Afraid Of A Dead Guy

[Becky_From_Canada]

I'm new to this forum, so I'm still kind of finding my feet here.

I feel sick with anxiety all the time, and I'm wondering how others cope with it. I do deep breathing as recommended by my therapist, and it helps for a short time. We've tried visualization, but that didn't work out because no matter what I'm trying to visualize, I always end up imagining myself drowning in the ocean. I'm a distance runner, and frankly I think I'd go completely insane if it wasn't for that. But there are only so many miles I can run in a day.

The person I am most afraid of is dead. He's been dead for a long time. The logical part of me KNOWS that. But there's another part of me that doesn't really believe it. I wasn't with him when he died, and I didn't see his dead body. I wasn't at the funeral, but I did go to the grave after he was buried.

What if it wasn't him in that grave? What it was just a mound of earth that someone put there? What if he's really alive, and somewhere out there, looking for me? What if he finds me?

This anxiety and paranoia is exhausting.

Becky

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am so sad that you are experiencing this.

Do you have a qualified therapist? I think that this is something that could be helped in therapy. I can see that you have not had any closure.

But you have a very serious problem and it is such a shame that you are suffering so. I wish you well.

 

[Loner]

We give our abusers rather supernatural powers don't we? We view them as impossibly strong when in fact they were very weak, albeit powerful. I'm not sure I have any solutions, but I can validate what you're feeling and say its normal, and you're not alone. Many here can relate to that.

I might suggest taking some classes to learn the ability to defend yourself? Might not help but then again it might.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum.

I struggle with anxiety, and I sympathise with you. It's incredibly horrible. I can imagine thinking the kind of thoughts you're describing. My experience is that working on the anxiety in general is the best way to tackle individual "paranoid" thoughts that keep coming up.

Visualisation does help me. At the same time, I understand how anxiety takes over. I'm a bit concerned at you saying that no matter what you visualise you imagine yourself drowning in the ocean. Do you think you're dissociating when you visualise? To drift or slip into such a negative scenario suggests to me that you are finding it hard to keep focus, is that right? I had a terrible problem visualising at first, for different reasons. I had to say the positive visualisation aloud, write it down, draw it, anything to keep my focus on it.

The bad news is that mindfulness and visualisation can be very hard. The good news is that they can transform things. So I would encourage you to explore ways to get past this issue.

I don't know how you feel about this, but I'm in favour of medication as an occasional and temporary help. I'm not usually very positive about medication, but I've found that beta blockers (or diazepam, but need to go very, very carefully with that) on a really bad day can help me get through and start using more positive alternatives like deep breathing.

By the way, are you doing the breathing for at least 20 minutes? I was told that timing it and doing at least 20 minutes is really important, and I've found this to be true.

 

[Becky_From_Canada]

Thank you all for your responses.

Gizmo: yes, I have a qualified therapist who I see once a week. But, probably like most people with PTSD, I have big trust issues. I have been seeing my therapist for over two years, and it's only in recent weeks that I have really been able to start talking about the bad stuff.

Loner: your message means so much. There are times when I feel alone and just - you know, out of place. To know that others go through this makes me feel just awful for them, but it helps me feel like I'm not so weird, you know? I do like the idea of self-defense classes. Karate classes are offered where I work - maybe I should look into that.

Hashi: dissociation is a possibility. During one particularly traumatic incident, I started thinking about drowning, and I discovered that if I imagined it hard enough, I could mentally escape from what was happening to me. Since that day, it's just where my mind automatically goes when I'm under extreme stress. It's sometimes a little scary how easily I can fall into that imagery. And it's why I avoid going on vacations near oceans. I didn't know that about doing the breathing for 20 minutes. I will try it.

Becky

 

[Hashi]

If you're dissociating when you try to visualise, that means you're not feeling safe. I didn't feel safe when I first started trying to let my mind calm down. In fact I wasn't safe to do that. I was too vulnerable to terrifying memories, thoughts and feelings coming up if I wasn't keeping my mind busy with other things - stopping all the busy and anxious thoughts might sound like the best thing to do but it was actually too risky for me. Because of this, initially all I visualised for was safety and protection. It really helped me to do that.

I hope you can find ways through this, I know how hard it is.

 

[isaley]

Becky, I can empathize with your struggles.

My Nemesis, the most lethal of them at least, is not yet dead and I am soothing myself with the thought that the threat I still feel will seize once he is dead. It is almost as if I am stuck in time, in the exact moment when he chose not to pull the trigger (quite literally), and what I need to feel safe is to return to that moment and see him dead. Not that I imagine killing him, just that I know I'd be just as haunted by his threats whether he is alive or dead if I don't see him deceased.

I realize my words cannot offer much of a relief, but know you are not alone. I, too, run in my sparetime! It is great for reducing stress and, in my opinion, one of the best self-defense skills one can have!

As far as regular self-defense classes are concerned I am sceptical as for their effectiveness to reduce fear. I can only talk out of personal experience, as I have taken a lot of classes in martial arts and kickboxing. The classes can certainly raise your self-esteem, as much as any learning of a new skill can. But personally I was very triggered by the situation where people in effect train a lethal weapon. Perhaps it sounds a bit exaggerated, but adrenaline is never far away in a dojo or a boxing ring... and it is a powerful trigger at least for me.

I learned to live with it and turned the dissociation into working even harder, which is very unwise as it easily clouds the judgement and the result is injury and hurt. What finally made me quit the classes was the realization that I can never defend myself against a gun. As a pistol was my Nemesis' weapon of choice, I could kick and hit until the cows came home but he still had the upper hand. I believe I can never lull myself into thinking I am invincible.

I am sorry if this sounds all too negative and discouraging, but I believe more needs to be said concerning self-defense classes. Not only can they be triggering, they also lead to a false logic that fire is fought with fire.

We can never return to our traumatic battlegrounds and have another go. In fact, is that what we really want? I believe it is only the next best thing, as anyone surely wishes the traumatic experience never happened in the first place. By this logic, self defense is the next best thing to genuine safety, and as such it can never fill the void completely.

My advice to you is to continue feeling empowered by your running, it is an underestimated method of transport and defense! Removing oneself on foot is definitely better than staying and fighting! Try a karate class or two. Perhaps other kinds of martial arts as well. But try to listen to your own signals... I didn't and could have saved myself a lot of hard work climbing out of a totally new set of triggers and dissociation.

Hopefully my words can be of some help to you, but I cannot stress enough how subjective they are as I am not trying to pass them off as general truth or scientific fact.

Kind regards,
Isaley

 

[healthbuilder]

Drinking more water may also be effective. There are several breathing exercises, alternate coping strategies, diets and physical exercises that are effective for anxiety. Some people also find relief by reducing their ingestion of stimulants(coffee, soda) and alcohol.