors.Sometimes I feel like I am being punished by God for turning my back on her. At the time I saw it as the right thing to do, and I still do now if I listen to my reasonable self and not my emotions. It was heartbreaking at times.
I remarried and had 2 more daughters. I married a man with NO emotions. Of course he had them but they were stuffed and he is passive aggressive. After awhile, I realized he was like a flat-line personality. With that comes no affection as well. A lot of rejection from him, and eventually I discovered it was better just getting beat. We separated when the girls were 13 and 15. They lived a protected and pampered life in many ways. The youngest, I will call S, has learning disability, the older , I will call K, is the abusive one I discuss here. I have no contact with K because of what I have told you all. The youngest was very quiet and replaced her dad with a very strange mormon boy. While K was always creating drama, S was almost invisible, until it became apparent that she was under some mind control. She graduated high school and married him and cut family ties and moved 3000 miles away. She cut contact with her older sisters and myself, and eventually with her father, and replaced us with the mormon community and husband and his family only.
I just believe that my last 2 daughters saw me very happy, (not ptsd then), living, traveling, some dating, good career, well respected, a good social life, etc. and their father passively calling the shots (not visiting them much, refusing to allow me to sell house which kept everyone in economic hardship) then when he saw them, he was sad, sulked, wore a sport coat with the lining shredded, patching his car up, etc (all the while, socking a bunch of money into annuities unknown to me) I hate to admit, but many times we would not have had food if it not for someone that I dated, though they don't really know that. K, who was so difficult, would call her dad and sick him on me if I made her unload the dishwasher or made her vacuum. He showed her that I had no power in the family year after year. He didn't pay a cent of child support, but paid utilities and would cut them off (accidentally of course) if he didn't like my behavior. He continues
to want to get back together and I resent him. I believe that his behavior was very effective in our current situation. I can forgive, but I will never forget.
I was married twice and never had a wedding. My mother was not there for any of my baby's births or any other events in my life. My first daughter never
married. She trust me fully with her children, I had custody of one daughter for a couple years. The 3rd ran off and married the mormon and did not invite any of her family. Her baby shower did not include inviting us. I have only seen my 6 yr old grandaguther 2 times for about an hour. Now the mean one got engaged at Christmas and is getting married in 2017, something that I will not be part of. Nor will I be part of the lives of her children.
I feel like I have 3 f...ed up daughters. THREE....How the hell can that be? The first genuinely had reason to have the issues. The second is just mean as a snake and the last is so gullible and encouragable and was swept away by this religion. (she lacks social skills, organization skills, etc) and her husband does it all for her, but for all we know, he may have 3 more wives by now as nobody is ever to travel to Utah. Her dad did it all for her until he moved out. He did her homework for her.
I feel like I have 2 personalities right now, one that wants to blame myself since I have 3 daughter this way. The other knows all the details and circumstances that led to the place we are at here, and I know that I was a really good mother, not just good enough damn it, but the last two daughters had a mom that was there for everything and tried to also teach responsibility and model a healthy lifestyle and I did not let them down until I had an accident when they were 16 and 18. There is an internal battle between the critic and the compassionate one and Im not sure who is going to win in the end, but the critic has been ruling my life too damn long. I just try to remember that God does know the truth and is not sucked into the manipulation and /or lies.
Ok, I got that off my chest. I am sorry for the rant! Can I still be in your Kidless Club?
