Advice about what to communicate please

[Looking4Rainbows]

Hi All,
After a workplace incident in jail, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was told by the government that I was never allowed to tell anyone about what had happened. The work insurance psychiatrist even said that I didn't work in a jail. My reaction was severe. Then I had 5 years of therapy and weekly sessions. During this time, childhood physical, emotional, and sexual abuse came out, I mean I always knew the things that happened, but for some reason, I didn't put it together in my head. I spent most of my childhood dissociated. I spent a lot of my married life dissociated, missing my children growing up. I have been teased, always being "off with the pixies".

This was a good way to be as I never had to feel anything. Now, I feel things, I feel things so much that I can't cope. I react emotionally. And there are so many triggers, smells, colours, music, the way people talk, the list is so long that i am always working on managing these.

My family and friends don't really know about it all. And when I have tried to reach out they seem uninterested, or not sure what to say, so I don't tell them.

So my question to you all is what do you say to people, family, and friends? Do you tell them about what you are trying to deal with? Do you tell them about the past? Do you tell them that you are sorry that you have just spent the last hour hysterically crying because the smell of the urine triggered you into a flashback where you lost sense of reality for a while? Or do you continue to let them judge you as "crazy"?

Really appreciate any advice on how you navigate this part of the cPTSD journey.

 

[Weemie]

I'm very open about my symptoms and my experiences, but it's taken many years to get to the point that I feel - if not comfortable, habituated - able to do so and able to handle the potential backlash that can sometimes occur. I've had strangers yell insults at me because they get triggered simply by hearing my trauma. So, it can be tough to navigate that line between causing trauma reactions in others, and being honest.

But in my experience, honesty has worked well for me because it allows people to understand why certain things are happening and why I am the way I am. It takes a bit of a tough skin, you never know how someone is going to respond to even mild aversive details, but at the end of the day their behavior and their reactions are their problem (assuming you are being clinical/sparing and informative, not randomly trauma dumping). It's not our fault that our lives are like this, and that's just the way of the world.

There is really an unimaginable degree of brutality in our society that a lot of people are unaware of, but we have the right to exist and take up space, too. And if they are uninterested or don't care, that is also their problem. If they don't care to understand you, then they have no right to complain about your mental illness symptoms - considering that the alternative is educating them.

People may still view you as crazy, or unstable/unpredictable, or even dangerous. PTSD has a pretty big stigma associated with it, and there's a ton of ignorance out there, but wearing your armor and being exactly who you are? At least you are attempting to break the barriers. At least you got to be the "most" yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think most people struggle to handle the impact of these things. Not necessarily out of meanness, but prob out of a desire for us to be ok. They want it gone and healed.
Which means, in my opinion anyway, that I keep things quiet. No one in my work knows, save for my manager that I finish work early on a Thursday as I have therapy. Nothing more than that. I don't feel safe saying anymore to her.

In terms of family: my family of origin: I haven't said a thing.

So I have only told some select friends and my partner.

What do you want/need from telling people? Maybe sharing with one or two people might help? Maybe there are degrees of telling? Some friends you might tell more than others. Some might understand one part, others might understand another.

 

[arfie]

Or do you continue to let them judge you as "crazy"?

****LET*** them continue to judge me as crazy? i'd sooner try to stop the oceans from their tidal motions. judges will judge. i accept that as nature in action and simply move to higher ground when the tides come in.

as for how much i share with whom, i let that flow on the tides of conversation. if the conversation feels amenable to sharing, i share. if the person i am talking to starts putting on their judge's robe and reaching for their judge's gavel, i move to higher ground. sorry for sharing, your honor.

 

[Friday]

Or do you continue to let them judge you as "crazy"?

Oh, I strongly prefer crazy. As I already know what’s going on with me, what other people see/assume/read the situation as? Tells me a whole helluva lot about them.

 

[PlainJane]

Oh, I strongly prefer crazy. As I already know what’s going on with me, what other people see/assume/read the situation as? Tells me a whole helluva lot about them.

I was about to comment the same thing

 

[LuckiLee]

Share the Ptsd stress cup analogy that's here on the forum with them.

 

[Looking4Rainbows]

I'm very open about my symptoms and my experiences, but it's taken many years to get to the point that I feel - if not comfortable, habituated - able to do so and able to handle the potential backlash that can sometimes occur. I've had strangers yell insults at me because they get triggered simply by hearing my trauma. So, it can be tough to navigate that line between causing trauma reactions in others, and being honest.

But in my experience, honesty has worked well for me because it allows people to understand why certain things are happening and why I am the way I am. It takes a bit of a tough skin, you never know how someone is going to respond to even mild aversive details, but at the end of the day their behavior and their reactions are their problem (assuming you are being clinical/sparing and informative, not randomly trauma dumping). It's not our fault that our lives are like this, and that's just the way of the world.

There is really an unimaginable degree of brutality in our society that a lot of people are unaware of, but we have the right to exist and take up space, too. And if they are uninterested or don't care, that is also their problem. If they don't care to understand you, then they have no right to complain about your mental illness symptoms - considering that the alternative is educating them.

People may still view you as crazy, or unstable/unpredictable, or even dangerous. PTSD has a pretty big stigma associated with it, and there's a ton of ignorance out there, but wearing your armor and being exactly who you are? At least you are attempting to break the barriers. At least you got to be the "most" yourself.

Thank you for your well thought out reply. Just got to make some armour.

 

[Looking4Rainbows]

I'm very open about my symptoms and my experiences, but it's taken many years to get to the point that I feel - if not comfortable, habituated - able to do so and able to handle the potential backlash that can sometimes occur. I've had strangers yell insults at me because they get triggered simply by hearing my trauma. So, it can be tough to navigate that line between causing trauma reactions in others, and being honest.

But in my experience, honesty has worked well for me because it allows people to understand why certain things are happening and why I am the way I am. It takes a bit of a tough skin, you never know how someone is going to respond to even mild aversive details, but at the end of the day their behavior and their reactions are their problem (assuming you are being clinical/sparing and informative, not randomly trauma dumping). It's not our fault that our lives are like this, and that's just the way of the world.

There is really an unimaginable degree of brutality in our society that a lot of people are unaware of, but we have the right to exist and take up space, too. And if they are uninterested or don't care, that is also their problem. If they don't care to understand you, then they have no right to complain about your mental illness symptoms - considering that the alternative is educating them.

People may still view you as crazy, or unstable/unpredictable, or even dangerous. PTSD has a pretty big stigma associated with it, and there's a ton of ignorance out there, but wearing your armor and being exactly who you are? At least you are attempting to break the barriers. At least you got to be the "most" yourself.

Thank you so much Weemie, I have just reread your response (takes a while for me to process things) and I have given your advice a go with a more trusted friend. It felt empowering, and even though my friend didn't say anything, she didn't turn away and was just present in the moment. Then I tried my sister. I called out the way she laughed at me and shamed me in front of some people for not remembering that she had told me something. I said that i have trouble remembering things and I feel like i was being bullied for this. She hasn't spoken to me since. Hard as she lives next door. But, even though it was, as you said it was uncomfortable, i feel better for it. So thanks again, I really didn't think i would get such helpful advice on this forum.

I think most people struggle to handle the impact of these things. Not necessarily out of meanness, but prob out of a desire for us to be ok. They want it gone and healed.
Which means, in my opinion anyway, that I keep things quiet. No one in my work knows, save for my manager that I finish work early on a Thursday as I have therapy. Nothing more than that. I don't feel safe saying anymore to her.

In terms of family: my family of origin: I haven't said a thing.

So I have only told some select friends and my partner.

What do you want/need from telling people? Maybe sharing with one or two people might help? Maybe there are degrees of telling? Some friends you might tell more than others. Some might understand one part, others might understand another.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have thought about the why or what I need from people. I think i need my family not to shame me because I don't remember everything they tell me. I think I need people to be more understanding when i forget mid-sentence what i was saying or forget really basic information like someone's name. The people I work with are very generous around these sorts of things, and as a result it happens less often when i am at work. (they don't know about my mental health) But some members of my family are relentless in calling out shaming etc, so I think i want them to stop