General Act Like An Adult!

[havingfaith]

Meadowsweet What you have said makes so much sense. He told me in the fall that the more I try to help the worse I was making it.

Then he pulled away this time when the stress got bad. My problem is not with leaving him alone to go through this alone. To be there if he needs to vent about work which is his stress. My problem is I am not sure we are a couple anymore. We had our first fight in six months and we never resolved the couple part.
He said it was over because I looked at his phone and found a woman texting him. Then he came back like nothing ever happened and had an explanation. I accepted forgave and moved on but kept radar up.

She posted a picture on fb I didn't even say I saw it and he had a huge meltdown. Went on a drinking binge on a work night showed up with a bad hangover. My son works for him. I didn't call or text for over 24 hrs and he text me about the baby raccoons I am rescuing. He stayed here once and I stayed there once since then. I told him how he can fix the whole misunderstanding as he describes it yet he can't do it.
He said he is ashamed at how things got messed up and misunderstood. I don't know what to think and never will get an answer to the whole thing I am afraid.

He won't talk to me. Won't see me. So how can I tell him I am here and will be here if he needs me?
I text him the phrase that Nicolette posted that said "If you need me I am here, If you don't I am still here"
and he text back 20 minutes later that he blew up at weekly meeting. So I waited a bit and sent him that I will listen if he needs to vent. He did call and vented for 15 minutes. Then called again a while later vented again. I pointed something out to him and he said he had to call his dad. His dad owns the company. He texted me this morning his dad spoke to him for over and hour last night about the problem.

I text him goodnight every night not expecting anything back. This morning he text me that work is not going to get better he needs another job. Am I still willing to help him with his resume. Of course I said yes for I feel a new job will help with the stress he is under.

I need help not texting him or talking to him. I keep busy but I am so sad and lonely right now. I can't explain how much it hurts to see him like this and I can do nothing.
I am keeping all communication positive and I do not contact him I only respond. Today I told him I needed more information for resume and he started a text conversation about work. I replied appropriately.

I don't want to make his life worse. I am keeping busy, I am not working right now and job rejection at 52 yrs old is hard enough for me to deal with. I just need emotional support to get through his crisis.
thanks

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

havingfaith- When I read that, I felt the last few years come back to me emotionally. I couldn't sort out what I felt or even why I felt it, just that it was horrible. The only thing I could do was hold myself together minute to minute, second to second.

I had frequent breakdowns which caused me to shirk my obligations and made me feel even SO MUCH worse to the point at which I simply could not function for work or school. I felt everyone blaming me for doing everything wrong because I blamed myself so severely and I did actually have a rather critical perfectionist boss.

If it's possible, suggest to him to take a break from working and get to a state where he can see a more stable emotional state (I'm anything but stable, but now I can see some of the stressors more clearly and know how and somewhat why I am reacting how I am). If it's not possible then I just hope his next job is better and I hope he feels a bit more calm.

Either way, take care of yourself, talk with other friends, take some time for fun; I know I wasn't (still not) easy to deal with and I wish my parents took more time with their friends to de-stress because I don't want to bring them down with me. :confused: Keeping yourself strong, healthy, happy and involved in life will likely help him in the long run too.

 

[havingfaith]

Rainbow_Habitue, I apologize I can't get my keyboard to make the accent over your e.
Thank you for your post. He feels the same way you described. Everyone points fingers at him and blames him and in turn he starts to blame himself and emotionally beats himself up. But, he will also lose sleep over a job and this is what gets him really stressed out. He can't take a break right now he builds pools and it is his prime season and the weather has not been cooperating.

He started to text me this afternoon. So I kept it light and funny. He said it is not good here in Oz. So I said Dorothy click your heels and repeat after me, I want to go home. Then I sent him a picture I took of him on the beach in March flying my kite. He was like a little kid who had never flown a kite. He has texted a few times back today and I am trying to be short and sweet and positive.

He has this job because he lost his very good job when his wife died 4 years ago. He went on a drinking binge and made a huge mistake at work. He was fired and has never had a good job since. His family let him have a chance at this job and he has done great with it and is a great manager. The other owner does not like him and battles with him daily.

I am not calling him. Letting him text me. Trying hard to give him space.

How will I know he is ready to talk? Is it really the stress that puts things out of control? He has one huge nightmare job next week that he has dreaded for months now. Everyone in the situation is fighting about how it needs to be fixed. He takes things so personally.

Thank you for your response it means so much to me to know that I am not overreacting to this. That he really is in pain and can't help it.

It is true that he is the only one that can get through this? Nothing that is said to him will really help him?
He stopped therapy and his medication and I know that is why he got so bad this time. He has no insurance.

I need to know if pushing me away is because he can and he has one less thing to deal with? Or did he run to another woman and is with her. I have no idea how to deal with this part, I guess time will tell.

I would go to therapy with him if he would go. I am trying to find a support group but have had no luck.

 

[p-no]

I think that I struggle most with the unpredictability that comes with his PTSD symptoms. I never know when he will be "normal" and be able to follow through, have a good day etc. I always want to expect the best and I am so let down when things go "wrong". I do recognize that it comes from a place of fear within myself.

I want to deny that my J is hurting as much as you describe. It crushes me, and it's easier to be mad at him

Dear Inthistogether,

Also, a sufferer speaking. In the last two years I was the supporter of a sufferer (a sufferer not of PTSD but a condition that had very many of the PTDS symptoms). I was desperately looking for ways to support him and truly understand -- because understanding has always enabled me to find a gas station, figuratively speaking, to fill my depleted tank with energy in order to keep supporting.

It took me getting drained to the bone to finally look at some things: I was in a forum similar to this one and I posted all my feelings, hopes, despair, etc. What I had not done up to that point is look at me rather than him. I started then to read my own posts right after posting. I started to take myself literally, in the sense that what I wrote was really what I meant to say. I concentrated on focusing on exactly what I had written. And had started to take that seriously.

This lead me to understand on a very deep level that I really was drained and out of energy. I needed to leave.

Please do not read anything into this with regard to "what you should do". That is not included here. This is really about me. What I do want to tell you though is: be careful not to support him more than you support yourself. You are just as important.

My listening and taking care of my own needs started in a way that for example when he was using me as an emotional garbage can to get rid of all that was weighing upon him, I would get very clear and direct about my needs, e.g. saying: I have had a very difficult day myself and I can not listen to you at the moment. I'll be happy to listen later, but now I need a break myself. He would continue and seemed sometimes to not even have listened to me saying that. So I simply got up, put on my jacket and left saying that I had said I needed a break and if I couldn't have it at home, I would go for a walk and would be back in about an hour. (Giving him a perspective by saying I'd be back in an hour (= not gone forever) helped a lot.) Then I left. I wasn't mad or anything. What I did was listen to my own needs and follow up.

In my case nothing changed in the way I was treated long-term, despite talking things over etc. So I left.

I am really trying to say with this that supporters often easily get sucked into becoming sufferers. It all comes slowly, so take good care of yourself. Maybe it could help you to just go for a walk when you feel that anger and despair coming up. Just go see the sun or a flower or just run a few hundred meters often helps me. This might give him space too and clean up the space and air at home.

Sometimes we sufferers can't do the things we really want to. We suffer from that also. But if you suffer also, then you also need support.

prime

 

[Tinyflame]

I think Rose Monarch hit something on the head; one really doesn't know what others suffer with/ don't suffer with, or agonize over. So there can be great misunderstandings as to 'what' (or specifically 'why') certain things are terribly stressful. Without communicating that, no one ever really knows.

Also, one may not know what 'normal' is.

I think, sometimes, that is why there is a need for reassurance, it isn't really reassurance, per se, but out-right direction required.

Especially when one has no sense of how to seperate the ptsd, apart.
Let alone knowing what emotions are 'normal', in or after a particular event.

Like with the example of abuse, (but it could be as regards many things), seeing others' 'reactions' ('normal' ones) seems to give permission to feel it yourself (even if you felt it, or wondered, but don't know if that's somehow applicable/ allowed).
If that makes any sense, whatsoever! :confused::rolleyes:

I don't know what to say to havingfaith; like prime-no said it can be horrible for a 'carer'. I don't know what to say, really.

 

[Eleanor]

Thank you inthistogether, for posting this thread. I struggle with the frustration too (Can't you FINISH anything?????) And thank you everyone else (sufferers especially) for the insight into what he is going through.

Talking through our feelings in detail - and taking the "cause" out of it (as in "You made me feel X") really helps.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

It is true that he is the only one that can get through this? Nothing that is said to him will really help him?
He stopped therapy and his medication and I know that is why he got so bad this time. He has no insurance.

I need to know if pushing me away is because he can and he has one less thing to deal with? Or did he run to another woman and is with her. I have no idea how to deal with this part, I guess time will tell.

I would go to therapy with him if he would go. I am trying to find a support group but have had no luck.

He could be pushing you away (I do that a lot), but maybe it would help if you could see a personal therapist to help you deal with his PTSD. Someone trained and distanced from the situation might be able to help you see the right path through.

Whether or not that entails anything you can do, I'm sorry, but I don't know really. I'm not even sure what I need (and also I'm a 22 yr old female, so not at all the same story). My heart goes out to you.

Rainbow_Habitue, I apologize I can't get my keyboard to make the accent over your e.

Neither could I. :p I liked the word so I copied and pasted from the dictionary. ;)

 

[catjudo]

I apologize I can't get my keyboard to make the accent over your e.

Sorry to jump in with my off topic interruption. If you're using a windows based PC, you should be able to use an alt code to achieve the é. Try holding down your ALT key and type the number 0233, then let go of the ALT key...this should give you the letter é.

 

[inthistogether83]

I was google searching for something,. anything really, to help me to get through yet another frustrating day. I came across this and when I read it I could not help but feel your emotion. I know exactly how you feel and it touched me so much that I immediately made myself a profile on here. Thank you so much for being honest and bold enough to say that at times you just want to scream. I now know I am not alone and just a cruel heartless B*$@H! Of course you dont spend your life screaming at him because it would do NO good for you or for him, but we are only human and at time just reach a point where we too feel we could break. I look forward to following your posts and hope this is only the beginning of what could prove to be a (for lack of better words) friendship with someone who seems to understand how I feel. Cant wait to keep reading your posts!

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

This thread stuck me. Hard. While I am usually really good at giving him space, and letting him deal with all the things in his head that I don't know about and he doesn't communicate to me, recently his pulling away from me has REALLY bothered me.

When he does NOTHING but eat, sleep and play online while I struggle every minute of everyday to maintain our home, figure out our expenses all the while he is not only not helping, he often doesn't even acknowledge me even when I say something as simple as good morning or what would you like for dinner. He doesn't throw away trash or put his dirty laundry in the basket and can't even be bothered to rinse a dish when he is done eating. I complain that it is like having an irresponsible ungrateful teenager in addition to my own child.

So glad I found this forum. I am gaining so much information and insight to our situation. I sat him down this morning and told him about what I have read here, and apologized for my reaction recently and how I am learning to understand better. We agreed to find couples counselling to help better communicate and set realistic boundaries.

I am excited and hopeful, as well as a little bit intimidated by the enormity of it all, but I am feeling much more optimistic about our future and ability to work on this together. :D

 

[DanielDvorak1234]

I submit to you that J is not being these negative things, he is actually suffering from PTSD... and he's hurting enough already. I understand your frustration, but this is extremely offensive. It's like telling someone with diabetes to quit whining and eat the food that's being offered; or someone with skin cancer to buck up and spend the day in the sun with friends and family; these things can be done... but at what cost to the sufferer?

This really hits home. I have PTSD from war and I go through this all the time every day. My wife is currently pregnant with twins and we have a 2 year old daughter. She tells me every day to act like a man, stop being so lazy, your worthless, grow up and support your family, stop sitting on your a$$ and do something, get a job, look for a job.......................!

It's not that I want to be lazy and only today looked up if PTSD makes you lazy because I was never like this before. I tell myself non stop just get up and do it or why can't I just do it all read, just get up and do it. I never do. I wait till I have no choice just to go to the bathroom because I don't want to get up and go. I am currently going back to school and have missed many days and barely doing any of the school work assigned.......OK, I have done non of the work assigned. I hate it so bad that I am so lazy and just can't figure out why I am. It was very relieving to see that I am not the only one and in fact have tears just writing this. I have nightmares all the time and wake up covered in sweat a lot. My wife has currently left me until I get my act together because she is tired of me being so lazy. She says she will come back once I get a job and prove I can help take care of the kids, her and help keep the house clean.

I don't know why I can't just stop being lazy and change? Seems like such an easy thing to do. I am going to see if there is a drug I can get from mental health to help me be less lazy all the time. I don't know what else to do. If I stop going to school, I won't get the money from the GI bill and we will not be able to pay the bills since I only have 70% disability for PTSD from the VA which only pays 1440 a month and I can't stop going to school to wait for the government disability to be approved and receive it. I have no idea what to do if there is no medication to stop being lazy.

 

[Anna]

I dunno. I am female. I have PTSD. My husband does not. He is lazy too and I quite often have to nag him to do anything. Ask any wife ;)

I do not think it has anything to do with PTSD. Some people, regardless of gender just need a serious kick up the arse when it comes to doing anything. It is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what it is.

With me, working helps me stop thinking, if I do not keep myself busy I start thinking and then I get really bad.

I don't know, maybe there is a gender difference? who knows? Guess they have not really looked into it enough.

However, I do know shouting at someone or nagging someone with a mental illness is really bad. If my husband shouts at me it really makes it a whole lot worse, I will react differently to someone without PTSD.

People allow for physical disabilty. Why not for mental illness?

Recently in the news the phenomenen of "hoarding" is coming to light. This is an extreme example of what can happen in certain cases of untreated mental illness. Hoarders are not lazy, they are ill and need help.

Sometimes they fill their houses with tons and tons of stuff.