Abuser being recognized/lauded and they want a quote from me.

[FauxLiz]

One of many men that took advantage of me growing up is being recognized for the years of service he gave to his job and community tomorrow night. As someone that experienced his "coaching" I have been asked for a quote/comment on they years he was I my coach for the place naming ceremony tomorrow. The thing is he coached all but one of my siblings but they weren't "special" to him and at the same time none of them achieved the same level of success under him that I did. I was on the only state championship team he had, was an athlete at his prime two championship runner-up titles, one third place state finals, state championship and only athlete on three state qualifying teams in different sports in a single year under his coaching.

So how do I say I hate this man for the way he touched me, degraded me, made derogatory comments about my body and tried to prevent me from moving on after high school by attempting to sabotage college applications and scholarships in a way that doesn't expose me because I don't want the community to know. He is dying of cancer and doesn't have much longer, his daughter married my cousin it is a really really small town and thank heavens I don't have to be there.

 

[Friday]

“I’m not in the habit of applauding pedophiles.”

There’s a quote to send them!

 

[Friday]

Of course, if that’s not long enough, or someone might think you’ve confused whom you’ve been asked to gush over? You could always add.

“The most fitting tribute John Smith coach of blah blah blah could possibly be awarded isn’t this ceremony, but to cling to life in horrible agony for as long as possible, and die slowly in terrible pain. Fortunately it seems God has seen to that. It’s only a pity it’s too late for him to be raped to death in prison, first.”

Personally, though, I think all of that is implied in the short & sweet quote.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Friday I have thought those words many many days but I won't out him. My dad, my brother and so many close family relatives live in that community. I never reported him, the statute of limitations has expired, it would be my word against his and I can guarantee while he may survive the fall out, I am pretty sure the effect of reporting him now would not be good for my mental health.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You could prepare a written statement, and either read it out yourself, or have someone else do it.

At my restraining order hearing I wrote out a long statement of why I thought that the restraining order should be approved, going over, in general, what was done to me during the years I was dealing with that subhuman piece of shit.

I found it much easier to read something previously prepared, than it would have been to just say stuff off the cuff - I needed that writing, because I wouldn't have been able to say much without it.

It wasn't easy - but having a "script" to follow made it much easier, because I could just read everything out, word for word. It helped to have some water to sip when my throat got dry, I had to take pauses at moments and steel myself to read out the next sentence, but - having something written out helped me.

Maybe you could write something for the occasion? Maybe something short, or long, or whatever. You could take suggestions from us, etc.

It could be helpful to explain precisely what he did to you.

You could also throw in things like what @Friday said, and I'm sure others will contribute.

Good luck.
:hug: :hug:

 

[Friday]

but I won't out him.

That makes it easy then. You don’t say anything.

If pressed beyond civility?

“I have nothing nice to say about that man, and I will have no part in honoring him, in any way, now or ever. That’s the last word I have to say on the matter.”

That leaves the door open for countless types of falling out, doesn’t out you or him, and doesn’t slap his victims -including yourself- in the face with your praise, nor his loved ones with accusation.

 

[FauxLiz]

Right now what I have is.... I will always remember the impact he had on me from grade school on through high school as a teacher, counselor and most of all as a coach. It is true, simple and lets him know that I will never forget.

 

[Abstract]

Horrible horrible situation for you.

No pressure as you need to see what you feel comfortable with ... but will he? These people are often delusional. Or chose to be delusional.

Could you refuse to comment as all.

And just in case you lose site of it - it was your talent that helped you succeed.

 

[hithere]

this is just me, so take it for with a grain of salt. Can you send a message to the inquiring people and just say "I'm not able to do that for you." or--ignore the request altogether. Your question is making my insides jump all different directions. What my insides are kind of screaming is" "please do not give this person credit for your success. PLEASE. Just politely decline the request. " I just think that a month after, a year later, whatever you will have done yourself a disservice. I have something similar I think of course I don't really know if our situations are similar. But, where I'm at in recovery right now I called my attorney who was a prosecutor before he became a family law attorney. I asked him if the perp would have been tried or reported to the autorities what would that person be facing in terms of any legal punishment. My attorney told me life in prison or decades in prison. There's no way I could handle as a young teen reporting him to anyone--because my I was also getting serious mind screws at home-so perps know who to pick to mess with--I too was an athelete -- that success did not come from the coaching really-- it came from my own true grit and the love of competition and love of the sport--and damnit what gift I had was f*cking stolen from me. f*cking stolen. sorry I'm throwing my own shit in here, but you asked and it flipped a switch. I told myself I was just lazy and that's why I didn't continue and that lie worked until all hell has broken loose. I did not quit because I was lazy. I was f*cking overwhelmed. Whatever you do with this request to honor your perp, please do it FOR YOU.

 

[scout86]

Personally, I'd probably go with Friday's first suggestion. Of you don't want to out him (and I understand how that goes) I'd just reply that there's nothing I want say. I wouldn't want to say anything that might be construed as an endorsement.

 

[FauxLiz]

@hithere i am so sorry this brought things to the surface for you my first instinct was don’t reply but the request came from my youngest brother who is now school Board Pres and my oldest sister both of which will be there in person which fortunately distance protects me .

I have neve credited him with my success I started running long distance by myself i coached in grade school to get away from my home life. Lived miles in the country no neighbors only siblings which abused, bullied, molested and fed my parents neglect. I ran through my teens, 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s until injuries sidelined me from my most effective coping mechanism.

 

[Still Standing]

PLEASE. Just politely decline the request.

I'm in full support of this statement. ⬆ Perhaps you can say something along the lines of: "Thanks for the invite to participate in honoring so-and-so, but I am not able to do so at this time." Let it stand as is. They can think what they may. You owe no reason for declining.