General He Is So Angry With Me! When Not To Apply Pressure

[hannah]

:crazy-eye :crazy: Ive done it again...... he invited me to ring him and so I did..... went well he told me he had a good weekend..... watched his nephew play football had a beer with his brother in law took the kids shopping...- left cards for Christmas with the family etc etc....then I blew it .... asked him what he was doing for Christmas? "dont know it is two weeks away" and hes taking each day at a time and its relaxing that way! ok I understand but its not the way we have done things in the past wrong ---- but I was on a downer and here I go........


Said just wondered as had he thought about us as he has obvoiusly thought about his family..... wrong again he getting really angry said he was driving in the rainand all I could think about was F...... Christmas no I said I was thinking of my kids as they were obviously thinking about him..... ok Ill f........think about it.... I said we had planned and he said they are OUR f......kids - I know now I have just pressured him and upset him and this is not what I set out to do..... but we are all scared of and for him.. God give me strength....:dont-know he said he would ring me tomorrow but I know tomorrow never comes ..........

 

[Jen]

Hannah sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It is so bloody hard to know what is the right thing to say and when. :dontknow:
Hang in there!
Jen

 

[Andrea42]

Nothing new......i tend to do that every day it seems... i believe they are going through enough in their heads so they cant seem to see ahead like we do...they dont make plans and/or look forward to what is coming up ahead......myhusband hates when i ask a million questions (specially about things he has no answers to) one day at a time...it will have to be that way for a while unfortunately...just enjoy the good time you do get to spend with him

 

[tig]

Hannah, They're under so much pressure internally that we don't know about... Have you thought about asking just 1 question? or better yet, try not calling him at all for a couple of days...("giving him space"). He might be feeling pressured & the calls & questions are making it worse. Maybe his demeanor will improve if you give him a bit of time. (That's what I do w/my moody hubby) I hope this has given you something you can work with.

 

[becvan]

TIg, you are right on the money with this one. Asking more than one question will just mess us up. Remember, we have tons of stuff racing through our heads every second. When you ask a question, we have to attempt to find a path through all that crap in our mind and formulate an answer. It's not easy and it can take a lot of time (depending on the question.) So expecting an immediate answer is completly unreasonable for us. We just are incapable of doing so. If we are pressured then a few different things can happen. We can withdraw, we can blow up, we can give an answer that we won't remember or will take back after thinking about it etc.. Time is neccessary for us. Then if you throw in numerous questions, well you can just forget it! We can't possibly sort through everything, attempt to concentrate, and come up with answers!! No way. Plus, forcing an answer will cause us to feel resentful as our needs are being ignored (the need for time to sort through the question and quiet to concentrate). Ask one question and leave it be...

Bec

 

[tig]

Bec, THANK YOU! At least I know I'm doing something right!!

 

[hannah]

Oh god - why cant I get this advice through my thick skull - I am not cut out for this PTSD spouse role - messed up again....... had a meet prior to christmas day ---- had a calm demeanor but asked tooooooo many questions - freaked him out and he went away upset and angry....... this a bloody nightmare for all of us .....I cant get the logical - illogical thing - you patient spouses need a medal.... I dont fit your category.... just causing him more upset .... Beam me up Scottty off this planet of inhumane nature....


sorry needed to get the frustration out... annoyed with myself.....

the Scene this afternoon.... he came up to talk about christmas day .... and to protect myself - I wanted to know where he thought it was going to lead?

why was he coming ? he just said he would like to come as the kids father ....ouch that hurt ...... ok so that led to question after question.... marriage - divorce etc etc ....... he then said he was going to continue the six months lease on the house - so I confrontred -he was planning his future without me !!!??? god help me that was it -he blew- he looked ata me - made an effort for him - hair - sexy dress the works - and he was angry that I was living my life - without him--- (he has chosen to rent a house - he doesnt want to see me ) cant do bloody right for doing wrong - does he want to see me a driibling crying wrecka s I am some days???!
Anyway - rang him to apologise - said that I was sorry it went bad as I was looking forward to seeing him...... he said he was just about to ring me and say the gloves were off it was oveer I should take the six months to find somebody else !!!???? and that he didnt know how he would feel at the end of the six months might re rent the house - oh god what a shambles - I'm worrried about him and he's sitting in the pub watching rugby - perhaps this is not a man under the guise of stress perhaps he is just a man who wants out and is too coward to say.????!!!!

Christmas Day - I really dont think soooooooooo

 

[tig]

Hannah, hun, I have so much I want to say; but if I did it might take a whole page. In reference to your comment about "not getting it" & "not fitting in," well, bull. First, you have to learn some of the things here that seem to work or be helpful, but then you actually have to implement them! I have learned sooo much here, it has literally saved my marriage once again!

This may sound silly, but please humor me to as I dare to use this analogy to illustrate at least part of your situation as I comprehend it, so that you may better understand your husband's frame of mind & the dynamics of your interactions with him:

Say you & your husband are together someplace, & someone discovers a bomb with only 5 minutes left before it explodes. Your husband is the ONLY one who can diffuse this bomb. For him, its a very tense, high anxiety, pressure-filled situation. He can think of nothing else aside from disarming this bomb. While he is attempting to do so, what would you do?
Would you a)walk up to him and begin to ask several questions that are important to you? b)if you don't get the answers you want, would you ask additional, pointed questions and push for answers? (Remember, the answers to these questions are not needed immediately...) The time left on that bomb is ticking away. If your husband is is dealing with added pressure, 1 of 2 things is going to happen: either your husband, given support & a respite from external pressures, will diffuse the bomb; or the bomb is going to blow up & so will your husband. The place that blows up is symbolic of your marriage.

Okay, I know that analogy sounds far fetched; but after reading it, my hubby agreed that it's alot like that. Internally, the anxiety, pressure & tension, anger, nightmares, insomnia, etc. they experience is at times overwhelming.
My impression is that your husband seems alot like that time bomb.:frown:

Remember-- 1 question only (then bite your tongue). 1 question won't overload him.

And what's wrong with looking your best every day--not for him, but for you???:biggrin: I know it's a pain & there may seem no point to it, & you may not even feel like it; BUT I'll bet you'll begin to feel better, stronger, have more self-confidence, & improve your self-esteem! Don't you deserve it???:wink:
(I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing you w/puffy, red eyes from crying all night that let him know how awful or devastated you feel inside. That's private. I offer this to you cuz I've been there.)

Hang in there, Hannah. We're all cheering for you. Things will get better.

Kim

 

[tig]

P.S. I'd lay off the "hard" questions for now (re: about divorce, etc.). He probably feels pressured to give some sort of answer which he may feel when he's angry (& backed into a corner), but may or may not feel when he's alone & calm. (Refer to Bec's entry, above)
Easy does it...

 

[tig]

Hannah, This just occurred to me... read the excerpt of your entry below & see what jumps out at you...

- messed up again....... had a meet prior to christmas day ---- had a calm demeanor but asked tooooooo many questions - freaked him out and he went away upset and angry....... this a bloody nightmare for all of us .....

why was he coming ?.... ok so that led to question after question.... marriage - divorce etc etc ... he then said he was going to continue the six months lease on the house - so I confrontred -he was planning his future without me !!!??? ...that was it -he blew- he looked ata me - made an effort for him - hair - sexy dress the works - and he was angry that I was living my life - without him--- (he has chosen to rent a house - he doesnt want to see me ) ...
Anyway - rang him to apologise - said that I was sorry it went bad as I was looking forward to seeing him...... he said he was just about to ring me and say the gloves were off it was oveer...

Maybe this can help you in some way.
1) I don't know about the two of you; but Terry & I are both guilty of this: the harder I push/pull Terry in one direction, the more he goes the other way--even if that's not really what he wants. It's because there's so much pressure to do what someone else wants, not what he (or I) want.

It just seems as if the more you confront him about living arrangements, the further away he gets...

2) Could your hubby's behavior be due in part to pressure he feels from: 1)too many questions, and 2) pressure he feels (esp. at X-mas) to be the husband & Dad he was before, moving back in & trying to live up to those roles as he did before? (yet feeling inside that he would fail? & not being able to accept what he might see as failure?)

His brain is already on "overload." All of the above is just too much to deal with.
I don't know...Just food for thought.

 

[hannah]

too late - because of our time differences and my damned impatience - and his non communicating - divorce is the word - he said he was angry enough to take the gloves off and "give me what I want" . I said that was clearly not what I wanted - just wanted my best friend and hubby back as I miss US so much . He says he knows how much I love him but that just causes him to be under more pressure. Says he has never given me any reason to hope there will ever be an us!!! SO I do think I am deluding myself and causing hurt and more pain in the meanwhile. The kids are fed up with the way he speaks to me - like something under his shoe!!!! an

 

[tig]

My heart goes out to you. I could tell you many things; but right now they would not comfort you. You have to grieve this loss... I'm so sorry that your children have to be so close to what's going on (I don't know their ages). Seems no matter how much one tries to keep the kids out of it, they get dragged into the middle of it anyway.
Keep posting so we know how you're doing. You will come out of this okay! You'll be in my prayers.
Kim