Abusive Fantasies

[dolphin]

CONTAINS TRIGGERS

Thank you PI for posting this. I joined this group because of this thread. My story is a single event when I was six with an older boy next door. I struggled growing up with fantasies all the time. At first i would take myself back to the event and do things differently just to be able to sleep at night. When I hit puberty I started having fantasies that were horrible, things worse than what actually happened to me to help me get to sleep. So this has been my pattern, I have abusive fantasies to be able to sleep. When I started being sexually active I panicked anytime I felt trapped. I could not have missionary sex without hyperventilating. Even for years after I married my husband I would not let him hold me while we slept. Now that I know I can trust my husband I do not have these problems anymore, but the only way I can get turned on is for him to be forceful with me. I do enjoy sex now but I am not sure how healthy it is. I still fantasize during sex and before bed. I cannot stop even though I feel that I have healed from my childhood trauma.

You have helped me a lot here because I have been seeing a therapist for some time and even though I have told her about the rape, I have been scared to tell her about the fantasies. I think you have given me enough courage to approach this topic with her. Thank you again PI.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I had the same "problem" for years. When having sex i was just doing my best not to get the guy angry (early teens), then I took control throughout the ordeal and just faked emotions. But by myself....

I pinched myself, stuck needles through my nipples, held my clit with a tweezer and, as my memory of my first rape was these men using their whole fist up to the elbow, I tryed shoving all things that size inside me.... And I liked it but never any orgasm, and I always cryed and hated myself afterwords.

I have gone all numb the last 8-10 years, so it's no longer an issue, but I hate what I have done to myself

 

[SydneyH]

I also have this problem. Every few months, I used to feel an urge to do something that was arousing at the same time that it was abusive (to myself). When it was happening, I would dissociate from it, but feel arousal combined with self-disgust. And there is often an element of me punishing myself.

I have stopped this behavior, but have had a few dreams since where it still happens -- including the night before last. Like a couple of others, this fantasy is one of the things I feel the most shame about.

 

[Lionheart]

I can't do anything sexual unless I feel like a victim and like I have no control.
...I decided to believe that people chose to abuse me because I was special and they loved me

(((Pi314))),

If I am not mistaken, abusive fantasies are a type of numbing behavior and is often coupled with a heightened ability to deny, avoid, and repress feelings etc. This type of acting out is common, and rather safe if it doesn't cross the line into actual behavior.

A fantasy is simpy that...a fantasy, but if you are getting the urge to act out, with yourself in the role of victim, then this is a serious repercussion of abuse and needs to be addressed by a mental health professional immediately.

Nothing to be ashamed about though, you are talking about it and trying to move past it. I know for a fact that it takes guts and determination to heal from abuse, so I applaud you for your efforts!!!

Best of luck,
LH

 

[SydneyH]

Thanks Pi314 for posting those two blog entries. The quote below from faithallen was really good:

The problem with negative fantasies is that they continue the pattern of abuse. The sexual abuse survivor continues the abuse where the abusers left off. So, even though the sexual abuse survivor might succeed in achieving an orgasm by using negative fantasies, the aftermath of the orgasm is emotional pain, shame, and emptiness.​

 

[Anna]

I also have this problem as well. In fact, most of my formative sexual years as a young adult, all sex was sado masochistic. I learned to completly seperate love and sex. Looking back I feel rage towards my parents who were supposed to protect me and allowed me to develop into that self destructive animal. I am so glad I had a good therapist and managed to get myself out of it. I still have the fantasies though. It is awful in itself. Funny how the weirdos can home in on it as well?

 

[Stargazer Butterfly]

I, too, thought that I was alone in these thoughts. I have considered talking to others about this, but have been one or two words from actually strating the conversation, since I see how uncomfortable sexual abuse makes people feel. Thank you for being open about your feelings and thoughts.

 

[Tarot]

When I was a toddler I would act out rape fantasies. I would pretend someone was on top of me and I'd be struggling and screaming, "no!" and would also act out rape with my dolls. (note: I didn't really know about the whole penis and vagina thing, but I knew something because I always felt an element of deviousness and wrongness in it. So it's like I didn't know I was acting out rape, but I was acting out something that had been happening to me.) I remember one time asking this other little girl if she wanted to play with me (must have been 5) and I told her we can lay on our backs and wiggle and scream and pretend someone was on top of us and try to get them off. She was puzzled by this and didn't get the game. Honestly, neither did or do I. Lol

I tend to think I did this because the abuse started at an extremely young age and I have been repressing memories. I can only remember back to age 3 regarding the abuse, so I wouldn't be surprised if my grandmother (and maybe someone else possibly?) was doing things to me as an infant, too.

As an adult I really am turned on by rape scenes in movies and it makes me ill that that is how I respond to them physically. Not that I want to be raped-- deep down I don't think anyone does. But for some reason, even though the sexual abuse/incest was painful and never pleasurable for me, it is sexually arousing to me now. Themes of incest turn me on too a bit, but also disgust me at the same time. But obviously the rape and incest themes are "normal", because there is such a large audience for it in the porno industry.

Just wanted to add that I hope no one is freaked out about what I wrote. I know people are sharing their painful stories here and in no way am I tuned on by that. The rape fantasy is strictly something I picture myself experiencing and am not getting off on anyone's story here. Just wanted to make that clear as to not scare/offend anyone.

 

[miss_isolated]

I think it's a way of coping with the horror, please don't feel bad it's like when people make fun out of serious things like murder, suicide, serial killers, cannibalism etc rape is something that absolutely terrifies people if you don't make light of it, it can feel "too real" and the fantasies can make you feel "safe" or something... I dunno just one opinion.. I've had a few fantasies too myself in my adult life.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hmmm, I'm sorry, but also relieved that I'm not alone with this. I've felt such a disgusting horrible freak for it. When I'm with my bf, it's different, I know it's love and not abuse and I want it to be that. But there have been times when I've fantasized about being abused.

 

[miss_isolated]

The problem with negative fantasies is that they continue the pattern of abuse. The sexual abuse survivor continues the abuse where the abusers left off. So, even though the sexual abuse survivor might succeed in achieving an orgasm by using negative fantasies, the aftermath of the orgasm is emotional pain, shame, and emptiness.

Yes this quote means a lot to me and posting in the "my story" section has helped me to understand why I masturbate (sorry) to lesbian fantasies when I've never ever been attracted to woman in my whole life and couldn't ever see myself being with one in real life. I'm actually straight. I knew all along but I was beginning but was starting to question my sexuality.

My abuser suggested that he do to me what lesbians do with each other. So that's where the fantasies came from that plagued my childhood/teens/adulthood. I was only trying to "continue" the abuse. I guess I felt abnormal if I wasn't being abused in some way by myself or by someone else.

Lesbians of course are not negative I don't want to offend anyone. I am straight so the fantasies were not something real and are not in my own natural state of being.

 

[Tarot]

The problem with negative fantasies is that they continue the pattern of abuse. The sexual abuse survivor continues the abuse where the abusers left off. So, even though the sexual abuse survivor might succeed in achieving an orgasm by using negative fantasies, the aftermath of the orgasm is emotional pain, shame, and emptiness.

Yes this quote means a lot to me and posting in the "my story" section has helped me to understand why I masturbate (sorry) to lesbian fantasies when I've never ever been attracted to woman in my whole life and couldn't ever see myself being with one in real life. I'm actually straight. I knew all along but I was beginning but was starting to question my sexuality.

The quote means a lot to me, too. Like I said before, with my ex-boyfriend, I felt my sexual desires getting out of control. It was like a drug addict; I was developing a tolerance and I had to keep doing something more drastic and more vile and abusive in order to feel excited.

And, MI, I've also have questioned my sexuality, too. I know I am not a lesbian, but I have been very attracted to women and find them more appealing and sexy to watch than men at times. I wonder why this happens...?