In the weeds
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Thank you so much for saying that. I have loved doing it.
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Acknowledging my past
- Post starter FFnerd
- Start date
- Post starter
- #26
I think I went through all of my childhood looking for a safe space and being stuck in survival mode. My old therapist told me once that my experiences paralleled those raised by parents battling addiction, which was impressive to her considering they had no such serious issues and they still managed to give me the same childhood neglect/abuse experience.
I had a very hard time sorting through this when I first moved out/away from my parents (long story I will eventually get into) - I moved in with a friend and her mom for a time after that. They were so patient and kind with me. It was their gentle prodding that allowed me to feel safe exploring what I actually wanted, from anything. Before that, I truly didn't believe my opinion mattered. I felt that I was automatically less than others, so I preemptively centered my life around other's needs and desires.
They couldn't even get me to say what I wanted for dinner - because I legitimately didn't know. I was so disconnected from any personal feelings towards anything - it felt safer. Anything I loved as a child could and would've been used against me by my mom and brother. So I learned to be as unattached to things as possible, then it wouldn't hurt if it was taken away.
And the things I couldn't take my emotions out of I had to hide, or else feign indifference. Sometimes I could also use my knowledge of what was important to my mom (appearances, money, etc) to convince her to let me keep things/activities/friends in my life - but that was always a gamble.
I'm feeling a little nauseous
I had a very hard time sorting through this when I first moved out/away from my parents (long story I will eventually get into) - I moved in with a friend and her mom for a time after that. They were so patient and kind with me. It was their gentle prodding that allowed me to feel safe exploring what I actually wanted, from anything. Before that, I truly didn't believe my opinion mattered. I felt that I was automatically less than others, so I preemptively centered my life around other's needs and desires.
They couldn't even get me to say what I wanted for dinner - because I legitimately didn't know. I was so disconnected from any personal feelings towards anything - it felt safer. Anything I loved as a child could and would've been used against me by my mom and brother. So I learned to be as unattached to things as possible, then it wouldn't hurt if it was taken away.
And the things I couldn't take my emotions out of I had to hide, or else feign indifference. Sometimes I could also use my knowledge of what was important to my mom (appearances, money, etc) to convince her to let me keep things/activities/friends in my life - but that was always a gamble.
I'm feeling a little nauseous
- Post starter
- #27
Anyway, I think I was trying to get the following point yesterday :
When I have bad 'flare-ups' of symptoms (depression, mood swings, flashbacks, sleep issues, isolation, etc.) like right now - I subconsciously try to throw my old coping skills at it, but that ends up going against my newly acquired coping skills, which make the whole experience feel so especially exhausting. I try to analyze everything 101%, trying to outsmart my way out of cptsd - but it feels more like a compulsion. I don't feel like I have a lot of control over the roads my brain goes down, I'll fight it while I'm at work or in school - but as soon as the need to keep it together for work is gone, I lose whatever reign I have and just let it go free. I let go, and let myself fall apart in whatever's easiest, nearest, and safest (as I perceive it in the moment) in that order.
It's exhausting, I hate feeling like I'm overstimulated in my own body/mind - I lose days to watching youtube videos/podcasts that I don't even really pay close attention to. They're mostly just there to be counter noise to my overloaded system.
I just wish I could be more productive and present during these times. I can't just have a good cry and a night in, and then be back to a happy/fine normal for a few days until the next time the need for a good cry comes along. I wish I could be like that - I think it would be easier on my friends. Instead I feel like I abandon them and lose myself in my own neurotic self centered episodes that come out of nowhere sometimes and I don't even realize it in the moment. It's only after, when I get my footing back, that I look back and see all the disrepair I've allowed to happen in my life and relationships while I was off fleeing/fighting my demons. Then it continues a cycle, where I fight against feeling/recognizing any bit of my trauma during my 'all good' moments because I'm scared of triggering another battle with myself - but that makes it worse because I never actually address the root of my problems.
Which I'm thinking more and more is largely my pattern of compartmentalizing my emotions to the umpteenth degree, I let the boxes pile up until I trip over one and can't ignore how crowded it's gotten anymore.
When I have bad 'flare-ups' of symptoms (depression, mood swings, flashbacks, sleep issues, isolation, etc.) like right now - I subconsciously try to throw my old coping skills at it, but that ends up going against my newly acquired coping skills, which make the whole experience feel so especially exhausting. I try to analyze everything 101%, trying to outsmart my way out of cptsd - but it feels more like a compulsion. I don't feel like I have a lot of control over the roads my brain goes down, I'll fight it while I'm at work or in school - but as soon as the need to keep it together for work is gone, I lose whatever reign I have and just let it go free. I let go, and let myself fall apart in whatever's easiest, nearest, and safest (as I perceive it in the moment) in that order.
It's exhausting, I hate feeling like I'm overstimulated in my own body/mind - I lose days to watching youtube videos/podcasts that I don't even really pay close attention to. They're mostly just there to be counter noise to my overloaded system.
I just wish I could be more productive and present during these times. I can't just have a good cry and a night in, and then be back to a happy/fine normal for a few days until the next time the need for a good cry comes along. I wish I could be like that - I think it would be easier on my friends. Instead I feel like I abandon them and lose myself in my own neurotic self centered episodes that come out of nowhere sometimes and I don't even realize it in the moment. It's only after, when I get my footing back, that I look back and see all the disrepair I've allowed to happen in my life and relationships while I was off fleeing/fighting my demons. Then it continues a cycle, where I fight against feeling/recognizing any bit of my trauma during my 'all good' moments because I'm scared of triggering another battle with myself - but that makes it worse because I never actually address the root of my problems.
Which I'm thinking more and more is largely my pattern of compartmentalizing my emotions to the umpteenth degree, I let the boxes pile up until I trip over one and can't ignore how crowded it's gotten anymore.
- Post starter
- #28
This site just might save me. I can’t quite explain it now - but it’s helping me progress in a way I haven’t felt before.
So far my week has been productive - the excitement of becoming an official employee and the benefits and raise it comes with is finally starting to kick in. I’ve really worked hard to get to this point - I still have a ways to go, but god I should be proud of myself so far. It was not an easy journey, I couldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Now I just have to get to sleep, so I can be ready for class tomorrow morning - I may try to wash my hair finally before I head to lab, but it’ll depend on how early I wake up. Fingers crossed mentioning it here will pressure me into washing it at some point tomorrow. It’s so dusty because of my dandruff - I don’t know why it gets so bad so quickly, but now it’s been long enough that my normal amount of dandruff when I usually have a wash day is doubled right now.
So far my week has been productive - the excitement of becoming an official employee and the benefits and raise it comes with is finally starting to kick in. I’ve really worked hard to get to this point - I still have a ways to go, but god I should be proud of myself so far. It was not an easy journey, I couldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Now I just have to get to sleep, so I can be ready for class tomorrow morning - I may try to wash my hair finally before I head to lab, but it’ll depend on how early I wake up. Fingers crossed mentioning it here will pressure me into washing it at some point tomorrow. It’s so dusty because of my dandruff - I don’t know why it gets so bad so quickly, but now it’s been long enough that my normal amount of dandruff when I usually have a wash day is doubled right now.
- Post starter
- #29
I washed my hair 
I always feel better across the board once I've done a refresh with my hair - it takes a lot for me to get over the mental block of doing my hair. It's always the last thing I want to do and the longer I put it off the worse I feel, but once I'm done and happy with it - I feel great.
My hair is one of my deep inset insecurities. My mom also managed to use it as a means of control over me too - I wasn't allowed to touch it without her consent, but she never told me how to properly take care of it either. So my hair was pretty matted through my middle school through high school years - thankfully it was hard to tell because of how dense it was and the updo I kept it in. After I graduated high school, and before I moved in with my friend and her mom, I secretly practiced new care techniques/products, and styles. Once I bought my own pair of shears and cut an inch or two of frayed ends - realizing that a lot of my matting was likely due to never getting a proper trimming in years, my mom found out and it turned into a huge argument with her telling me how I ruined my hair because I don't know what I'm doing.
and honestly yeah my hair did look like shit then, but I didn't know any better. She wouldn't let me learn.
Now I don't need to be so scared of doing my hair anymore, but it still stresses me out - I always see every little strand out of place through her eyes. People have asked me and paid me to do their hair, it feels so silly to have this anxiety over washing and styling my hair comparable to competitive audition stage fright.
But to wrap it up - my hair is done, it smells great and I love my curls. Hate talking about it though, feels gross and self-centered lol
On my way to do some coursework before I head to bed.
I always feel better across the board once I've done a refresh with my hair - it takes a lot for me to get over the mental block of doing my hair. It's always the last thing I want to do and the longer I put it off the worse I feel, but once I'm done and happy with it - I feel great.
My hair is one of my deep inset insecurities. My mom also managed to use it as a means of control over me too - I wasn't allowed to touch it without her consent, but she never told me how to properly take care of it either. So my hair was pretty matted through my middle school through high school years - thankfully it was hard to tell because of how dense it was and the updo I kept it in. After I graduated high school, and before I moved in with my friend and her mom, I secretly practiced new care techniques/products, and styles. Once I bought my own pair of shears and cut an inch or two of frayed ends - realizing that a lot of my matting was likely due to never getting a proper trimming in years, my mom found out and it turned into a huge argument with her telling me how I ruined my hair because I don't know what I'm doing.
and honestly yeah my hair did look like shit then, but I didn't know any better. She wouldn't let me learn.
Now I don't need to be so scared of doing my hair anymore, but it still stresses me out - I always see every little strand out of place through her eyes. People have asked me and paid me to do their hair, it feels so silly to have this anxiety over washing and styling my hair comparable to competitive audition stage fright.
But to wrap it up - my hair is done, it smells great and I love my curls. Hate talking about it though, feels gross and self-centered lol
On my way to do some coursework before I head to bed.
- Post starter
- #30
I’m feeling a little sick to my stomach
Just upset after seeing R again today, we hung out with our larger group again. I wish she’d leave me alone. I haven’t texted her to put some space between us for myself - but she picks on me just to get a response out of me when we’re in person. Most days I feel like she looks at me like I’m a child she needs to keep track of - even though she’s the one who can’t even do her taxes on her own. Idk, it hurts. I’m so stupid.
Just upset after seeing R again today, we hung out with our larger group again. I wish she’d leave me alone. I haven’t texted her to put some space between us for myself - but she picks on me just to get a response out of me when we’re in person. Most days I feel like she looks at me like I’m a child she needs to keep track of - even though she’s the one who can’t even do her taxes on her own. Idk, it hurts. I’m so stupid.
- Post starter
- #31
I hate remembering that I’ve gone through 3 different long term almost-relationships - all held back because I’m “too good” or they’re afraid they'll mess it up - and apparently I’m some precious cargo that has tested out of their league, when the only reason I tried so hard was to be good enough for them. I’ve heard “I don’t want to hurt you” from 3 different people I loved, and I end up feeling hurt anyway.
Why do they do this? Why do I scare the people I love? And how can I break this f*cking cycle, I can’t do this again with someone else.
Why do they do this? Why do I scare the people I love? And how can I break this f*cking cycle, I can’t do this again with someone else.
- Post starter
- #32
A bit of a different post for this diary now :
A gratitude entry
My lovely boss (of my smaller part time gig- I have two jobs) is so thoughtful and sweet towards me. I previously and still do tend to view family culture in workplaces as a sign of over enmeshment - but I can honestly say working with him for the past 4 years has felt like having an extra supportive uncle/older brother. He genuinely does try to make my time there enjoyable and worthwhile, and more than that he's emotionally sensitive and interested in my wellbeing and updates in my life. It's weird to try to explain to others, because most times having such a relationship like this in the workplace usually doesn't end well. He was the first person besides my best friend that I felt safe to come out to - and he (a gay man himself) was so excited and supportive. He gave me the sweetest hug after asking if he could, and then started trying to plan a coming out party for me lol. I had to reign him in a bit then. He's gotten me birthday cards and Christmas cards every year, but he also just randomly gets me things as he thinks about me throughout the year. His mom (who also works with us sometimes) has made me cat toys for my cats, and knitted me gloves and a hat. When I decided to start secondary school finally, he was 100% supportive - even though it meant I needed a drastically different schedule that would be harder for him. Hell, my expensive-looking ass carpet that I love in my living room and my desk is both from him and his friends - just because he knew I needed things when I first moved into my empty apartment. He knows I've been going through it emotionally for the past few week and not being the most communicative - and yesterday he was sweet enough to invite me to join him for a rollerskating class/open floor time that he'll be going to for the next couple of months at least. He knows how much I love skating, but the person I'd usually go with I'm avoiding at the moment - and god, it just feels lovely to be known and loved even from such an unlikely source. I told him once I eventually leave his company we are contractually required to stay friends and see each other more than the holiday season lol He's a bit of a workaholic though so it'll be hard.
A gratitude entry
My lovely boss (of my smaller part time gig- I have two jobs) is so thoughtful and sweet towards me. I previously and still do tend to view family culture in workplaces as a sign of over enmeshment - but I can honestly say working with him for the past 4 years has felt like having an extra supportive uncle/older brother. He genuinely does try to make my time there enjoyable and worthwhile, and more than that he's emotionally sensitive and interested in my wellbeing and updates in my life. It's weird to try to explain to others, because most times having such a relationship like this in the workplace usually doesn't end well. He was the first person besides my best friend that I felt safe to come out to - and he (a gay man himself) was so excited and supportive. He gave me the sweetest hug after asking if he could, and then started trying to plan a coming out party for me lol. I had to reign him in a bit then. He's gotten me birthday cards and Christmas cards every year, but he also just randomly gets me things as he thinks about me throughout the year. His mom (who also works with us sometimes) has made me cat toys for my cats, and knitted me gloves and a hat. When I decided to start secondary school finally, he was 100% supportive - even though it meant I needed a drastically different schedule that would be harder for him. Hell, my expensive-looking ass carpet that I love in my living room and my desk is both from him and his friends - just because he knew I needed things when I first moved into my empty apartment. He knows I've been going through it emotionally for the past few week and not being the most communicative - and yesterday he was sweet enough to invite me to join him for a rollerskating class/open floor time that he'll be going to for the next couple of months at least. He knows how much I love skating, but the person I'd usually go with I'm avoiding at the moment - and god, it just feels lovely to be known and loved even from such an unlikely source. I told him once I eventually leave his company we are contractually required to stay friends and see each other more than the holiday season lol He's a bit of a workaholic though so it'll be hard.
- Post starter
- #33
And unfortunately back to our regular programming:
I wonder sometimes if one of the real reasons people are scared to touch me (if they’re actually close to me emotionally) is because of my history of trauma, hurt, weird cult upbringing, mental illness, even the strong history of Alzheimer’s and dementia on both sides of my family. Certainly puts a bit of a damper on any potential relationship if I’m pretty much guaranteed to mentally check out in as early as 30 years time.
At least it makes me want to make the most of my time while I have the reigns - when I’m not in a depressive episode anyway. Which, unfortunately is guaranteed to take up a part of every year with me. I’m a risk.
To be fair though I’m mostly going through this mental exercise in the hopes it gives me some sort of logical/cold comfort by making sense of it.
As one of my friends with an acute chronic illness said about herself, “I’m an acquired taste” - and that’s true for me too. If someone doesn’t/can’t fully appreciate me and what I come with then it’s a waste of both of our times. I still get lonely and I’ll have to deal with the emotional and physical repercussions of my cptsd for the rest of my life, but it’s better than trying to force something with someone who won’t feel completely safe on top of everything else.
I wonder sometimes if one of the real reasons people are scared to touch me (if they’re actually close to me emotionally) is because of my history of trauma, hurt, weird cult upbringing, mental illness, even the strong history of Alzheimer’s and dementia on both sides of my family. Certainly puts a bit of a damper on any potential relationship if I’m pretty much guaranteed to mentally check out in as early as 30 years time.
At least it makes me want to make the most of my time while I have the reigns - when I’m not in a depressive episode anyway. Which, unfortunately is guaranteed to take up a part of every year with me. I’m a risk.
To be fair though I’m mostly going through this mental exercise in the hopes it gives me some sort of logical/cold comfort by making sense of it.
As one of my friends with an acute chronic illness said about herself, “I’m an acquired taste” - and that’s true for me too. If someone doesn’t/can’t fully appreciate me and what I come with then it’s a waste of both of our times. I still get lonely and I’ll have to deal with the emotional and physical repercussions of my cptsd for the rest of my life, but it’s better than trying to force something with someone who won’t feel completely safe on top of everything else.
- Post starter
- #34
I finally had to be an adult and text R back today because she sent a “just checking in” message.
Just told her work and school has been good, emotionally I’ve been alright (already told her multiple times I wouldn’t go to her if I’m feeling jealousy/heartbreak about her, because..that would be weird as f*ck/borderline manipulative imo and definitely not a healthy practice for myself lol) and that I just “haven’t texted her because I thought some space would be good”.
Not sure how it’s gonna go honestly - I’ve got a mix of emotions, somehow I have to get to sleep on time without trazodone so I’m not late to my plans tomorrow- it definitely helps me sleep, but I’m always extra loopy in the morning.
Just told her work and school has been good, emotionally I’ve been alright (already told her multiple times I wouldn’t go to her if I’m feeling jealousy/heartbreak about her, because..that would be weird as f*ck/borderline manipulative imo and definitely not a healthy practice for myself lol) and that I just “haven’t texted her because I thought some space would be good”.
Not sure how it’s gonna go honestly - I’ve got a mix of emotions, somehow I have to get to sleep on time without trazodone so I’m not late to my plans tomorrow- it definitely helps me sleep, but I’m always extra loopy in the morning.
- Post starter
- #35
Feeling..alright.
Had a short back and forth with R over text, she replied to my last message saying she understands, but if I "need to talk about it" with her I can. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about how I'm handling taking space from her, andf that I have no issues with our future group plans atm, but if I do happen to in the future I just won't go - so she doesn't have to worry about where I'm at there. I also reiterated that I'm not a big texter unless I'm getting attached to someone, so I will likely continue to stay pretty silent on our direct chats - preferring to do catching up in person or over the phone how I normally am with everyone else in my life (something I have told her a number of times directly and indirectly over the last 3 years, but she has terrible memory - partly due to alcohol use and a head injury).
She...responded in a way I was afraid she would.
She said she didn't want to feel guilty about me anymore, and that she's sorry about the way I feel. But that she wished I would've told her about the texting - something I have told her, but again - she tends to forget a lot or just not take me seriously when I tell her how I feel about something she's done. Then she said she doesn't want me to have to "sacrifice group things" because of her - and that she doesn't know how to help. She ended it by saying she respects me and will give me the space I want now.
I'm not even mad right now (well, maybe frustrated), just.. a bit sad. In my response I told her I didn't want her to feel guilty, and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything because I'm helping myself. I said I did tell her multiple times that I wanted less texting from her, but that I know she forgets and I could've also cut her off more directly (instead of continuing to respond to her when she crossed that boundary) earlier so that's on me. I ended it by saying I don't need her to help me with anything but that I'm helping myself.
It does make me feel a little crazy though, I'm definitely at fault for a part of this whole thing - but I also feel like I was so clear about my intentions and boundaries ever since we'd met. But it's hard to qualify my efforts because for the first year or so of me getting to know her - I never knew how much she'd black out from drinking, and obviously neither did she. So conversations, flirting interactions, and established/crossed boundaries were always fuzzier for her than I knew. She gets embarrassed about it, and for a while she hid the fact that she didn't have a clear recollection of the times we hung out before. She's attempted to cut out drinking a few times, but at the moment she isn't sober. I'd try to circumvent this by trying to give her a transcript of important conversations/interactions we'd had the night before - but I could never give her a perfect account. She is a functional alcoholic, so she'd make plans with me for the future while I thought she was still pretty sober, but then she'd have zero recollection of it later. I never knew how much of it was real or not to her - and I guess a lot of that is on me for not fully accepting that at the moment it would nearly be impossible for her to know herself without a lot of self-healing. I do love her, and I want the best for her - but I know I should probably just let her go as painfulvas it might be. I just don't want to...I keep searching for another way to keep her in my life while also not getting too attached, and that's my toxic trait.
I don't know. I kind of want some outside input, am I making any sense? Or am I being unclear/manipulative to her? All of my friends are too involved to give unbiased views of the situation, and I really do want to not be asshole about it or hurt her.
Had a short back and forth with R over text, she replied to my last message saying she understands, but if I "need to talk about it" with her I can. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about how I'm handling taking space from her, andf that I have no issues with our future group plans atm, but if I do happen to in the future I just won't go - so she doesn't have to worry about where I'm at there. I also reiterated that I'm not a big texter unless I'm getting attached to someone, so I will likely continue to stay pretty silent on our direct chats - preferring to do catching up in person or over the phone how I normally am with everyone else in my life (something I have told her a number of times directly and indirectly over the last 3 years, but she has terrible memory - partly due to alcohol use and a head injury).
She...responded in a way I was afraid she would.
She said she didn't want to feel guilty about me anymore, and that she's sorry about the way I feel. But that she wished I would've told her about the texting - something I have told her, but again - she tends to forget a lot or just not take me seriously when I tell her how I feel about something she's done. Then she said she doesn't want me to have to "sacrifice group things" because of her - and that she doesn't know how to help. She ended it by saying she respects me and will give me the space I want now.
I'm not even mad right now (well, maybe frustrated), just.. a bit sad. In my response I told her I didn't want her to feel guilty, and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything because I'm helping myself. I said I did tell her multiple times that I wanted less texting from her, but that I know she forgets and I could've also cut her off more directly (instead of continuing to respond to her when she crossed that boundary) earlier so that's on me. I ended it by saying I don't need her to help me with anything but that I'm helping myself.
It does make me feel a little crazy though, I'm definitely at fault for a part of this whole thing - but I also feel like I was so clear about my intentions and boundaries ever since we'd met. But it's hard to qualify my efforts because for the first year or so of me getting to know her - I never knew how much she'd black out from drinking, and obviously neither did she. So conversations, flirting interactions, and established/crossed boundaries were always fuzzier for her than I knew. She gets embarrassed about it, and for a while she hid the fact that she didn't have a clear recollection of the times we hung out before. She's attempted to cut out drinking a few times, but at the moment she isn't sober. I'd try to circumvent this by trying to give her a transcript of important conversations/interactions we'd had the night before - but I could never give her a perfect account. She is a functional alcoholic, so she'd make plans with me for the future while I thought she was still pretty sober, but then she'd have zero recollection of it later. I never knew how much of it was real or not to her - and I guess a lot of that is on me for not fully accepting that at the moment it would nearly be impossible for her to know herself without a lot of self-healing. I do love her, and I want the best for her - but I know I should probably just let her go as painfulvas it might be. I just don't want to...I keep searching for another way to keep her in my life while also not getting too attached, and that's my toxic trait.
I don't know. I kind of want some outside input, am I making any sense? Or am I being unclear/manipulative to her? All of my friends are too involved to give unbiased views of the situation, and I really do want to not be asshole about it or hurt her.
- Post starter
- #36
Just venting for 15mins :
currently feeling a bit shit - I'm feeling like I'm a terrible friend, and making things difficult for everyone else around me wherever I go. I feel like I keep ruining relationships and pushing people away. I feel like I always end up accidentally setting bridges on fire and I never even smell the smoke until it's too late.
I'm insecure, and I hate it. I hate that it feels like I need others to regulate my own insecurities. I hate that I even complain because I have no excuses to not do things well - it feels like I should know better. I'm in my 3rd year of schooling and I am a 4.0 student - working overtime and still making time for friends the whole while. and now I wanna whine and complain? It just feels like I'm not trying hard enough. And like no one could relate with me anyway - I'm just a complainer who sucks the joy out of everyone. I waste their time. I feel selfish for being lonely. I wish my finances were better - I feel like I'm fooling everyone. I feel like I'm actually only getting great grades because I need to distract from my other terrible qualities. And it's still not enough. Like trying to shine shit. The work I complete either feels half-assed whether I did well or not on it. I feel like people and teachers don't like me because of my grades - or because they don't think I deserve them. Maybe they think I'm stupid or a show-off. Maybe I should choose and prove them right which way. But likely it;s all just in my head and i'm the one once again making my own life difficult and projecting.
I'm a piece of work. Either I don't deserve to be there or I should be somewhere more challenging in my head. It's exhausting doing this dance. I hope it's over soon - I love learning, but school as a business/organization stresses me out. I'll be happy to just be in my own lab one day - doing my work without worrying about whether some teacher is out to get me. I can deal with a boss or coworkers, something about schools just puts me in this rigid mindset thats hard to break.
currently feeling a bit shit - I'm feeling like I'm a terrible friend, and making things difficult for everyone else around me wherever I go. I feel like I keep ruining relationships and pushing people away. I feel like I always end up accidentally setting bridges on fire and I never even smell the smoke until it's too late.
I'm insecure, and I hate it. I hate that it feels like I need others to regulate my own insecurities. I hate that I even complain because I have no excuses to not do things well - it feels like I should know better. I'm in my 3rd year of schooling and I am a 4.0 student - working overtime and still making time for friends the whole while. and now I wanna whine and complain? It just feels like I'm not trying hard enough. And like no one could relate with me anyway - I'm just a complainer who sucks the joy out of everyone. I waste their time. I feel selfish for being lonely. I wish my finances were better - I feel like I'm fooling everyone. I feel like I'm actually only getting great grades because I need to distract from my other terrible qualities. And it's still not enough. Like trying to shine shit. The work I complete either feels half-assed whether I did well or not on it. I feel like people and teachers don't like me because of my grades - or because they don't think I deserve them. Maybe they think I'm stupid or a show-off. Maybe I should choose and prove them right which way. But likely it;s all just in my head and i'm the one once again making my own life difficult and projecting.
I'm a piece of work. Either I don't deserve to be there or I should be somewhere more challenging in my head. It's exhausting doing this dance. I hope it's over soon - I love learning, but school as a business/organization stresses me out. I'll be happy to just be in my own lab one day - doing my work without worrying about whether some teacher is out to get me. I can deal with a boss or coworkers, something about schools just puts me in this rigid mindset thats hard to break.
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
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