Sexual Assault Advice needed. assault.

[Amie]

Recently, I’ve been struggling to shift some memories I haven’t thought about in over 10 years. Something triggered these memories and I can’t seem to shift them. Flashbacks, and seeing his face everywhere. But I lack in some details of the events that’s frustrating me.

Was it assault? I was underage, but didn’t say no. He was a family friend, a hell of a lot older than me and made me feel like I couldn’t say no. I’ve never spoken about it, said it out loud or anything like that. But wherever I go I feel like I see him everywhere, he never leaves my thoughts - memories playing over and over.

Is it normal to have a trauma like this affect you nearly 10 years later? I see everything a lot differently now and see exactly how wrong he was and how vulnerable I was. How do I bring this up to talk to anyone about it when I can’t even speak out loud about it on my own? Very Frustrated and confused.

I feel like no one would believe me if I bring it up now, or everyone would shrug it off thinking why is it only being talked about now. Will my husband look at me differently - damaged potentially.

 

[joeylittle]

If you haven’t, please read this: Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

 

[nowthisisme]

Welcome to the forum. I was sexually abused 23 years ago and all the memories decided to come back this year .. it is a very difficult situation. So yes it is normal for memories to come up years later.

I wasn't able to process anything untill i began therapy. What you been to therapy yet?

 

[Deleted member 44517]

I didn't say no either.
Didn't have a chance to really. His family and mine were friends. He was also much older.

It was still rape.
I am only now comfortable saying that. It was 18 years ago. While symptoms of ptsd came about a year after the fact, they would morph and fluctuate in intensity for the next two decades. It is not uncommon for unprocessed trauma to stick around for a long time. You sound like you are having ptsd like symptoms. I would suggest that a therapist would help you sort that out.

Welcome to the site.
I'm sorry for what brought you here.

 

[Deleted member 43031]

Recently, I’ve been struggling to shift some memories I haven’t thought about in over 10 years. Something triggered t...

Yes it was absolutely unquestionably assault. A horrific thing that happened to you, and to survive you pushed that memory back to grow and survive. As you said, something triggered them. Do you see a therapist? If you do I would make a call immediately to talk and get support. If your husband truly loves you - I cannot imagine he would be anything but supportive and comforting, as right now you need to feel safe - have a safe haven and to feel comforted. Plus if it is overwhelming; redirect. There are a lot of what is called "mindfulness exercises" when things get to the point of overload. Assuming you have a healthy loving relationship, your husband would want to know this - so he can be part of your support system. It was NOT your fault in any way shape of form. You are damaged, and those whom love you will hold you all the more tenderly as you deal with this. Not all at once, in bits that you can handle. He can't fix it - but be there for you. Look at the climate we are in socially, SO many women are coming forward publicly accusing well known actors and public figures of sexual harassment and assault. A huge trigger as all are saying "enough!", we have suffered in silence too long! Of course you would and should be believed. It was real and horrible. The key is getting some safety in place before going too far into this. Like therapy, a support group. Local survivors groups in your area. Advocate for yourself! You deserve it, you deserve all the love kindness and support you can get, that was your birthright. Just by posting here - you took the first step! Yeah You! Sending much love, gentleness, and light to you.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @amie.... It doesn't matter if you didn't say no... You didn't want it to happen. You froze.. Alot of people do.
I'm sorry that happened to you and the fact that you have to see this guy... That would freak me out.... Or make me angry enough to do something stupid.
Memories come back years and years later. Anyone who cares about you will believe you... Why would anyone make this up?.

Therapy, support, medication... Alot of self love.... It was not your fault... It is never our faults.... Take care....

Sorry just re read your post you don't actually see him..... Good... But you see his face... Not good.... That's awful and scary...

 

[Genuwine]

Recently, I’ve been struggling to shift some memories I haven’t thought about in over 10 years. Something triggered t...

Yes it is normal! About 2 years ago I was triggered from past trauma and thought I was going crazy. Triggers can surface out of nowhere so that even though we may have successfully repressed a memory and seemingly moved on, it can come back to haunt us. Most of my traumas happened about 15 years ago. It has taken time and patience to piece these memories together. Some were clear and vivid while others foggy. I have PTSD from multiple traumas and am receiving therapy in the form of EMDR to help me process these traumas.

I was afraid to tell my husband too. I loved him too much to bear the thought of him looking at me differently. But you have to ask yourself, if your husband came to you for the exact same reason, would you view him as damaged and push him away? Would you believe him or think he made it up? I know it's hard to share bits and pieces of foggy memory. It sometimes feels safer to hold onto it until you know it's real and can make sense of it yourself. In my own personal experience, sharing these memories has only brought us closer together and strengthened our bond. In fact, one of my traumas was a sexual assault where I was too afraid to say no. I blamed myself for years because of this. I was confused and did not feel it appropriate to call it sexual assault since I did not say no. It wasn't until I told my husband and heard him say to me, "it's not your fault" that I could finally let go of my guilt. He even helped me do research to determine if what I had experienced was in fact, sexual assault. That was a gift I never would've received had I chosen not to tell my husband.

 

[Hooper]

If you can't speak about it don't. Keep writing. Speaking with someone like a therapist is a good idea but writing lets you collect your thoughts and organize them without the interruptions of conversation. As for telling your husband I can tell you when my wife told me in generalities she was raped it had zero impact on how I felt about her outside of sympathy. I loved her before I knew so knowing did not change that one bit. The mistake I made was asking "exactly" what happened. That was one of dumbest questions I have asked. There is truth in ignorance is bliss. In no way did it change me feelings for her but to say I didn't handle the details well is an understatement. Wish you well.

 

[Amie]

thankyou all for your responses, kind words and sharing your experiences with me,

I was 14 nearly 15 at the time, it didn’t go as far as intercourse but I was coerced into doing other things, and he did things to me.. and it went on for a few months every time he would visit, he lived far away and would sleep at our house and I couldn’t escape it. He was a friend of my dads, and my mum and Dad split when I was 15, so he didn’t come round as much although he did try and maintain a friendly relationship with my Mum, and I knew it was to see me. and for me I think, if i wasn’t raped and it didn’t go on for years - am I exaggerating? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Is it normal to feel like that? That it isn’t a big deal and you’ll stop thinking about it soon enough.

I’m 25 now, and in happy and loving marriage, I couldn’t ask for a better husband, I just wouldn’t know how to bring it up with him. But maybe that’s how therapy would help me talk about it.

I haven’t had any therapy yet - I have found a few counsellors local to me that I am going to get in contact with, but every time I think about ringing them I just can’t do it. I just feel.. well I don’t know really what I feel.. and I came across this website, and i was reading some posts and the support here is amazing So thankyou all for taking the time to reply to my message, I’m so sorry that you’ve all had these terrible experiences, but I’m glad you all seem to be in better places in dealing with them x

 

[Genuwine]

thankyou all for your responses, kind words and sharing your experiences with me...

You will figure out how to open up to your husband when you're ready. You will contact a counsellor when you're ready. Don't force it. But please know you are not making a big deal out of nothing. It doesn't have to be rape or to have continued on for years to be valid. Not all sexual assaults are rape.

Until you're ready to speak to others, I agree with @Hooper to journal about your experience and feelings. Perhaps even do some research to define what happened to you if you feel that would help. Rainn's website is a great resource. You can even chat with someone anonymously there. It doesn't have to be recent to justify calling or chatting online, I know, I've done it before.