Accepting Possible Betrayal

[PitbullLOVE]

I came across this while searching Fear of Abandonment threads and found it extremely interesting (written by Pencil):

No-one can ever say that a partner will never betray, and I think this is a crucial difference between people with PTSD / abandonment issues, and those without. Those without know that they might be betrayed by their partner / brother / minister, whoever, but they are better judges of character, they read the signs better, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, they know that if it should happen, they would survive it. Besides, you might be the one to end up betraying your girlfriend, or ending the relationship. That's how life and relationships work.

We, on the other hand, want our relationships to come with a warranty and remote control. That's not how life and relationships work.

I had honestly never thought of this. This was really quite an insight for me. My thought process has always been that I cannot trust people because they might betray me. I could never, and still cannot, come to terms with the fact that you can willingly trust someone that may betray you (cheat on you, lie to you, etc.) and accept that that is the way that relationships work. That seems so foreign to me! Is that weird? I don't want to trust anyone that I think might hurt me...I only want to trust people that I have 100% confidence will not hurt me, which I know - is a hell of a lot for a person to prove (which is why I don't have any close relationships).

Anyway, that was such an insight for me.

Anyone have anything to add to this or anything else they have learned that they would like to share?

 

[shimmerz]

@PitbullLOVE that thinking to me is very black and white thinking. As time goes on and therapy and insight happen, there is a process that allows us to trust that some people are trustable with some things and not others but they are not 100 percent good or bad. For myself for quite some time I couldn't see this. So important people had to be all good or they had to go - or I had to trick myself into believing they were 100 percent good at all costs so I didn't have to let them go. The other alternative as you mentioned, is not to let in at all.

Once the grey starts coming in - trust a liar to lie - so don't take him seriously, but he could be the most loyal friend EVER - so that part you trust. So for me it was learning to trust pieces of the person soundly which allowed me to trust my judgement better.

You see the bar is impossibly high and not fair to others when I expected them to be 'everything good' to me.

@Pencil is brilliant. :)

 

[PitbullLOVE]

Wow that is a great way to put it! Thank you so much.

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhh, I am so happy that you found it helpful. Thanks @PitbullLOVE . ;)

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Pencil is right on the nose. What stinks is the thought of no guarantees in any relationship being solid or "for sure". This is why I have trouble with relationships. I just can't deal with people who use others and leave us feeling empty and used. My reading of people helps me with that so I just stay away.

 

[maryiscontrary]

I think it has to do with developing relationships where you can assess risk better, so you can calculate the odds of somebody being a betraying douche. I mean, with poor boundaries, your inner risk assessor is turned off, so the odds increase greatly that you will be in relationships with assholes. There is no guarantee, but there sure is hell is decent sizing up skills we can help ourselves develops so that we greatly decrease these odds.