Abusive Fantasies

[Secretshadows]

I suffered this for years, it's worse more recently. I also find that I cannot have an intimate moment with partner unless in my head I'm am suffering abuse. After its like when I was a child and a total mind crash that I'm so disgusted with myself.

 

[Lizzie Bell]

I'm afraid to post about this topic, but I can relate. Does anyone else out there understand?

 

[pi314159]

I've been ashamed of this for as long as I can remember. I spent hours and hours searching for other people who had the same "issues" before I decided I was going to post about it here.

I am really glad that I did because I realise I'm not the only one going through this. Each time someone posts on this thread I feel less disgusting. I have also had a few people private message me after reading my post.

I can't really say things have gotten better in terms of the inappropriate things I think and feel but now I'm not alone and I am not as disgusted with myself.

I hope you know it's not your fault and you're not alone.

If you ever want to chat you can message me.

 

[rebeccak]

You are not alone. I'm good at the sex part but don't connect either. To me, sex is connecting. I still sometimes like the thought of being a slut though. As long as it isn't all you think about, I don't think it's totally wrong (unless it's just totally abusive). I've slept with a lot of people. Definitely felt like a hooker since I was one having sex just to numb out. You get rid of the anxiety by numbing out. Easier to feel pain than anything else. Easier to be used than loved. You have to fight it and think the opposite and believe you are worthy of it. To get better, you will have to feel and it's scary to feel anything else but pain. But, it's good too. More you do it, the easier it gets.

 

[Lizzie Bell]

There must be more people that have this problem than I thought. It sounds as though it is not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse. Is there a misfire in the brain because of the abuse? I think there must be. It got to the point several years ago I literally "spanked" myself. It really turned me on. I got over that quickly, because it left bruises and my husband wondered where they came from.

At the time, I was involved with a women's group. We were studying about being real, honest with each other in the realm of Christianity. When I shared that I was abusing myself they seemed to accept me as I was. However, the director of the organization who was in the group, and had said earlier in the year that God told her he wanted us to be friends, became distant. I realized then there are some things you just don't share with others. No matter how spiritual they may seem.

 

[rainbow1]

Hi Lizzie, well done for trying to talk about it with your group that really took a lot of courage. It's just a shame they didn't respond well. I suppose it is hard for people to understand that haven't felt the same way. I also have gone down the 'spanking' road.

I met someone off the internet and met up with them a few times but felt too ashamed that I liked it. It made me feel as though I must have wanted the abuse to happen in the first place because I like being hurt physically.

After joining here I noticed a couple of people were reading the survivors guide to sex. You should have a read of it if you can, it gives some good information about survivors and lots of different sexual fantasies, preferences and deals with triggers as well. It also explains about different ways the abuse can make us feel about sex.

This is a really difficult thing to talk about but i'm glad that at least we can start to talk about it on here.

Rainbow.

 

[rebeccak]

Lizzie,

No offense but I would never share anything about my CSA in a religious setting. Nothing against god just people of religion really seem to shun me when I did. Still have no respect for organized religion because of it. Find a support group that is private (not a church one) to share your suffering is my advice.

Rebecca

 

[Lizzie Bell]

Thanks for your responses, Rainbow and Rebeccak. I will take a look at the book you suggested Rainbow. Can you buy it online? Rebeccak, although I haven't lost my faith, I completely understand where you are coming from. People are somettimes ignorant of what they don't understand.

One of my T's suggested I find someone I could trust to share my SA with. Someone that could support me in my journey through healing. I chose my pastor's wife. She said I should just forget it and move on, that I had lost my joy. Needless to say, I decided to move on from asking people to help me through this. I didn't share the part about spanking with her, thankfully. She would have probably freaked out!

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from others who have this perplexing problem.

 

[rainbow1]

Lizzie, yes the book is available online I downloaded it onto my kindle. I hope you find someone you can confide in to talk to about your SA. It is very hard to know who to trust and who will respond well. I confided in a friend recently for the first time and thankfully she was very supportive. Although I'm not comfortable telling her much yet.

You could maybe look for SA support groups in your area for extra support?

 

[Lizzie Bell]

Thank you, Rainbow. I would love to have a kindle! I'll have to look into buying one.

 

[MyStarryNight]

I understnad this topic very much. For me it started when I was around 11, while striaght up abusive daydreams started even earlier. I think that speaks to just how abuse can confuse someone and mess up there concepts of love and relationships. I've always been scared to mention it to anyone, even my t. I think I shall look into that book as well.

 

[Lizzie Bell]

Miruke, mine started when I was 13 and going through puberty. I feel relieved to have others understand my struggle.