I dont belive in forgivness. They told me "you must forgive your "mom", you must forgive this and you must forgive that. Hell no I dont have to forgive nothing. But I did need to learn see things in context, And there by accept. They could not have done otherwise apparently according to what them selves had to survive as kiddos And the historical context. Mom was a farmer girl and in that sense innocent. All though I know she went trough hell her self growing up. Grand ma was a real bitch. But I can understand that too knowing her story. Mom came to city and met this gangster and she was to naiv to know. And the gangster dad him self also grew up with scars from a total unearable childhood So all this I accept. But forgive is another matter. I can nor will not ever forgive such evil deeds no matter what.
And about forgiving my self - I wasnt part of it. I was a child. It was no my fault. But I did need to learn to forgive me self from the toxic self destructive behaviour I learned as a result of childhood when I became a grown up.
After reading @Ragdoll Circus post I realise yet again how important it was to me to start to learn how to be active / exercise. To learn how to then reunite with nature. I can see that this has had a huge impact on me being able to take my self back somewhat. Before I felt shitty inside and out Now I only feel shitty inside. Thats a huge step. But as talk of self confidence my activities has given me that. Or rather - through it I earned it. Step by step. Accomplishment by accomplishment. Also cause it has change how other people see me. I now have the rumour of being the sporty person. I know what is going inside of me. But to have this cover on the outside helps me. Then I can be shitty me, but still have a face I didnt have before outwards.
I can still remember as it was yesterday when this doomed on me. Realisation on how important it is.
I was at that time a real f*ck up. Had breakdown after breakdown after breakdowns. Could hardly bare another severe breakdown. It was a rainy day. I said to myself I cant do another destroy the apartment to destroy my self. So then I decided to do something else. Go for a long walk in the forest. The rain would cover my tears that would keep streaming down my face out of control. So I started to walk. And walked and walked. As I were to return after some time - Ive stopped crying. I didnt remember why I was crying. That was a realisation there is mend to the shit.
I still have to learn how to connect this with cognitive change of the interior do, but as of for now I have something that is valuable and that keeps me on my feets steady going.
And through this Ill add Ive also learned to see myself in the mirror without self loathing. Thats a huge relif. Most times that is. Even seing photos of my self aint so bad anmore.
And about forgiving my self - I wasnt part of it. I was a child. It was no my fault. But I did need to learn to forgive me self from the toxic self destructive behaviour I learned as a result of childhood when I became a grown up.
After reading @Ragdoll Circus post I realise yet again how important it was to me to start to learn how to be active / exercise. To learn how to then reunite with nature. I can see that this has had a huge impact on me being able to take my self back somewhat. Before I felt shitty inside and out Now I only feel shitty inside. Thats a huge step. But as talk of self confidence my activities has given me that. Or rather - through it I earned it. Step by step. Accomplishment by accomplishment. Also cause it has change how other people see me. I now have the rumour of being the sporty person. I know what is going inside of me. But to have this cover on the outside helps me. Then I can be shitty me, but still have a face I didnt have before outwards.
I can still remember as it was yesterday when this doomed on me. Realisation on how important it is.
I was at that time a real f*ck up. Had breakdown after breakdown after breakdowns. Could hardly bare another severe breakdown. It was a rainy day. I said to myself I cant do another destroy the apartment to destroy my self. So then I decided to do something else. Go for a long walk in the forest. The rain would cover my tears that would keep streaming down my face out of control. So I started to walk. And walked and walked. As I were to return after some time - Ive stopped crying. I didnt remember why I was crying. That was a realisation there is mend to the shit.
I still have to learn how to connect this with cognitive change of the interior do, but as of for now I have something that is valuable and that keeps me on my feets steady going.
And through this Ill add Ive also learned to see myself in the mirror without self loathing. Thats a huge relif. Most times that is. Even seing photos of my self aint so bad anmore.
