Abuser not remembering their abuse

[Movingforward10]

MovingForward10 really it's for me to tell him why I am the way I am. He's very clueless about his actions he's done upon me.I need to get it off of my chest because I've been carrying this around inside of me for quite some time. He is respecting my boundaries. Although the other night he said that I belong in assisted living because of my fibromyalgia. That irritated me. I plan on bringing this up with his therapist. Because Im sure that she is going to have a lot to say about it.

And when you tell him about how he has impacted you, what do you want in response?

It sounds to me, everything you say about him is that he takes no responsibility.

I absolutely understand the desire to tell someone how their behaviour deeply wounded you. And for them to hear and take that.
But........he isn't. He is doing what he usually does. Just now it is dressed up in what is seen as a safe space in therapy.

But: has he actually apologised during any of this? Has he said: I want to hear how my behaviour hurt you because I want to learn and change?
.all I am hearing is him lieing and saying you need to live in supported accommodation, which seems patronising and dismissing.

Can you find peace with what he did within you. Leave him out of this entirely?


Or, if you are going to continue with this: do it with the knowledge that she is his therapist, so your experience today that she sides with him is likely to continue. And that he isn't going to hear you, as he hasn't to date so why suddenly now?

 

[CariCat]

MovingForward10 I don't like his therapist. And I don't like the way he's acting towards me. To him it's not a big deal. To me it is. Im pretty fed up with what he's saying to me. And making excuses for his behaviour. I have to have no contact with him. Because he' s just triggering the hell out of me.

Im not ready to be at peace with him.He's got issues with taking no accountability or remorse for his actions.

 

[Weemie]

But: I am highly highly sceptical about a therapist bringing in a victim into a perpetrators therapy.

Agreed, this should really be reserved for after both the victim and perpetrator have had plenty of their own therapy and the perpetrator is capable of remaining accountable which it is clear based on your dad's response he is not. It should also ideally be conducted by a neutral party, which she is not.

 

[CariCat]

i agree. I'm in the process of finding another therapist. One who specializes in PTSD. And family counseling.

 

[Movingforward10]

I have to have no contact with him. Because he' s just triggering the hell out of me.

That sounds very sensible.

him.He's got issues with taking no accountability or remorse for his actions.

Yeah, and it sounds like this won't change. He is who he is and he sees things the way he sees things. That's the reality and limitations of your Dad. He isn't going to say or do what you need or want from him.

Im not ready to be at peace with him

I wonder about reframing this.
Because being at peace is about peace within you. Acceptance within you. It's not letting someone off the hook for what they did. It's not necessarily forgiveness. But: a radical acceptance of this happened to you. By him.
I don't know if that makes sense.

He has failed in being a parent. He has failed in being safe to you. He continues to fail. Being at peace with his failures?
I don't think I am examining it right.

 

[Freddyt]

Im not ready to be at peace with him.He's got issues with taking no accountability or remorse for his actions.

........because to them - it wasn't abuse, it was likely normal everyday stuff.....

And in the end does it matter if there's accountability or remorse? Move on from there. You don't need their permission to get on with life and healing.

 

[Jminn]

Hi there Im new to this group.

I have a question.

I recently started therapy with my dad. (He's been abusive the later part of my life.)

I have PTSD and a victim of domestic abuse. I was physically assaulted by my brother and Dad.

My dad and I had our first therapy session last week. It was really hard for me to be in his presence because he makes me so nervous. When I told him why we are there he takes on complete denial. When I was talking about my memories. He came right out and said that he had absoultely no memory of them.I was very shocked because how can someone not remember dragging their daughter out of their bed when she comes home from the hospital?
my dad's best excuse after i bring up what hes done to me is, 'I feel like Im being possessed by demons. So I have no memory of doing things.'

No way - this is the definition of gas lighting. He wants you to question your reality. My mom did the same thing. Unless there is a brain injury, he absolutely knows what he did, and it should haunt him. He should be coming clean and begging you for forgiveness. So sorry you went through an abusive childhood. I wish you all the best in your healing.