@Sietz
I think you got a lot of responses around this issue, but I would like to offer my experience and hope you find something or nothing at all.
When it comes a long pattern of relating to others, it is easier to say it is others and it is really hard to own it because you have been like this for so long so you truly believe it is them; but I will differ that is not always the case. None of these people sit around and say hmm let us treat Sietz with no respect for her self agency and boundary crossed and take advantage of. I doubt they do that behind your back. So each one of them to act the same, something must be said that you are giving a permission (only you have the power). But you need to acknowledge what is it you are gaining from it. Usually and ultimately it kind of looks like love but it is not. It is time investment. You know these people for so long, so you do not who you are truly without them. You are afraid to find you do not like yourself and you may have deserve this all along – this is not your destiny though.
You could wait until they all die or move or leave you or you could take an unprecedented risk with the one person you feel most safe with and probably the person you think their love for you is real even under all this hubris. I think that is your mother.
In my opinion, your mother loves you and you love her, but this dynamic is the source of you not feeling respected. You do not have it internalized. You cannot force it intellectually, you tried that already. Does not work. You cannot just go and buy self-esteem, you need to do something heroic to gain that.
You need to become different person few times and risk something.
If I were you, and I truly believed I feel safe with mommy and I am convinced mommy’s love is real (only these conditions met):
I would stand up to mommy in a kind way to also teach her that her way of talking to you is no longer acceptable or acceptable anywhere else in the world.
Unless mommy is dotage, senile, dementia, or has the psychological of a worm, you need to change the exact place where you picked this trait, part, or internalization and that is with mommy.
Next time mommy says something that you feel in your body is intruding to your boundary (and you will feel something when others poke your boundary – if you do not feel that is another post). Hold that feeling, touch if you can where it is landing in your body, journal it, but most important – try to name the emotion specifically (cannot be triggered that is too general). And then you can say next time, mom, I respect you but I want you to stop talking like that – use real example or using that word or saying this – VERY SPECIFIC. AND YOU MUST HAVE HER FULL ATTENTION AND FULL EYE CONTACT. finish this with saying how this hurt your feelings, upset you, crossed your boundaries, felt of disrespect. Whatever that is, you need to state what she needs to stop and how it makes you feel and what you want her to do – which is to stop. It is cumbersome but you gotta start doing this. You cannot skip this mountain and found the ocean. it is mechanical until it becomes automatic and subconscious in your approach of others.
She needs to see in your eyes what you are saying. If she interrupts you, which is another tactic, you wait let her finish, and continue to state what she said, how you felt, and what you want her to do about it. Offense. Your feeling. Action.
She will back down if your words and your stand match. If she does not, then plan b.
Whenever mom acts out (that is what she is doing), then you stop what you are doing and tell her, Mom I said this many times, You cannot use that word against me ….again same thing above. If no change, you leave everything as it is and say, OK mom, I am taking a walk in the park and hope you think about what just happened. You do this often and you train her like a dog. You do not reward her with love when she is cutting you down. As long as you are separating her relationship and love from respecting you, you will continue to do the same outside. Why would you not?
BTW, I have the opposite reaction in people over the years. Respect will be given but I was always making others feel a bit of fear or intimidation or some other fear-based feelings. I have been told, I am blunt, say it like it is, intimidating, intense, strong, blahahah you get the drift. They sound like compliments but hmm believe me they were covert truths of like can you be normal, nice, soft, take it easy…LOL. I used to ignore them thinking if you are feeling intimidated by me a woman (esp. to men), that is your problem? Maybe you were not a man enough…walking away laughing ghoulish!
But life has a funny way of teaching us a lesson and whenever we ignored it, ooh girl, does life just goes out of its way to deliver its message in the most inopportune moment in one’s life.
Does my intensity slip now and then, of course it does. Do I know when it is happening. yes most of the time. Do I have full control over it. Sometimes and often but all the time. But if I fail, I let it go and I am not hard on myself.
I have to become conscious of my voice, my tone, my glare/stare, my body posture, my way of talking the words I use in order to overcome. You need a serious way of observing yourself. There is no easy way. I had to become super aware of my physicality as well as my psychological before I could just relax and be rather than intense and all. But I am not saying I cannot be intense…when I am under stress, my intensity shows it is ugly rear but I have been on this rodeo so I am not intimidated by this part! (-;
As you gain respect by just standing up to your mom without you feeling guilty or scared or anxious, you will just see, that feeling goes global. All of sudden you may notice a friend asking you something and you would just like your mom, say, that is OK sally, I do not think I can do that for you this time. No apology. No hiding. No meanness. Just calm and collected (which you will not have problem since you have been too nice all these years). And people will be surprised and maybe push back a bit but ultimately, only when you show respect for you, do others show you the same.
Stand up to the only person who loves you and you feel safe with. Mommy or therapist. But I would vote more for mommy – it is more realistic but mommy will try to keep her weaknesses on picking on you too so you will need a bit of battle to learn. Therapy can do it too but it will take much longer because of the lack of tension
Life has a funny way of training us in a speedy way!
at the end in a funny way, you may not lose anyone but find you actually enjoy your friends and they do too.
