Accepting respect

[ILoveLife]

Hi all.

I have a really hard time distinguishing respect and with accepting respect or lack of it from people around me, being friends or family. It's easier online, for obvious reasons, but the truth is I really don't stick up for myself generally, and end up just walking away without confrontation.

Lately I've been noticing patterns in relationships around me, like a "friend" who is really disrespectful of my sobriety and my mental ailments.
Or my mom, who loses her temper over stupid stuff and I don't reply.
Or even people on the bus who shove me aside and I say nothing.
I never say anything, I think it's for fear of losing them - not the people on the bus, that's just because well, why bother -, and possibly fear of being alone.

But now, I realized I love being more isolated, with a few respectful people around me who I can send a text or email and have a chuckle, things that aren't fake you know?
It takes a lot of me to keep wanting to be respected, and then not be again, and never confronting anyone about it.

I think even if I confronted them, nothing would change, there would be disagreement.
The only one of them who actually changes behaviors when I speak about it is my mom, even if later she goes back to baseline.

I figure this is a remnant of Days of Abuse and I figure I need to back away from the people who do this.

Can anyone pinpoint why I generally accept this endlessly? I want to get away from these situations, but don't want them to keep repeating themselves with other people, it's exhausting.

Anyone who also has this issue here?

Thanks for reading and for any input you may have.

 

[Freida]

Can anyone pinpoint why I generally accept this endlessly?

I'm kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum, but what I've seen from some of my friends is it is usually a self-esteem issue. They have a hard time standing up for themselves because they don't feel like they deserve the respect they want. So maybe looking inward first? You said you think it may be a case of fear of losing them. Can you ask yourself why you would want them in your life if they don't respect you? What benefits do they bring to you? Relationships should be two way -- both people gain something.

One weird thing that a couple people have said helped is Toastmasters . I thought that was a group that taught people how to make speeches, but it's really about how to present yourself as someone who should be listened to (or respected). It seemed to help them gain confidence in how they related to others. maybe worth a look?

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you ask yourself why you would want them in your life if they don't respect you?

Yeah.. I don't know. I'm used to being the odd duck, the ugly duckling, etc. It really didn't occur to me before that things could be different. I guess now I have a little more self esteem, or at least enough to understand it happens and that I don't want it?
I don't want that particular person in my life for quite a while now, but I'm afraid of being too isolated.
Like, we HAVE to have friends, right? We don't, but that's the societal rule.

What benefits do they bring to you?

None really.
My mom doesn't disrespect me, just has a bad temper and it's nothing to do with me. She apologizes and changes behaviors.
Others I think just don't give a shit.

Relationships should be two way -- both people gain something.

Yeah, I had to stop and read this twice because it rang like an old phone.
I always give more.

maybe worth a look?

Ah, cools. I'll look into it :)

Thanks :hug:

 

[Teasel]

Definitely relate to this. Though in the past 2 decades I have been learning to stand up for myself and am less likely to keep accepting disrespectful behaviour from others.

I remember though that I used never to stand up for myself.

Growing up I guess the disrespect and abuse was just so bloody relentless. From everyone including those I relied on for survival.

Things I can think of that might be related - think about the four F's Pete Walker mentions when fight or flight don't work we might freeze or fawn.

I know I grew up with a Dad with explosive terrifying anger and I've always been terrified of conflict. It has taken years of abusive relationships for me to begin being so fed up with the treatment I've gotten and for me to begin to be able to feel and act on my anger - not talking about lashing out - but I associate any kind of standing up for myself as being related to the anger I'd always buried...

Self worth comes to mind too. As that's increased I've been a good bit less inclined to continuously accept disrespect from others.

It sounds like a really good thing that you're questioning this now, recognising what and who you no longer really want in your life.
Best :)

 

[ILoveLife]

I have been learning to stand up for myself am less likely to keep accepting disrespectful behaviour from others.

How did you start?
I'm a bit of a pushover, but when a limit is crossed I can be a bit explosive. Not sure how to find balance.

Thanks berlinda :) :hug:

 

[Teasel]

Sorry to say I think I've literally been pushed into learning how to stand up for myself by the relentless bloody abuse & disrespect.

Things that come to mind apart from that - self worth for sure - those moments when you find yourself thinking - actually I'm not as bad as all that, actually that person treated me pretty shittilly and (instead of the usual - thinking I must deserve it) not being impressed with it / them.

Defo it's a gradual process though I'm sure there are things you can do to help - like Frida suggests, something like toastmasters. Or self defence / martial arts.

Or like I'm on the waiting list for equine therapy. Cause I suspect I could learn some very valuable stuff about how I present to others energetically. I guess I think the equine therapy ight be good at teaching me balance - nor too much a vicTim, not too much over compensatin for being a victim.

If I think of anything else will add to this later :-)

I think core beliefs are really important here too. Maybe try to notice thoughts you have during or shortly after these kinds of incidents. See if you can see a pattern.

 

[ILoveLife]

Last night I received a weird text and my initial reaction was "Hell no!".. so I guess I'm getting better? :D

I'll try to look into it deeper.

 

[Teasel]

Sounds like :D

Last thought - aging is facking brilliant for this. The older you get the better. So year on year improvements are to be expected. :P

 

[ILoveLife]

Can't wait to be elderly :roflmao:

 

[Friday]

Never underestimate the power of habit.

Seriously. Origin stories aside, important as they are, how we live our lives day to day without thinking? What we accept as normal, because it is normal? Powerful subcurrent, that. One that often goes unnoticed, until it suddenly changes.

 

[TTC18]

I have this issue as well. I am unable to 'conflict' well - so I tend to avoid confronting whatever behavior is making me unhappy. I just accept it until I can't stand it anymore and then walk away from that relationship. Not a very good way to handle things, but I just don't trust other people enough to give them my feelings, so that's how it is for now. Hoping to someday be able to deal with things better!! :)

 

[intothelight]

I think there is a shift at some point where you learn to expect respect. Someone doesn't have to agree or like me, but they should respect me. Walking away is the best solution as a person that doesn't respect you isn't worth wasting your time on.