Sexual Assault Abused By My Dad (triggering)

[cat]

I'm finding it really hard to write this. I don't know how or when it started and I don't know the whole story yet.

I have memories of being in the bathroom with my dad, age five and age six, with no underwear on. I don't know what happened. But, after I remembered that, I had body memories. It was sore and painful down there, especially when I peed, for several days.

When I was little he sometimes pulled down my underpants to spank me. I don't remember him doing that to my brother. It was humiliating and helped teach me that I had no rights over my body.

At some point he started coming into my room at night and putting it in my mouth. I was scared to go to bed, I sucked my thumb, I drew messed-up pictures, but nobody noticed anything was wrong. As an adult I have a really bad gag reflex, panic attacks at the dentist and loads of TMJ/jaw problems (e.g. it dislocates when I yawn).

There are lots of things that suggest he might have raped me in my early teens, but I don't remember.

One day I told my mum I wanted to live in foster care. She got this funny look and asked if I had something to tell her. I don't know if that means she knew. I was sexually assaulted by two other people in childhood and from things she's said I believe she knew about one of them (another relative).

As a teenager I had several unwanted sexual experiences because I didn't know I could say no. It didn't occur to me that I had a say over my own body. I had a long-term boyfriend who repeatedly raped me but I didn't realise it was rape at the time. I was sexually assaulted once more after that. Hopefully that's it. It's been more than enough for one lifetime frankly.

I haven't got my head round the idea of what my dad did because it just makes me feel so horrified and ashamed.

We didn't have a great relationship anyway, both my parents are verbally abusive, they neglected me and my dad was always very aggressive and controlling. Once I started remembering this stuff I stopped talking to him and he's made zero effort to contact me. I feel better without him in my life but sad that I don't have a dad worth talking to.

I somehow put all this out my mind for ages but now I'm starting to deal with it in therapy. I'm kind of dissociated from everything right now because it hurts too much otherwise. I've only told my therapist a few details.

I have a lovely partner but I can't imagine ever telling him. What if he's disgusted by the idea of being where my dad's been, to put it in the most blunt, horrible way.

So, that's my story.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Once I started remembering this stuff I stopped talking to him and he's made zero effort to contact me. I feel better without him in my life but sad that I don't have a dad worth talking to.

I also don't talk to my father and I can understand the feeling of wishing for a father figure.

I have a lovely partner but I can't imagine ever telling him. What if he's disgusted by the idea of being where my dad's been, to put it in the most blunt, horrible way.

I understand your fear. Maybe one day you can tell your partner but if you aren't ready then you aren't ready.

I don't remember.

I don't remember a lot of my sexual abuse past either. I think it is pretty common to forget some/all of it.

Take care. :)

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Cat.

Well done for sharing your story. It's a really brave thing to do, because we all understand just how hard it is.

I'm sorry to hear all the things you have been through. It's always sad to hear when other adults in life either didn't spot anything was wrong, or just turned a blind eye.

It's really common to bury all this in the back of the mind. I have to think that it's the brains way of protecting us, until we're strong and stable enough to deal with it.

I personally think that talking to your boyfriend will be an important step in your recovery. How you feel now, will get better with therapy, but you can't just erase your past, and pretend it didn't happen. It will always be a part of your life, and I don't think keeping it a secret, will do your relationship any good in the long term.

We keep sexual abuse secret, because we feel ashamed. Hopefully, dealing with shame, guilt, self-blame etc will all be part of your Therapy, and perhaps then it will feel easier to talk to your boyfriend. I think it's a little unfair to second-guess his reaction, when he could be a huge support to you. I know that's a really scary thought. I'm not saying you need to have that conversation now, but I think, with the right therapy, and having some resolve around feeling ashamed, you will feel much more able to talk to him.

 

[cat]

Thank you for your replies. I think I'm reluctant to talk to people like my OH because I don't want to have to deal with other people's feelings and reactions as well as my own, if that makes sense. I need to be ready for that myself and I'm not.

 

[cherryblossom]

I do understand that. Which is why I said, not today, but hopefully at some point in the future. . .

Keep working hard in therapy, and keep talking here, breaking the silence is your best way to freedom from those secrets. :hug::hug:

 

[stephanie44]

Thank you for your bravery and I am so sorry you had to go through all of that awful sexual and verbal abuse. If you ever did choose to tell your partner, you could always bring him with you to therapy and only share what you felt ready to. It is okay to focus on your own healing. I bought a book called, The Courage To Heal many years ago and still use it to this day. I am glad you posted.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm very sorry you have had the life you have had. I was raped by 12 people over a 23 year period. It feels like I should be dead. There should be no way people can have that happen to them and they just keep walking. But I do.

I also talk about what happened to me. I blog publicly with my real name attached to it. I wrote a book with everyones names in it about the first 18 years of my life. (Only one cease and desist letter to my publisher so far.) I married the first person who ever asked me, "So what happened to you?" All of my early boyfriends either specifically discouraged me from talking about my abuse history or I just didn't feel safe bringing it up. I am so grateful for my husband. I feel seen. He wants to know me. He has read my entire blog archive (over ten years of blogging) multiple times. I'm not one of these 300-500 words per post people. I go through periods of posting 4,000-8,000 words a day for months. (I have a lot to say.) For him to have read that multiple times... whoo boy. That's dedication. <3

I encourage you to consider how to feel safe enough with your partner to disclose. If your partner is the kind of person who would hold such life experiences against you then he isn't a good enough partner for you. You deserve someone who will love and support you through ALL of the things that happen to you.

Good luck.

 

[PrayersHope]

@Cat

My advice is don't tell your boyfriend. This comes from experience. A lot of experience in life. It's none of his business. If you tell him it will put great deal of strain on the relationship. Maybe not in the beginning , but in time it will. I'm sorry , but I can't give you the cookie cutter advice and say "yes, sweetie, go ahead and tell him" when I know from experience and others, how much they regretted telling their significant other.

 

[PrayersHope]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to reply to rightkindofme. I typed my reply in the wrong box. I meant to reply to original poster.

 

[cherryblossom]

@PrayersHope, no problem, I have deleted your quote of rightkindofme, and inserted a tag to Cat, so she knows you have replied to her.

Just so as you are aware, for future reference, once posted you have a limited time (I think 1 hour, but I will have to check) in which to edit your own post. Altenatively (or if out of time to edit yourself), you can hit the 'report' button' in your post, type the reason why, in the pop up box, and staff will see to edit your post as soon as they can.

 

[cherryblossom]

My advice is don't tell your boyfriend.

I'm sorry, Prayershope, but I disagree with this advice. I agree with rightkindofme

If your partner is the kind of person who would hold such life experiences against you then he isn't a good enough partner for you. You deserve someone who will love and support you through ALL of the things that happen to you.

I would say, that the time has to feel right, and you have to feel comfortable disclosing your past, but I honestly don't see any benefit in keeping such a huge secret from your partner. Your past has had a huge impact on your life and making a definite decision to keep that a secret from your partner is a huge sacrifice to your own well-being.

I'm sorry to hear you have suffered so much in disclosing your past PrayersHope, but I have to believe that any partner worth staying with would accept and support someone with regards to whatever happened in the past.

It's just my opinion, but I think that keeping sexual abuse secret from significant others, only fuels all the negative emotions surrounding it for the survivor..

 

[padalac3]

I'm sorry, Prayershope, but I disagree with this advice. I agree with rightkindofme


I would say, that the time has to feel right, and you have to feel comfortable disclosing your past, but I honestly don't see any benefit in keeping such a huge secret from your partner. Your past has had a huge impact on your life and making a definite decision to keep that a secret from your partner is a huge sacrifice to your own well-being.

I'm sorry to hear you have suffered so much in disclosing your past PrayersHope, but I have to believe that any partner worth staying with would accept and support someone with regards to whatever happened in the past.

It's just my opinion, but I think that keeping sexual abuse secret from significant others, only fuels all the negative emotions surrounding it for the survivor..

I agree totally. Keeping stuff bottled up is allowing it to ferment. It will blow up one day and so much hurt and distrust and apathy will result. Better to let it out and let it evaporate in the company of love and understanding.