BPD Acting out in anger.

[Cannottakethis]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section so if it's wrong feel free to move it.

I have ptsd and borderline personality disorder.
I've been doing really well lately after 2 back to back inpatient hospital visits and now finishing up an iop next week focusing on DBT.

I've been working so hard to do things right, keep up on my house, laundry, food shopping, etc ( I'm married and don't work. I'm on ssdi)

Yesterday I had an argument with my husband. It doesn't even matter why. I got so mad because I felt like he wasn't listening.

I forgot every skill I knew.

I went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife and when he came out of the bathroom I was waiting for him with it. He still wasn't listening. I finally put the knife down and he told me I should go to the hospital. I said no. He told me how sad he was because I'd been doing so well and how he just lost all his trust in me.

I feel so shitty. I can't believe I did that to him or to myself. I really was doing well and I totally messed it up.

I have been under a huge amount of stress lately with finding out I need hearing aids, getting an MRI (negative ) and getting the aids fitted yesterday (before the knife incident ).

The whole thing we were fighting about was a mistake I made.

I don't know what to do now.

I apologized later that night via text and then in person.

I feel so lost now. I just want to go to bed and hide and I can't because there's too much to do.

I'll see my therapist later this week.

I feel like such a loser. I thought I was done with this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The knife thing..... That's some serious shit. That's really scary and above the just angry threshold. So, I think you need to figure out what triggered you, and why you felt in necessary to pull a knife on your husband???.

I'm not judging, but this is serious and not something that can be apologized away.

 

[ladee]

The 'not being heard' thing used to drive me to do some pretty insane things, in hindsight...at the moment, my rage was in control and it seemed perfectly normal...not to the one on the other end of my rage.... and it was my ex.... so I do understand.

As @She Cat suggested,at some point you might want to replay that whole thing in your mind and see when you hit your rage point.... because it had been building to that... it seems I would go from 0 to 60 in a flash, but there was always a build up... I had to take a very honest look, more than once... to see where I crossed the line...then I had to practice 'catching myself' before it went to the point of rage.... and finding things to ground myself.... simple things.... turning away and walking outside, having a pillow to hit... that one didn't work for me... stomping my feet into the floor.... not going to share the self harm things.... that got me nowhere.... but find something that works for you.... it could be writing, crying, punching a pillow, anything that will not cause you harm or someone else... and by all means, tell your T about this... a temporary set back... something that needs to be addressed.... beating yourself up is taking energy you can be using to find a solution.... that never gets us anywhere....

That choice did not undo all the work you have done so far... it was isolated... and it got your attention... so find out why . Your T will have other suggestions for grounding BEFORE you get to the flash point...I truly understand. And I have conquered that rage... it can be done... sending gentle hugs to a fellow traveler that has issues with not being heard....

 

[The Albatross]

Go to the hospital. What happened happened. Now what do you do about it.

How you feel about it at this point is pretty moot. How do you think he felt about it and if it was you on the other end of that knife, what would you think or be feeling?

 

[Cannottakethis]

You are all right. It's way more serious than I thought about it being when I did it: and @The Albatross OMG thank you for pointing out how it would be the other way around. Oh course that did not cross my mind for one second. Please know I am completely serious. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I read your post. Last night he said to me You can't f-ck around with guns and knives. They're serious, but it wasn't sinking in.

@ladee and @She Cat,
I thought there was an overreaction to the situation. His anger was just too much for what I did, and just kept building throughout the day. The more I tried to apologize, say something, explain myself or talk about my feelings I got shut down. I could feel myself getting angry earlier in the day and was able to ground myself. We were doing better and then he just wouldn't let me talk at all, just every word I said was shot down, and I just wNted to be able to talk. When he's right he just doesn't stfu about it. I needed him to stop. It was just too much. That's when I got the knife. I thought if I could just get him to sit and talk he would listen to me without interrupting he could understand me a little better. I never thought I'd stab him. I don't know if he thought the same. I feel so awful.

Today he told me not to worry about yesterday. That doesn't mean I won't, but I think he realizes he was too hard on me.

 

[Gamera3000]

Did you end up with a plan for how to handle this?

I was drawn to your post because my brother in law told me recently that he thinks my sister has borderline personality disorder (I can see his point). She has some hard times similar to this incident you described, sometimes in front of their kids. She doesn't let me talk to her about this type of thing so I thought I'd check on you instead. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Your actions were over the top... dissect what you "thought" and you need to figure this out... big time.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I'm in a dbt program and spent a long time on this today. Then my therapist gave me a "behavior chain analysis" to fill out for us to go over tomorrow. It starts with prompting events, my vulnerabilities, and very detailed questions about my thoughts/actions and what led me to them, and how to have alternative thought/actions in the future in similar situations. It also goes into how to prevent similar vulnerabilities in the future... the whole thing is extremely time consuming and detailed and going through it really helped me understand myself much better.

@Gamera3000 the main thing about handling this is that I have to really recognize my triggers, how I feel physically and mentally and know what I have to do so that I don't behave like that. The reason I do dbt is to learn coping skills that I never had before...I had a lot of signals in myself that I ignored.

@The Albatross I think I'm doing what you said...figuring out the thought. As a dv victim, threatening my husband is truly the last thing I'd expect or be expected to be doing. One therapist said he's the first person I've ever trusted enough to show anger in front of. There was no anger shown in my childhood. I've always run away from it. When other people overpowered me, I just tried to get away. I'm in no way excusing my behavior. Just maybe giving some background.

At any rate, I have so much shame, guilt and remorse regarding this, and much work to do on myself. And, my husband understands that I need time out to use my skills, and even to be reminded to use them.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm in a dbt program and spent a long time on this today.

Are you in a full-support DBT program? It seems to me that you could really benefit from the regularity of it, and the phone support.

Also: does your husband have access to a therapist of his own? Or, do you think you could schedule an extra session so that he could join you at therapy, or meet with your therapist once in his own (you'd need to sign a release for that), so he can get some instruction on how to handle something like this, if it were to happen again?

I'm glad you are taking it seriously and doing the work. What happened was dangerous, and cold have ended badly.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Full support dbt? Well, it's kind of a funny story. I'm in an iop, so it's an accelerated dbt program for 12 weeks, and for most of the time I had "J" who was a 24ish intern. He didn't do phone coaching. My last week is this upcoming week and I do have the coaching now. Too little too late and all that.
I'm starting a more traditional program in July that will have true coaching along with once a week groups and therapy that I'm really looking forward to.

The husband does have access to a therapist. he's dealing with it in his own way, and then we're dealing with it together. It's amazing how one thing can change your perspective on so much.

 

[Gamera3000]

I have noticed with my sister, that she seems to act out a little more when she is with a dude who is nicer, like her two exs. Kind of like if things are quiet, you can hear small sounds better? I feel like when her life is quiet, she has a harder time. It's easier for her if she's with, say, a married guy, or a guy who doesn't want to treat her that well. Then she can concentrate on those problems instead of feeling bad for no reason. The work you're doing is really hard, but will make a big difference.