J_trustno1
Diamond Member
My question may sound repetitive but it's been almost a month since I've been to therapy due to Xmas and New year break so my counselor was off for a holiday. Anyway, this was the topic we were going to get into our previous session last month (December 2014) but we didn't quite get there.
So my question is: How do you define your other relationships after your childhood abuse? Can you still have a balanced relationship with your partner (i.e. intimacy) or is it always going to be that feeling of being emotionally numb and your body becoming stiff in order to prevent their touch.
My questions are not coming from one form of abuse but a mixture of several types of abuse and there were different offenders in each case. There was domestic violence by father, childhood labor by mother's narcissistic brother, emotional, verbal and physical abuse by her sisters, and finally a pedophile brother-in-law (mother's sister's husband).
Due to this cocktail of abuse I didn't know who I was till 2013 when I went into severe depression. I was questioning my purpose on earth and what I was here for. I had all that hidden inside from the age of 8 and I was told to keep family secret but I could no longer hold it in from the start of 2012 when I first started seeing a counselor at university. I used to talk about all the shit I had been through for example:
- how much I hated men growing up,
-how I have lost trust,
- that guilt, anger,
- I hated my own body, how I looked like and I didn't look in the mirror from the age of 13 to 16 due to the comments I had from my mum's siblings and my own father. I wore black from the age of 13 till I was 26 !!
- I also had eating disorders from the age of 13-15 due to the comments I was given by mum's sister.
-loss of interest in activities,
-all or no thinking, suicidal thoughts,
-fear of meeting men like my father, mum's brother or mum's pedophile brother-in-law,
-never being near the opposite gender,
-social isolation,
-mood swings, crying spells,
- cynical behavior
-always negative about relationships
-loss of concentration and lack of sleep (i.e. 1hr per night)
-Irritation and doomed view of future.
My depression has been returning year after year from the age of 16 and now I'm 27. I've been on so many antidepressant combinations since the last pill stopped working last year in April. Whenever I see people getting engaged or getting into relationships, I feel that part of my life missing. I feel that I haven't lived my life like a teenager due to all that domestic violence going on and working to support the family. Now I have such a negative view of the future that I feel that I will never get anywhere in life, I will end up with someone like my father or mum's narcissistic brother or that pedophile. Or else I think that if I do meet someone decent in future, I will not let him touch me since I freeze at even hugs and in my first relationship ever (with a so called friend who dumped me ) I had trouble letting him even hug me. I just don't trust people anymore to let them near me and I wonder how I will have a relationship in future, be a mother (or maybe not)... I think I have lost the plot. I hope you get what i mean.
Thanks for reading my post as I was going to very frustrated over this topic and if I hadn't written my feelings then I would've been crying over them for the next several days (PMDD it is).
So my question is: How do you define your other relationships after your childhood abuse? Can you still have a balanced relationship with your partner (i.e. intimacy) or is it always going to be that feeling of being emotionally numb and your body becoming stiff in order to prevent their touch.
My questions are not coming from one form of abuse but a mixture of several types of abuse and there were different offenders in each case. There was domestic violence by father, childhood labor by mother's narcissistic brother, emotional, verbal and physical abuse by her sisters, and finally a pedophile brother-in-law (mother's sister's husband).
Due to this cocktail of abuse I didn't know who I was till 2013 when I went into severe depression. I was questioning my purpose on earth and what I was here for. I had all that hidden inside from the age of 8 and I was told to keep family secret but I could no longer hold it in from the start of 2012 when I first started seeing a counselor at university. I used to talk about all the shit I had been through for example:
- how much I hated men growing up,
-how I have lost trust,
- that guilt, anger,
- I hated my own body, how I looked like and I didn't look in the mirror from the age of 13 to 16 due to the comments I had from my mum's siblings and my own father. I wore black from the age of 13 till I was 26 !!
- I also had eating disorders from the age of 13-15 due to the comments I was given by mum's sister.
-loss of interest in activities,
-all or no thinking, suicidal thoughts,
-fear of meeting men like my father, mum's brother or mum's pedophile brother-in-law,
-never being near the opposite gender,
-social isolation,
-mood swings, crying spells,
- cynical behavior
-always negative about relationships
-loss of concentration and lack of sleep (i.e. 1hr per night)
-Irritation and doomed view of future.
My depression has been returning year after year from the age of 16 and now I'm 27. I've been on so many antidepressant combinations since the last pill stopped working last year in April. Whenever I see people getting engaged or getting into relationships, I feel that part of my life missing. I feel that I haven't lived my life like a teenager due to all that domestic violence going on and working to support the family. Now I have such a negative view of the future that I feel that I will never get anywhere in life, I will end up with someone like my father or mum's narcissistic brother or that pedophile. Or else I think that if I do meet someone decent in future, I will not let him touch me since I freeze at even hugs and in my first relationship ever (with a so called friend who dumped me ) I had trouble letting him even hug me. I just don't trust people anymore to let them near me and I wonder how I will have a relationship in future, be a mother (or maybe not)... I think I have lost the plot. I hope you get what i mean.
Thanks for reading my post as I was going to very frustrated over this topic and if I hadn't written my feelings then I would've been crying over them for the next several days (PMDD it is).
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