General Act Like An Adult!

[Inthistogether]

I don't have a ton of time to explain the backstory, but I know that my fellow supporters will understand..

I am struggling with the feelings of frustration and resentment I have when J is "irresponsible, lazy, forgetful, procrastinating etc". I just want to scream "Act like an adult! Get off your ass and do what you said you'd do!"

For example, this morning he said "I have a lot of homework I'm going to do today." What he actually did was surf the web, take himself out to lunch, make a half assed attempt to start his algebra assignment, gave up before completing anything, and was three drinks in the bag when I got home from work.

This is not a one time thing, it's an established pattern. It causes me so much tension and anxiety knowing he is likely at home accomplishing nothing. I feel lied to when I find out, because he hasn't done what he said he would.

He says that I should just mind my own business, because he doesn't concern himself with my to do list and responsibilites.

Such a negative cycle. Any insight is welcomed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have ptsd and there were times when I did not follow through, It would drive my husband up the wall, because I did not keep my word. I procrastinate, I get alot done. I do alot of things each day. So I have learned to keep me mouth shut. I do not say I will do this or that unless I follow through. This seems to have made him happier. I hope you will be able to have a conversation that will resolve this issue for you. I know it is hard on you. And I can understand why it is driving you up the wall. I hope things smooth out for you.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I just want to scream "Act like an adult! Get off your ass and do what you said you'd do!"

This does not sound supportive to me in the least.

 

[Kaii]

I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, as this is from a sufferers point of view.

I can identify all too well with your J's cycle of procrastination. I go to bed every night with self loathing at what I "should of done" during the day. And the truth is, I want to get these tasks done, I really do, because it affects my self esteem in such a positive way. Yet here I sit almost two years later and I am pretty much in the same damn spot. I think I actually have an ass groove in my mattress now.

I am ashamed at what has become of me. On a bad day, I lay in bed all day and either sleep or watch Netflix. I feel like my life is passing me by. On a good day, I lay in bed until I force myself to get up. Then I try and clean the house but my brain feels like a scrambled egg. I don't know where to start. I feel overwhelmed by starting simple tasks. I walk to the fridge to put the milk away but when I get to the fridge, I can't remember why I'm standing there. Hours can go by and I'll just putter around the house, not really getting much of anything done.

I never really thought about this issue from my partners point of view. Perhaps this is what he's getting at when he gets home from work and asks "So, what did you do today?".

I'm trying, I really am but PTSD has turned me into another person, someone I don't even recognize anymore.

 

[Inthistogether]

Thank you, all of you.

Flying Solo, you're right. It's not at all supportive. I don't say that to him, I just want to sometimes. I am angry that he does nothing all day, and resentful that so much responsibility is on me. We are supposed to be partners, we have a home and children and a life together. He's not working, because he's in college full time, but he wastes so much time and his grades are suffering. It's his "job" right now to study, and he says it's important to him, and then he avoids it all.

Kaii, thank you for putting it into perspective for me, from a sufferers point of view. I often think I know the extent of the emotional pain he is in, but I'm sure I don't really know at all. For you to describe how you feel, gives me a window into what he might be going through too. I truly to do have compassion for my husband.

I want to feel like partners, equals, again. I am so tired of worrying and caretaking and peacemaking.

 

[NarcSis]

Again, not a supporter but a sufferer who can relate to this pattern of behavior. I thought it was just me "giving up" each day or avoiding, thank heaven I'm not alone, it helps in accepting it when it happens.

I feel your frustration, I internally scream at myself at the end of some days. I recently dropped a course because I could not concentrate, it is defeating to have to but by pushing on, I only end up hurting me in the end.

My "job" right now is learning how to function like this, school will always be there when I'm ready and able to function again.

It hurts to know we frustrate our supporters but it is fact and all those involved can do is practice acceptance, and seek depths of patience not previously known before.

(((Hugs to you)))

 

[Muzikluvr]

J is "irresponsible, lazy, forgetful, procrastinating etc".

I submit to you that J is not being these negative things, he is actually suffering from PTSD... and he's hurting enough already.

I just want to scream "Act like an adult! Get off your ass and do what you said you'd do!"

I understand your frustration, but this is extremely offensive. It's like telling someone with diabetes to quit whining and eat the food that's being offered; or someone with skin cancer to buck up and spend the day in the sun with friends and family; these things can be done... but at what cost to the sufferer?

I'm in the midst of discussing this issue with my husband, from a sufferer's point of view. Like your fellow supporters, I don't need the background information on this... I am familiar with it from my perspective. My husband's point is: How can we give the kids strikes (which lead to loss of privileges) for not doing their chores when I don't do my chores consistently? And, shouldn't I be given strikes as well? (Am I on the same learning curve my children are on, despite my age and experiences?) My kids have both called me lazy on different occasions, and my husband has as well. This isn't something they say often, but they have said it. They snipe at me, here and there, because I didn't get off the internet all day, among other things.

None of those negative things helps me in the long run. Usually, I respond in some way that suits them but which is only a temporary fix to an immediate issue; but which actually sets me back in my recovery. I am FILLED WITH NEGATIVE THOUGHTS... so, adding more negatives doesn't help me at all. It may make those around me feel better that I got off my ass and did something, but it adds present tense resentment to my negative thoughts. It reinforces that I am unloveable and disgusting. Regardless that their intention has nothing to do with that. My symptoms look different to outsiders, frustratingly enough, my symptoms usually give the opposite impression to how I actually feel. When I am overwhelmed, I appear not to care at all, for instance.

I have had PTSD since I was a child, and I took it upon myself to bridge the gap in understanding my family. It's only recently that I've been able to see me from their perspective and not become belligerently angry, and that's because it just hurts way too much to see that while I'm suffering and thinking of killing myself, my behavior is pissing off everyone around me; pushing them further away from me, making them less compassionate towards me. It's like... I have this mental illness and it's literally driving me crazy at times, but I cannot burden anyone with it and if I did they wouldn't understand why I keep thinking these thoughts anyway. I can't say "I'm sorry I didn't do anything today, my PTSD was flaring up" because my husband doesn't want me to use my PTSD as an excuse.

BUT, the symptoms of my PTSD look like I'm lazy, unwilling to leave the house, uninterested in family fun, etc... and so they are okay with criticizing me for the symptoms of my PTSD. How is that fair? I don't choose this. I want to participate. I want to contribute to society. I want to be important. I want to be respected. I have a college degree! I have had good jobs. I have been reliable, when I am willing to commit to things, but like Gizmo, I take extra care not to commit to very much. Having PTSD is really NOT the same as being normal. My thoughts are hijacked on a regular basis.

Everything triggers memories and negative thinking. Everything. Good and Bad stuff. People I'm with, people in the room, people on the street. Almost every conversation reminds me of memories that lead to negatives. Hell, everything is a f*cking trigger. Is that my husband and children's problem? Hell no. Is it something they can fix? No.
-I'm dealing with it. I'm working through it. I'm getting a handle on it.

My past progress shows that I am on the right path toward healing this issue. I am able to write about it, that is when I know that I am starting to be able to do something about it. When my symptoms were unrecognized, by myself, they were out of control. But, recognizing them has gone a long way toward setting them aside and continuing to be happy anyway. I have had weeks at a time, recently, where I was happy and taking care of business. My family was happy with me too. But, 10 days after something negative happened and my PTSD symptoms became unmanageable, my family started sniping at me again. Wouldn't it be nice if they'd believe that I have a mental illness and that I am actually doing my best?

But, then again... that is part of my problem... accepting my own limitations. In order to defend myself against the fact that I appear lazy to my family, I have to convince them that I am mentally ill... and that I am actually, in reality, no kidding... unable to follow through with completing a simple task. That's something that is one of the hardest things to admit, something I couldn't admit until I was able to accept it myself... and it's taken me a year to accept it. A year that looks like I've sat around wasting my life and not caring about anyone, in a major depression, trying various drugs to help me end the symptoms without ever having to face the words, Mental Illness. I chose to take my lumps for 34 years, first from my family of origin and now from my created family (to a lesser extent). Because it's hard to admit that I really am limited... it hurts my pride, my self-esteem. It is the reason why, when I was a child, I wished that I'd had some physical disability... so people wouldn't ask me to do stuff that I wasn't capable of, and then be angry at me for failing. Or they wouldn't expect so much from me when I'm feeling sick.

Well, as I said, I'm working on this with my H right now. I believe that I will, by the end of this year, be able to distinguish for myself, when I'm experiencing PTSD Symptoms and when I could follow through but would rather do something else instead. I would like to virtually eliminate the latter by positively reinforcing my accomplishments internally, and by allowing myself to be sick when I am really sick. PTSD is worse when I feel guilty for failing, so I need to allow for the fact that I have this illness that chooses the times to mess with me, and I cannot always beat it. So, sometimes it's better for me to succumb and validate my life experiences, in an effort to be able to maintain our family's positive experiences for longer intervals between episodes.

Do you see what I mean? And, my thinking is that your husband is somewhere on this same learning curve. Has he started? Is he getting therapy? Is he aware of his symptoms? Does he know that they are not in his power to control? Does he know what will put his mind at ease at any of the various thoughts? This is a long process. It takes years to master it all, and it's really difficult to motivate oneself to become more proactive in managing the upsetting thoughts, especially when many of them feel like a part of one's personality, or a compulsion to understand or confront.

I hope reading about my side of this argument helps you in some way. My opinion is that you need to keep the pressure on your husband to be as normal as possible, but to be compassionate when he fails. Also, he is the only one who can manage his PTSD symptoms, and even then he won't be normal.

 

[Inthistogether]

Muzikluvr, thank you for showing me what it like from your perspective. I think that I struggle most with the unpredictability that comes with his PTSD symptoms. I never know when he will be "normal" and be able to follow through, have a good day etc. I always want to expect the best and I am so let down when things go "wrong". I do recognize that it comes from a place of fear within myself.

While reading the heartfelt responses of the sufferers who have responded to this thread, I have been struck by how intensely I want to deny that my J is hurting as much as you describe. It crushes me, and it's easier to be mad at him for being "lazy ans selfish" instead of coming to terms with it. I suppose I am really terrified of him never being normal again.

 

[amethist]

Hi Intothistogether

A while back I read something about not expecting too much, to lower my expectations of what my suffer could and should do.

Doing that helped me to encourage him to do a bit more, not that it always works, but better than tearing your hair out when they do little more than get through the day. Sometimes this is all they can do, getting through the day in one piece, is a major achievement for some when they are having a rough time of it.

Finishing school may be important, but staying alive and moving forward, no matter how slowly, is more important on a day to day basis.

Take a step back and see how far he has come since diagnosis, not how far he still has to go.

 

[Srain]

I feel for you I really do. I watch my husband take on more than his share of the household chores all while working a very demanding job. I hate that he has to do this, it's not anything that I wanted for us. At times I feel so bad I want to leave or just end it, being a burden like this is worse than the nightmare that goes on my head.

I understand what it looks like from the outside to those that don't know the truth of what is happening and I truly understand that. I can imagine how you feel and how lonely you must feel for the husband who going to be there helping you raise your children. It might be different now but that doesn't mean it will always be this difficult. I've had to lower my expectations of myself as well which does help ease the screaming blame in head for things that just aren't my fault, that takes time. We have times when it's wonderful and times when taking space (not separating) apart for a bit helps to get perspective back.

You are going to have those feelings and I wonder if you all are in therapy either together or separately as added support.

 

[Inthistogether]

We are in therapy together, and he is in therapy on his own. Our family therapist is working with us on communication skills, and it truly is helping. He has recently started CPT, and we're in the "worse before it gets better" stage. Starting to confront his traumas has brought up a lot of intense stuff and he's struggling with it.

The more I think about all of this, the more I can see that I am trying to push him in order to deny the severity of his PTSD, and because I'm afraid that he will sink deeper if I let go. I hope that makes sense, it's hard to articulate.

 

[NarcSis]

"Worse before it gets better" stage.

That says it all. Keep the expectations from day to day low, it sounds like right now his mind is having extreme difficulty keeping on track. When we are overwhelmed with trauma thoughts and reminders, it makes it extremely difficult to split our concentration and focus on the world around us, let alone perform tasks.

I used to make a list of tasks and strive to achieve them but when I didn't, I would feel horrible (when after three days I still hadn't crossed off everything on the list, I felt even worse). I often felt/feel like a burden to my husband who works all the time and then has to spend his days off helping me achieve basic household chores. I started taking the most simple task that needed accomplishing for that day, ie. wash dishes and it was the only thing on the list, if I didn't get it done, we simply had to accept that I did not get it done, there is always another day to attempt it. When it finally got done, we would celebrate in some small way. It is a lot like how a parent gives a kid a gold star, just don't make it that obvious because that could cause feelings of shame. As his mind begins to settle, you will see he will start to become more engaged in the world around him, just a caution though, don't put a time limit on anything, expecting things to improve by a certain time can only lead to frustration.

It is a fine line to balance the good with the bad when it comes to PTSD, it can change so quickly. Celebrate the functioning days no matter how small the accomplishment. Think of him as a sick child, some days you cover him with a blanket and comfort him, other days, he sits up and you smile and hug him - celebrate the good days and just expect and accept the bad days.

Also, apart from him, take care of you. In the same way, treat yourself to something at least once a day or once a week, even if its as simple as a warm bubble bath, don't lose you in the process.