Advice On Dialog With Older Parent?

[Riot]

I have been really feeling stressed out answering my Dad's phone calls the last couple of weeks. Although he isn't one of the 'main' abusers in my past, his personality can be quite gruff and hard to deal with at times. He lives a ways away, so I don't really have to worry about him dropping in on me unexpectedly or anything.

One thing he's done for years is call me almost every single day. While I appreciate that he's checking in so frequently, he very rarely ever asks about me. What he wants is to know if I've 'heard anything' from his estranged daughter and her children, or if I talked to my Mom (his ex wife). He wants to hear all about everyone else, and 'get the dirt' so to speak, and then proceeds to tell me about very mundane aspects of his life.

So, I'm all okay with this. It's mostly just routine. I do get irritated from time to time, as I said, by the lack of expression in even asking how I am once in awhile, but perhaps he just figures I'll tell him if it's anything he needs to know. Anyway, that aside, if I don't pick up (my phone's off, or I'm sleeping, or busy) and miss it again a second day or third day in a row, he's very rude and abrasive about it by the fourth or fifth day and then starts griping about the entire family being dysfunctional (preaching to the choir there) and blahblahblah. It's just noise after all these years, and really just so tired and played out.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle situations like this? I've tried to say things like: I've been busy (I do have a toddler) and whatnot, and I explain that it's not intentional or an act of avoidance. (I may be lying about that last part, but he does not know I am in therapy.)

He's pretty old, going on 78 this year. (Some things seem to be inherently generational, which is why I'm volunteering this information.)

 

[BlueOrange]

Something to consider trying: "Dad, when you talk to me like that, I feel reluctant to answer the phone." It probably won't work, but it's something to consider trying.

My dad is in his early 70s, and my therapist's consistent advice has been for me to lower my expectations. And he (the therapist) has been proven right. Things are much, much, much better with my dad than they used to be - he is a major source of lifetime stress for me, but these days, in certain situations, I'll call him when I'm feeling stressed and he'll help. I had to lower my expectations before I could be rational in dealing with him though. You've been really nice to me, and I imagine that you're really nice to him. I doubt that you're making a lot of easy-to-identify mistakes in that relationship.

 

[Riot]

@BlueOrange, thanks for the thoughts. I think you (and your therapist) are probably right. I have sort of taken this idea and made it my own over the years, but due to all of the dysfunction in the family, I think I might just be having whiplash. It can be hard not to project onto others, and I don't think I ever really realized how powerful and intricate that was in itself, either. At the very least, I hope I'm learning some better coping strategies for the future, so I can put to bed this ugly chain of abuse.

Gruffness and aggravations aside, my Dad and I are actually much closer than most of the people in my family, so I am grateful for that. I just need to put some respectful boundaries down for him, I think. Since I'm the youngest, I think he's having a bit of 'empty nest' syndrome being that in the last couple years I settled down and had kids and stuff, you know? :)

 

[Lucycat]

I hae caller display and only answer my mother's calls when it suits me. She does not call as often as your Dad but none the less I have made it clear all conversations are on MY terms. I have another family member who had got to a daily call, and I have done similar with him. I now speak with him about once a week and with my mother about once a month.

 

[Riot]

@Lucycat, I've been doing that much more the last few years. I guess this last time just struck a nerve with me.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I don't know whether to commend you or express sympathies for your ability to field daily calls, so I guess I just wanted to say that is really something. I would not be able (or willing) to tolerate that from anyone.

 

[ghotiff]

I read in a people skills self help book once the below, I thought it might give you an alternative approach.

If you see someone you don't like on the street but you have to talk to them then this is what you do. Walk fast towards them, body language excited to see them, the first sentences should then be as if you really want to talk to them. Then make your excuse and for the first 5 steps, walk away slowly (as if you can't stand to leave them).

It struck me as it's the opposite of my normal approach and I've since seen it work. Maybe you could try a version on days you answer but want to keep the call short.

 

[RussH]

Dealing with elderly parents can be hard; especially when they are abusive or launch into diatribes about other family members. I don't know if it will help, but perhaps you can tell him that you will not listen to him talk negatively about other family members. I would tell him if he insist on doing that, then you are simply going to set the phone down and let him vent into the air.

 

[Friday]

he very rarely ever asks about me.

Have you tried simply telling him about you? For some people, prying isn't in their nature. The figure if the other person wants them to know it, they'll tell them.