Relationship Advice Needed On Seperation!

[Livy's Mom]

Hello everyone,

For a weeks my husband and I have been on the downside of our roller coaster and I'm looking for advice. My mind is blurred with thoughts on whether I am being protective of my daughter and I, or am I just trying to be passive aggressive/hold on as long as I can.

First let me lay out a few facts. We have been together 4 years and have a 3 year old little girl. This is the 2nd time he's leaving because "He isn't happy and doesn't love me, never did". I have a great job and have always been responsible with money. We shared a checking and savings account but have Seperate accounts as well. I never used my account because I found it easier to manage everything from the one. I managed all aspects of our finances because it was a stressor to him. He always used his personal account. His VA disability goes into it each month. His paycheck from his job which was very inconsistent was always given to me and I would put it in the joint account.

Each month he would spend his entire disability check $1400, on booze. We paid all of the remaining bills out of what he gave me from his job and my pay. Our savings is a result of my yearly bonus and income tax returns. When it was all said and done he always drank and burned more than he provided while I kept things running smooth.

Before this latest episode which I sort now was likely the cause of the episode, I approached him about how much he was spending on alcohol. He accused me of trying to control his money and watching what he's doing like a hawk. After a while he made no change so I decided to move the savings and my direct deposit into my personal account for two reasons. One to have him be responsible for his own money and not give crap what he was spending it on as long as he was putting his half every month in the joint account and 2. to protect what I had saved from his over spending.

When I approached him with it he said yeah sure thats ok... He had already slept on the couch for a week or so isolating and this likely pushed him right over the edge although I didn't know it at the time. I needed to protect myself.

So cut to this past week and him saying he doesn't love me and is moving out. Of course my emotions are running high and I do not want him to go. All the usual thoughts and feeling are popping up saying this isn't you, it's your PTSD blah blah blah...

At this point he wants me to take money out of the savings and give it to him to get his own place. My immediately reaction was you are out of your mind! He went crazy saying I was a vampire and all I care about it money, went on a tirade about how I controlled and manipulated him all these years to control him. He knows that I'm scheming and plotting and planning to ruin his life because he doesn't want to be with me. Screaming and yelling about how he is not going to live in a tent just because I want him to support his daughter.

I tried calmly to say that the money in that savings is for the security of our daughter and I when he leaves and I won't put our security at risk to make this easy for him. I also said that it's crazy for him think he can leave and not provide for his daughter.

It always comes back to me trying to hurt him. Always.

We have a pretty good life and aside from his issues we do well together. The relationship is good but he is unable to see that. I know I can't change it. He seeks no treatment for his PTSD or alcholism and never has. I had hopes he would be in time but of course it never happened.

So as it stands now he said he is going to stay here as long as it takes him to save enough to leave and he's not going to contribute to our normal bills in order to do so.

At this point I am so torn. Do I just say here take the damn money and go be "happy" and fall flat on your denail ridden face, or do I stand my ground and say that money is for us and your making this ridiculous choice so you deal with the struggle and consequences??

If I make it hard for him to go I am reinforcing his mindset that he doesn't love me and I cause him unhappiness, which I of course I don't want. If I give it to him, I give him the easy way to run and not deal with the real issue and I lose him and my security.

HELP!

 

[watundah]

Honey, this may not be what you want to hear, but you're married to an alcoholic. He doesn't love you, he loves booze. He is ill, and I doubt he'll ever leave. It's a control game that the sickness plays. You need to ask yourself whether this is how you want to live. Why do you want to be with someone who claims they don't love you? You are in a much better financial situation than a lot of women so it sounds like you can cut him loose and be just fine.

And as someone who grew up with two alcoholic parents, I can tell you that being apart is the best thing you can do for your child. A big part of why I'm on this board today!

It would be interesting to see, if he loses everything, would it be enough for him to get sober?

 

[AnnaC]

STAND YOUR GROUND! For you & your daughters sake!!
Just my opinion because I have been with a compulsive gambler drug addict for 16 years & I wish I would have left 15 years & 11 months ago! They will never change if they don't want to.
Protect your daughter she is the most important & precious!
I know that no two scenarios are the same but the children should always be the most important.
:hug:s

 

[Livy's Mom]

Oh I know exactly what your saying... I do. My intention is to let him go and eventually I'm sure he will hit whatever bottom he needs to and if he doesn't ever hit that bottom then we are better off anyway.

I guess my question is do I help him go? It pissess me off to help him out the door even though I know we are better off if he goes... Do I need to just get over that feeling of screw you??

 

[AnnaC]

That's a hard one because I can't get mine to leave either!
I can see where you just want to get him out but I'm also like you, screw him!:mad:
Maybe some other members can help:) (Me too!)

 

[qwyoey]

I think it's time to sit down with a lawyer. Everyone here can give you advice, but this isn't going to end any time soon in a pleasant way. Have a lawyer draw up legal separation agreement etc etc also outlining his financial responsibilities toward your daughter.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

If he gets a $1400 dollar disability check, he should be able to find a low rent place fairly easily. Idea: How bout you put him out on his callous, drunk butt, and you keep your money? :tup:

 

[Friday]

I'm with @qwyoey. Speak to a lawyer.

As a word of warning... My ex refused to split our savings when I left him, as well as refused to draw a line down the middle of our finances (he made 12x what I did at the time). Did the same things you did: moved all our money out of joint accounts and into his private one. Because he deliberately withheld family money? In the divorce I was granted 75% of assets up until the time of the divorce (instead of the date of separation) instead of 50%.

Now... I have to hire a forensic accountant to actually see that money (because my ex is a douche), which I won't do until my son is grown, but 75% is a significant difference from even the 50% owed by community property. As is he extra year's worth of asset split.

I have several friends in law... & was fairly flabbergasted when the judge ruled this (my lawyer was new to the state & said she hadn't seen this before, but liked it) so turned to them.... and they just laughed and said "Oh! He smacked him with the 'Don't be a controlling asshole penalty!'" It's a pretty common penalty in my state... Anytime someone drains the bank accounts and leaves, or moves money so their spouse can't get to it if they leave? 75% penalty for deliberately causing undue hardship & suffering via fiscal abuse.

In the eyes of the law in my state there is no legal difference if you withhold family money from your spouse "for their own good" or if a battered spouse is being kept trapped by having money withheld to prevent their leaving their abuser. It's treated the exact same way, with the exact same lack of patience by the courts.

 

[nursenurse]

I echo the lawyer sentiment, you need to think with your head and not your heart. Take care of business, because this is business. Your business is failing, you need to take every precaution to protect your assets, meaning you and your daughter, and cut your losses. I will bet that once you are free of his nonsense for awhile you will wonder what you saw in him after all he has put you through. Peace is what you need, and you will never have it with him as things stand. Good luck!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't know if this is any consolation or not, but his VA disability is subject to child support. They will take it out of there if it is ordered... especially since his rate of pay is based on having dependents.

 

[Pebbles5280]

Talk with a lawyer asap. Life is full of choices, he's a grown man and is making his own choices. Your responsibility is to your daughter and you must take care of yourself in order to take care of her. Be strong, put you and your daughter first!

 

[Livy's Mom]

Just an update, I have an appointment with the lawyer Friday morning. Thank you everyone for your support!