Abuser Strikes Again I Guess I Really Am Helpless

[Wondering_Loner]

Well my Dad is partially in charge of my trust. Since I haven't been able to hold down a job its my only source of money. It's not much only enough to support me for maybe another year. I am moving to Europe and I informed them that I needed money for my tuition so it can be paid for at least 6 months. This allows me to work, something I've never been able to do before.

I also need this so I can cover at least some of my living expenses. I asked a month in advance for the funds to do this, but as soon as I mentioned my deadline Dad came in and stalled everything without telling me. I battled against the men in charge. I had to threaten legal action that I couldn't actually afford.I thought I won only to find out that he held it up long enough that the money will only be available after I land overseas.

Which means I have to fly back to the states and find a place to live there to deal with the embassy. I also can no longer work while I'm abroad. This is disaster for my plan to immigrate.

He does this every time there's a deadline I need to meet. When I tried to get into community college he delayed it until a day after the semester deadline. The accountants also take his side for reasons I don't know

Another time he told them that Mom hacked into my email and not to reply to anything I said. Since the accountants are in England its hard to call. I needed money and kept trying to call them for 3 or 4 weeks. He than left nice messages on my phone about talking things over. However as soon as I would pick up he would scream at me over and over again. Telling me that I didn't deserve to ever be happy. My lights were turned off as I scrambled to get something, anything together for my bills. I was also almost evicted and left homeless. I was 19 at the time.

My life has been like this for 10 years. I don't know how to get out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow! I so sorry! :hug:

Is there any way at all that you could gain authority over the trust? Is it to a certian age or forever that he has authority over the trust?

 

[Stickler]

Ok.
This is my suggestion, and you may not like it:

Cancel your plans to study in Europe entirely, come back to the US, enroll in an affordable college in the fall in a state with low tuition.
Use secured loans/grants/scholarships. Do it online if possible. Pick an urban center so you can work.
Remember, having a degree is your ticket to having a job, period.

Basically do it and DO NOT TELL HIM that is your plan.

Do not involve him in the slightest.

What you need to do in the meantime? Look for a part time job. Meanwhile, act as pathetic as possible to him. Call up sounding as pathetic as possible. Especially if you get a job, tell him you don't have one.
Tell him how miserable and helpless you are. The malignant bastard gets off on that. It makes him feel powerful. Cater to him, just don't believe it!

If he realizes you've got a viable plan to get away from him, he will try and stop you, so don't let him in on it at all. Act even more helpless.

Do ask the lawyers if there's anything you can do to get his name off the trust, as he's being financially abusive. But I doubt that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That so sucks though cause thats your trust meaning its your money and he is controlling you with it. Abusing you with it. Its disgusting!! Any way at all that you could get his name off the trust? If not in your name maybe another, non-abusive, and understanding family member? Id call legal aid and just ask. You should be able to consult with a lawyer for free and just see.

 

[Stickler]

Do not assume you will EVER get access to that money, much less access when you need it.

He could ( I think, in theory ) refuse to dispense it at all and require you to sue him...and if it looks like you'll get away I fully expect him to do that.

You might send the lawyers in Britain a notarized and signed letter that details everything he's ever done to you via the trust and failure to dispense your money.
They may not be able to do anything but it might help to officially inform them.

 

[Sideways]

You said that your Dad is partially in charge of your trust? Does that mean there is another trustee(s)? Do they understand your position?

Altering a trust deed to remove one of the trustees would involve legal fees, but if the other trustee is on your side, it may not require a great big fight, especially if both you and the other trustee agree that he's not acting in your best interest...? Just ideas...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You said that your Dad is partially in charge of your trust? Does that mean there is another trustee(s)? Do they understand your position?

Right. Plus what kind of trust? Is there a trust protector whom has the right to fire a trustee.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jayadki...bly-every-trust-should-have-one/#6eb5e317491d

There are many MANY kinds of trust though but id seek out to whom, if any, the trust prtector is and it cant be the trustee anymore per that site anyway.

Trust protectors do just that, protect the trust to ensure it is properly being used.

 

[shimmerz]

Telling me that I didn't deserve to ever be happy.

Sick malignant narcissist. f*cker. I agree that a person like this needs to be completely out of your life. Trust or not. Money means nothing if the bearer is driving you crazier with every day. I know. I have lived this life.

 

[Friday]

My life has been like this for 10 years. I don't know how to get out

Well... The good news is that if your trust is almost tapped, then the longest you'll have him in control of your money is a year, unless you choose to grant him access to it after that.

((That may sound insane, but watch out for it. Habits of years are hard things to break. No matter how abusive, or how much history you have knowing what he'll do if given an inch? Years of having his nose up in your business will have created habits of involving him in your business. Expect it. For awhile, no matter how free you feel with him no longer in control of your finances? Your knee jerk will be to inform him of matters that are none of his business, or to feel as if he has a right to know, etc. Knowing that ahead of time can make fighting those impulses easier. As well as forgiving yourself when you do slip up. Which will probably happen. Slipping up & including him in something? Does NOT grant him full and total access for the rest of forever. As soon as you catch yourself? Revoke it. Really. Your life. Your money. Your affairs. Even if he has a Power of Attorney? You can revoke that. Anything less than that? Ditto.))

& I know, very intimately, the frustrations of almost being able to make good... but having someone else actively blocking and sabotaging you from doing so. It's a very special brand of crazy-making

The only way "out" from that, that I've found, is to strip them of their power. IME:

1 - Physically. Disinclude them in all aspects of your finances and your life.

2 - Come to an understanding with yourself about "fair". A lot of things will not be fair. It's very easy to get chained by what could have / should have been, and how things would be different if only. Could have / Should have... Can gut you if you let it. Been there, and done that. Dealing with what's actually the case, instead of what might have been the case, can spare you untold grief/rage/frustration/despair.

3 - Similar to the above... Other people's ideas of fair? Can f*ck off. As an example I divorced my abusive ex the same time that my parents' friend's daughter divorced their abusive ex. Her life is exceptionally different from mine, and yet my parents blame me all the time for not being like their friend's daughter. There are countless examples here where other people -if you let them- can suck you into living in fantasy land. About how things might be/ could be/ or they think should be. Your life isn't theirs to live, no matter how much they poke their noses in and try to direct your life or your thoughts about your life. It's not their life. It's yours.

1 = Actually getting out from under
2&3 = Not living as if you're still caught.

 

[Wondering_Loner]

I'm trying to take this in but my head is too jumbled right now nothing is sinking in. I can't think straight. I'll come back when I can get my mind to work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Wondering_Loner in my opinion first find out what sort of trust it is. Google trusts, there are many many many.

Second, find out if the trust's trustee can be changed and also find out if the trust has a trust protecter.

In my opinion I would get my nose all up into the trust papers if possible or anything accessable to me and then find out every single thing about it that I could. That would be my first and formost because a trustee cant abuse his power's this way, thus why most trusts, that I saw in the small bit of research i did, have trust protectors whom can fire the trustee and appoint a new one but not themselves therefore, in recent years, a trustee cant be the trust protector.

All according to that forbes site and some others I googled. But what kind of trust is it? And then go from there. If you dont know then legally you can find out.

Again, just my opinion.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's in your best interest to get out from under his control. You know he has power over you and you know he's abusive (and I'm guessing unlikely to change).