Acknowledging my past

[FFnerd]

My older brother was different though. He would punch, kick, throw things at me. To this day my pelvis is slightly out of wack because of one time he threw me on the kitchen tile and a bruised my tailbone, and in the process my hip went out of place. Surprised my parents took me to the doctor for that one - usually they didn’t. I also didn’t tell them how it happened because I was afraid to get in trouble for upsetting the golden child, just that I fell. What a wild thing to do as a elementary/middle schooler

 

[FFnerd]

God the more I think about it, my family f*cking sucked. That house brought out the worst in us.

 

[FFnerd]

I wish I learned what a stable love feels and looks like earlier in life. I think it makes me desperate for close affection - inside, I want to go all in the moment I feel a pinch of affection from someone that I enjoy - but outward I get so scared of being too much that I keep my distance. I need very explicit consent for everything. Which, apparently isn't how most people operate.

As in, I need clearance before I even feel like I'm allowed to show interest in someone. Any small gesture, gift, conversation - I'm like a goddamn vampire. I just need so much (too much) assurance that I'm not crossing any boundaries that I often give off the impression that I never wanted to be there in the first place. Which is so hard to reconcile internally - because it's so loud (sensory wise) in my head/body but it's almost never betrayed in my expressions/tone. Even if it's just someone I'd like to be better friends with, I get so overwhelmed sometimes just trying to keep it all inside and being paranoid to cross an unspoken line (any line).

Tbh, I'm feeling a bit disorganized right now, I had a busy but good day at work. Got an official job offer ending my temp. contract with a perfect schedule and pay raise, but we're so slammed with work this week I've barely felt free to celebrate and relax. I made plans with friends, including one I've been avoiding since I've had a hard time getting over a rejection from. I know she's been upset that I've been keeping my distance, but I just can't stand to have a 4th private conversation about how we have such different expectations of friendships/relationships that makes me (who absolutely loves her) have a hard time being close with her. She hasn't pushed any solo time with just us since new years, which is nice - we've only hung out in 2 different group settings since which I honesty wanted to skip, but just to avoid raising flags to the others in our friend group I went anyway - and she tried hard to corner me to talk with her at both events but I managed to slip away each time with some lame non committal reaction.
I'm still not ready to have that conversation again - I can barely have time to avoid thinking about her because people keep bringing her up to me. My parents probably think we're dating because they managed to see us out or interact with her in some way - even our friend group think we're secretly dating/somethings up but it's not. Trust me I've tried, but that doesn't stop her from leaning into the appearance sometimes.
Even more so, her best friend just asked me to help her cousin set up a surprise slideshow for her birthday next month with our separate group of friends. I'm closer to the friends in question than her best friend, but she does have their numbers too so it was weird that she felt the need to have me pass the message along instead.

It's only annoying because I would love to be more involved, I'm fighting every urge to make it everything she wants with all of her favorite people there. But I know I'll just end up hurting myself more by allowing myself to get so attached and involved just to be rejected for a 4th time.

 

[FFnerd]

Happy I can feel myself getting back to the other side of better mood and regulation state.
Definitely not close to 100% yet, but I feel like I made it past the x-axis.
Trying not to assign myself any expectations of staying here - reminding myself that this will never be a linear growth process-so I don’t punish myself in the future for inevitably having another bad patch of symptoms.

Just trying to stay present and enjoy where I’m at for what it is.

 

[FFnerd]

Also I remembered on my drive home today that I used to have a cookbook on Italian dishes that I used to read for comfort growing up - dreaming of a day when I might actually be able to try and make them. Haven’t thought about that in a long time, weird I haven’t found it - it should’ve been in one of my storage boxes from years ago - so that’s gonna bother me a bit.

I haven’t had much of an appetite for anything lately, so I kind of want to find that book now or something similar to it to get back into cooking/eating other things.

 

[FFnerd]

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist religion that toed the line of the BITE model. As were my parents. You could argue plenty of evidence to label it as a cult - but it also has an insidiously healthy public evidence to argue the opposite. Something I believe is made purposefully difficult to protect the governing body of the sect.

My personal experience with the organization leads me to be on the side of labeling it a cult, not a religion. It’s teachings to isolate us from the world at large, not trust anyone outside the organization, and to treat those who had voluntarily left as if they had worse than the plague - has exacerbated my issues with connecting with people and trust. I was alienated 5x over just on the basis of cards given to me at birth.

It’s difficult to touch how far-reaching the effects of just being a part of that organization was on my life. And my difficult conflicting feelings of it in retrospect. The ‘church’ was a safe space of sorts away from the chaos of home - it was so very regulated and black and white. And the lay congregant were lovely people. But it demanded absolute loyalty and dedication. Only recently have the governing body reversed their stance on going to university - I grew up being told that it was a dangerous waste of time that could and should be spent on furthering the organization/‘serving God’. There’s so much more too - I’m one of the lucky ones to have left in my early 20s, so I was less entangled in the organization and haven’t had to lose that much time/money to it as others.

It’s a bit front in mind, because current events do strike a thin cord left in me connected to that Armageddon alarm. I don’t believe in it specifically anymore, but I can follow the logic of human’s leading themselves into a corner that must be expanded or else we die trying.

 

[In the weeds]

. Only recently have the governing body reversed their stance on going to university - I grew up being told that it was a dangerous waste of time that could and should be spent on furthering the organization/‘serving God’.

I know a lot of older people who are very angry about that, feeling that they wasted their lives for nothing and now have no degree or training for something other than a "window washer" and are poor.

If it fits the BITE model, it's a cult, and that one definitely is.

I'm sorry you had to endure the shunning.

 

[FFnerd]

I know a lot of older people who are very angry about that, feeling that they wasted their lives for nothing and now have no degree or training for something other than a "window washer" and are poor.

If it fits the BITE model, it's a cult, and that one definitely is.

I'm sorry you had to endure the shunning.

Can tell you know exactly what group I’m talking about lol
Yeah, one silver lining is a few of my friends left later so we were able to reconnect.

Were you a part of it too or do you know people in it?

 

[In the weeds]

Can tell you know exactly what group I’m talking about lol

Yes I do lol.

I've never been in it but have worked in a ministry for over 30 yrs helping people that are in it, or trying to get out, or have gotten out and have to adjust to the "evil world outside".

Many people do reconnect later. That is great that you were able to.

 

[In the weeds]

I wanted to add that I think "governing body" and the recent changes have it away lol.

 

[FFnerd]

Yes I do lol.

I've never been in it but have worked in a ministry for over 30 yrs helping people that are in it, or trying to get out, or have gotten out and have to adjust to the "evil world outside".

Many people do reconnect later. That is great that you were able to.

Huh! Never knew there was a ministry aimed towards deserters haha, makes sense though. It's a great need - I thank you for your service.
And yeah I guess those can give it away if you know it, to be fair though, I've heard it shares a lot of traits for many reasons with the other mainstream door-to-door ministers. Either way, I think ex-pats of both share similar struggles and feelings.

 

[FFnerd]

I have mixed emotions tonight. I feel known, appreciated, and accepted right now thanks to friends.
My best friend's (L) family always tries to make me feel at home and not left out when they have Christmas or birthday celebrations, I don't expect to be involved but they go out of their way for me anyway. It's been a long road for me to accept it until now. We had a lovely 1st birthday celebration for this friend's daughter today, and because so much of her and her partner's family were going to be there they decided to also make it the Christmas celebration for that part of the family too.
I got gifts that I'm genuinely super excited to use that show how well they know me, and through venting to L about my relationship woes, I found out from her that another friend of mine is at the moment attempting to plan a surprise birthday trip for me with said problem crush friend (R). While I'm not sure how I feel about R being involved in a birthday trip with me, it did give me a lot of warmth knowing they have all been thinking of me.

But, I also feel hurt because of off comments (direct and indirect) people have said around me referencing my race. Something reminded me of the most recent comments on my way home today - it's just frustrating to have that be the thing that undermines my confidence right when I'm feeling good. Usually I have no problem letting it roll off of me, I've had a lifetime to get used to it and know it's not always malicious - but it gets exhausting to be the one to educate/correct others on ignorant comments. I know I have no responsibility to. But, I also know that without purposeful open conversations and interactions when it counts - some people may never even be given a chance to develop an accurate full view of different people.
I don't know. I've got enough things to think about. I think I'll sleep well tonight though.