Abusive Phone Call -- Advice Please

[Stir Ling]

As a result of my PTSD, I've cut off all ties with my abusive parents, a narcissist alcoholic father and enabling (masochist) alcoholic mother. This has required me to avoid family functions. Several people in the family know I have PTSD. I know that none of them discuss this, my child abuse, or any other "sensitive" topic.

Recently an aunt invited me to her daughter's/son's simultaneous birthday party, as they are born in the same month. Her daughter was 20 and only knew about the party 3 days in advance. I wrote a very polite message, complimented her daughter, but then declined the invitation. My aunt forwarded this message to her kids and added, "You see, Stir Ling has been unable to overcome what ails him. He believes others have more love for him than we do and does not want to participate in our party." Guilt trip.

I wrote her back to explain that this is unacceptable. She claimed she does't understand what's wrong with me, so I sent her some links to PTSD definitions (one from the Mayo clinic) and explained my position, that I'm afraid of being bullied or dismissed, that I must protect my young children from my toxic parents. She dismissed my message and bullied me, writing that she only looks for the positive in the world, doesn't have time for disappointments, and that life is too short for these demons. After another e-mail message, she finally called me and yelled and screamed and shouted.

The short story: she wants to meet so that I could explain what's wrong. This phone call has left me very confused, and has triggered all sorts of physical symptoms: tightness in the chest and belly, hardness in the throat, craving for sugar and other things.

Should I meet with this aunt? She is a horrible listener and terribly conceited, but she does mean well, despite her anger issues and bully personality. The central problem is that she's unable to acknowledge--not fully--that I was abused as a toddler and child by my parents. Perhaps a conversation would help. But my instinct tell me that she won't listen to a word I say and simply demand that I get better so that I can start attending family functions.

 

[wife of]

Post a letter maybe, then the reply from her needs to be a considered response and not a knee jerk reaction, especialy if you ask for her reply to be postal.

 

[Red Feather]

My mother is often demanding that I get better. It seems to me she demands this of me so that she can feel better. It is her guilt trip. I sometimes talk with her and explain to her how I feel, and then she starts yelling. But she seems to be getting it now. When I told her about my flashbacks, I think it got real for her. Nobody wants to be having intrusive flashbacks. And then it took MANY MORE conversations to get to her to start understanding.

I think for people to start understanding the enormous magnitute of what dealing with PTSD means, the person first has to get the fact that the symptoms are not voluntary, and that they have they have a physical effect on the body, and mostly if a doctor takes them seriously, then it means something. Most people respect what a doctor says. Like if a doctor says you need to rest, then you really do.

It is hard. It is hard to talk about being abused when someone's notoriety depends on it. I had to do it too when I was being stigmatised by my ex at my son's nursery. It was real important that I did, and I was real frightened about it. There was nothing that he wanted more was to keep the truth hidden, so that the image he gave off as a charismatic and gentle man was kept. But I went to the nursery school teachers and I told them the truth and they said it was real important. They were shocked actually.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

HI, it is nice to meet you. I would be very careful about spending time with this woman. Look at the triggering effect she has had on you already?

It does'nt sound like she is safe and it does'nt sound like she knows and respects boundriesl

It does sound very abusive, and you have to wonder how you would be feeling after you met with her.

She does'nt sound like she is interested in hearing, or seeing, or understanding you.

For years I tried to explain my ptsd to people, falsely thinking that they meant well. But they do not know what they are saying or doing and what kind of bad impact they are having.

She sounds very abusive. It sounds like it would be really easy to get sucked into her own brand of crazymaking and high drama.

Mabe you could tell her now is not a good time for you to meet with her, and you are sorry she is having the problem with your refusal to go. This sounds like high drama to me and I think you would get really messed up after you meet up with her.

But only you know how strong you are and if you could handle and deal with her. You would have to consider where the safest place to meet,, mabe a resturant where the likihood of scenes are low and it is nuetral ground where you could both leave if things got too heated up.

Decide how much time you want to commit to her. That way you have the boundry set beforee you get started.

There is so much to think about. I always hate it when you do your best and say a polite no and then get sucked into someones elses agenda. She wants her own way and mabe you already knows what she wants and how many people she intends to involve.

Well this is all I can come up with. I hope it helps and does not hurt. Good luck with whatever you do decide.

 

[Abrasky]

I would keep it it to a minimum if it were me. Toxic comes to mind.

You have to heal. And that involves stepping back from co-dependent relatives of your abusers. The guilt tripping is emotional blackmail, and from what you said it sounds like something that would set me off to never speaking to this person again:) .

But then that is me.

 

[712xx]

I've been a 'runner' and 'avoider' pretty much my whole life. It has led me to some pretty safe/creative places in the moment, but has disabled me in a few ways. A major one is confronting conflict. I've only recently learned how to stand up for myself in small indirect ways. If a larger issue comes up, I'm unable to handle it.

If I could give anyone advice, I'd say to exercise your self-preservation first. Then when you are feeling stronger, confront the conflict on your terms. You can say -- they have had their say (either by yelling, or minimizing your condition, or however they expressed their self). You tell them you have listened to their "opinions" about your life; tell them to shut up and listen to you fully without interuption, about how it really is experienced by you in real time. Tell them this is not opinion based, it is experience based, which has a lot more credibility.

This is what I wish I could do, but I can't. You know that old saying -- "Those who can't 'do' can teach those who can."

 

[Pale Warrior]

From one who ditched their family in favour of healing:

Let it go, let them live their life in denial. You were not put on this earth to teach those who don't want to learn.

It would be lovely if they saw the light, listened attentively and apologised with humble acceptance. Chances of that?

Stay safe and let them be.

PAX

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think if you feel that you could cope with telling her about your abuse, and her not listening and acting like an ass, then maybe it could be worth a chance.

I got in touch with a friend not long ago, because we fell because I thought she was bullying. But I didn't know I had ptsd at the time. So I thought I give her the benefit of the doubt. So now she has the understanding, but she wasn't capable of accepting it.

But I wasn't expecting anything, I was just giving her the chance to be a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person, and she simply doesn't have it in her.

But I feel better for giving her that chance because its enabled me to let go of the feeling that maybe her hurtful comments had been because I wasn't good enough, hadn't communicated properly etc. So now I can let that go.

But you don't owe your aunt this meeting. And you have to do whats best for your own health. So if you meet her, meet her for yourself.

 

[TeddySue]

Stir Ling:
After many years, I'm beginning to see that I appreciate my triggers. They are, for me, a warning sign that trouble is ahead. So now, what I have to do is listen very carefully to my emotions and walk away from trouble before it has a chance to trip me up. Easier said than done. When I read your post I was screaming inside myself: RUN! People are what they are and we really can't change them, we can only change the details. And I still say, RUN! What finally happened?

 

[woundedsoul]

This person appears to me to be TOXIC, or at the very least extremely ignorant of PTSD. PTSD is not just overcoming some life tragedy. Unfortunately, many, many people do not understand the severity of PTSD and it's many severe symptoms. I would stay away and be very, very, very proud of myself for handling the situation as kindly and courteously as you did with the original note. You can't change other's, we can only change ourselves and YOU are not the one that needs changing. Take good care. Sorry that you are now suffering symptoms and hope you are able to get well soon and understand completely that YOU are not the problem your relatives are.

 

[freakofnurture]

I think you have to figure out 1. how much value you put on that person 'getting it', 2. if you would benefit enough from her understanding in order to invest in it and 3. how much you are able to invest without hurting yourself/setting yourself back in your healing process.

I have made a lot of bad experiences myself, but I also have one grandmother who is just now really starting to 'get it' and to give great responses that feel good to hear. It is nice to witness this change and I am sure that, for her, it is a good thing, a growth thing. I can't tell you, though, if I consider my energy and pain well invested. Many of the PTSD-related talks we had didn't happen because I genuinely wanted to talk but because she either triggered my traumatic need to explain myself or because she sort of ambushed me with the topic.

I like the outcome but I'm not glad that the process happened. I really wish most of it hadn't.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I don't think a rational person would even consider meeting with her in person after that phone call.

It doesn't matter if seeing her would make it better or not. What matters is that you are actually considering exposing yourself to this CRAZY person yet another time! That calls for some serious reflection, don't you think?

Many of us who were abused suffer from approval-seeking behavior that we carry out in an attempt to get the positive attention/support that we didn't get as kids. You might be drawn to talk to her because you want her "approval". Even if you got her approval it wouldn't make up for what you missed in childhood and you would also be re-exposing yourself to an abusive person and possibly adding more trauma to your shopping cart!

Instead of meeting her, perhaps you should reflect on why you would even consider it after how she treated you. That would definitely be a more valuable use of your time!