General Advice For Leaving Abusive Relationship Strangely Similar To Sufferers Who Isolate

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Whilst there are a lot of people who treat others as they wish to be treated? There’s also the whole opposites-attract thing, where what one brings to a relationship is very different from what they themselves need in a relationship, or in a partner.


I’ve never been able to decide to love someone or not love someone.

I can 100% decide how I treat people, to a lesser degree decide how I think of them, but not at all how I feel about them.

Domestic violence really underscores that. You don’t leave an abusive relationship because you don’t love them, you leave because it’s not okay for others to abuse you. (And it’s ESPECIALLY not okay for the people you love to abuse you.)

Thank you Friday you have raised a brilliant point-' Especially not okay for the people you love to abuse you '.

Yes agree - we feel love ,love is a feeling, you are a 100% right- but, I feel -we also choose to love especially after the honeymoon phase wears thin, years or decades later.

Please move this to the appropriate thread if required. The question relates to DV, CPTSD,PTSD and is fully within topic.




Again, this reply is posted with much respect and appreciation to and of both sufferers and supporters as some topics might be sensitive.

In Domestic Violence there are a few pieces of advice experts and even therapists offer- if partner /person friend ,family, is abusive, then the (victim) recipient who does not feel safe is advised to-

1) Go no contact is almost always recommended - no calls, no , texts, no face to face ,no emails.
2) If essential, the victim is advised to break up the friendship or connection via text ( for the safety of the victim)
3) Remove oneself from the environment without knowledge of the abuser.

Strangely enough this ( steps 1, 2, & 3)) is quite similar to the behaviour of PTSD, CPTSD sufferers who abruptly isolate, cut all contact and go MIA. Almost to a point where the sufferer projects and imprints the patterns of past real abusers on currents true supporters (family, frineds, companions). Time and time again, many supporters are faced with this challenge of being made to feel like the "wrong-doer" or the " trigger" but most of the time are not.

Help me and maybe a few more in the community understand please? Any insights or thoughts? Thank you for reading.

 

[Friday]

Please move this to the appropriate thread if required. The question relates to DV, CPTSD,PTSD and is fully within topic.

Mod Note : As this is an entirely new question / series of questions (than looking at what makes a partnership supportive) I have moved this post to it’s own thread.

The originating thread can be found here >>> do you have a supportive partner? what does that support look like for you?

As always, if there are any questions/comments/concerns regarding this ModNote or any other Staff Direction… please hit us up at Contact Us… rather than replying in thread. Thanks!

 

[Friday]

Strangely enough this ( steps 1, 2, & 3)) is quite similar to the behaviour of PTSD, CPTSD sufferers who abruptly isolate, cut all contact and go MIA. Almost to a point where the sufferer projects and imprints the patterns of past real abusers on currents true supporters (family, frineds, companions). Time and time again, many supporters are faced with this challenge of being made to feel like the "wrong-doer" or the " trigger" but most of the time are not.

I was someone who isolated with absolutely zero / looooooooong before adding abuse to my history. As do many other sufferers whose trauma history is in no way related to projecting patterns / past behaviours onto current relationships (car accidents, combat, natural disasters, mountain climbing accidents, bank robberies, terrorist attacks, etc.).

Having known a helluva lotta people in ^^^that^^^ crowd? It tends to split into those who blame their partners for “why” they’re isolating, and those who don’t, and those who need to cause a reason in order to give themselves permission to isolate (picking a fight, etc.).

 

[Sideways]

Almost to a point where the sufferer projects and imprints the patterns of past real abusers on currents true supporters (family, frineds, companions).

There are lots of reasons that people in relationships leave the relationship and cut contact.

One of those reasons is escaping a DV situation.
Another reason is the person has ptsd and is symptomatic.

Those two reasons for the same behaviour are most often entirely unrelated.

being made to feel like

This is the part I’d explore.

There’s a learned helplessness in the idea that someone else made us feel something.

Someone does something.
You have feelings about that.

The first part of that is all them stuff, and the second part is all you stuff.

If someone has walked away from you because they have ptsd and they are symptomatic, leave that with them. It doesn’t say anything at all about you as a person, any more than their having asthma is a reflection on you.

 

[KayW]

1) Go no contact is almost always recommended - no calls, no , texts, no face to face ,no emails.
2) If essential, the victim is advised to break up the friendship or connection via text ( for the safety of the victim)
3) Remove oneself from the environment without knowledge of the abuser.

Strangely enough this ( steps 1, 2, & 3)) is quite similar to the behaviour of PTSD, CPTSD sufferers who abruptly isolate, cut all contact and go MIA. Almost to a point where the sufferer projects and imprints the patterns of past real abusers on currents true supporters (family, frineds, companions). Time and time again, many supporters are faced with this challenge of being made to feel like the "wrong-doer" or the " trigger" but most of the time are not.

I've left an abusive relationship (I didn't have PTSD at that time) and I've removed myself from friendships that triggered symptoms. From my perspective, the advice given to victims of DV and isolating oneself due to PTSD are very different.

The advice to someone leaving a DV situation is there to help them resist going back because when you've just left, going back to what you know can feel easier to the abused mind than facing an unknown life alone.

When I've left friends that triggered symptoms, I've felt devastated if I'd known them for a long time and loved them, but there was a sense of relief to be alone.

 

[Freida]

Almost to a point where the sufferer projects and imprints the patterns of past real abusers on currents true supporters (family, frineds, companions). Time and time again, many supporters are faced with this challenge of being made to feel like the "wrong-doer" or the " trigger" but most of the time are not.

hmmmm....had to think on this a bit.

I think there is a diference between my need to isolate and my blaming my sufferers for my feelings.
If hubby does something that triggers me it's on me to deal with it without blaming him because I know it's my trigger causing the problem. So i might remove myself from the room/house/whatever to deal with the trigger - which is separate from how I feel about hubby. It's not about anger. It's about ptsd

If hubby does something intentional to trigger me?? Then we are gonna have a fight. Period. Then it's gonna be about anger regardless of ptsd and I may or may not take off because of what HE did.

If ptsd is kicking my ass, there are too many flashbacks, I can't remember reality, I can't have a conversation without blowing up at someone and I'm all out panicked I may take off. But that has nothing to do with hubby or any of my supporters. It's about getting me isolated to try to figure out what is exploding in my head

If that helps?

 

[Muttly]

I agree with Frieda. I'd add that part of it is instinctual. I'm reacting, not thinking. I guess that part is selfish in a way because it has nothing to do with my hubby. Having said that, another part is very intentional to protect him. If I know I'm triggered and projecting things onto him that are not fair, I want to step away. I don't want him to be caught up in blame/emotions that are products of past abuse.