Afraid Of Going Down The Slippery Slope Again

[GWhizz]

Things had been somewhat improving for me lately. I was almost 3 months pregnant with my 2nd child and news of this pregnancy (although I had relative fears for the future) had led me to proactively make a shot at taking control of my life and quitting the self-harming self-berating behaviours etc.

However, I sadly began to miscarry on Saturday and yesterday I delivered it (sorry if tmi).

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I know miscarriages are so much more common than one thinks. But why me? Why do I always get the short straw dealt in life?

I want to mourn this loss in a healthy way. But I'm so afraid of what it may now bring up for me and I can't go back there. I feel more vulnerable than ever right now. And I feel like maybe this happened because I just am not good enough to parent another child with all my issues.

I can't handle work right now and the fact that everyone knew (had my work Xmas party last weekend so had to tell ppl why I wasn't drinking - thought I was safe as was almost 12wks). And I have to work all through Xmas on top of this.

I don't feel so safe anymore but I'm determined not to let it get the better of me. I know I have to give it time to grieve etc. I just feel so vulnerable and hopeless right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am so very sorry @GWhizz :( , & it's of course normal to feel as you do with such a terrible loss. :cry: . My hugs & thoughts if you accept them. :( I grieve with you.

 

[illusionist]

Such a natural emotion...my thoughts are with you. Give it time X

 

[Leigh925]

I am so sorry. It hurts so much to lose a baby. I often felt like God was punishing me. I do think it is important to allow yourself to grieve and also remember that your body is going through major hormone changes and major mood swings can be a part of that.

My therapist always tells me that I will never be able to go back to exactly where I was because I recognize so much more now than I ever did. Originally I didn't believe him and though I haven't made it through all of my recent challenges without self harming it actually isn't the same because I am more aware.

Please be gentle with yourself. Take time to rest if you can. Maybe email those you know at work so they already know before you get back and you don't have to spend your day explaining it.

Give yourself the time and permission that you need to recover!

 

[sun seeker]

(((GWhizz))) I'm so sorry. It's natural to grieve and of course you are feeling awful right now. Miscarriages happen all the time and this has nothing to do with what kind of parent you are... I know you know that but just wanted to reiterate.

I've been there. It does get better. Don't let anyone rush you.

 

[Eleanor]

I am so so sorry GWhizz... to miscarry that far along is a trauma on its own. It is so sad and physically draining. And you are not, unhappily, at all alone. My daughter has had... a lot of miscarriages. It is very discouraging and painful. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to heal. And mourn a future that is not to be. And know, that even when it feels hopeless, that there are good things still yet to be.

 

[Seagreen]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Ellabella44]

sorry to hear of your loss. be gentle on yourself.

 

[scout86]

And I feel like maybe this happened because I just am not good enough to parent another child with all my issues.

When you look around, at all the truly AWFUL people who are "allowed" to have children, I hope you can see that this has nothing to do with what happened.

From what I've heard other people say, wondering if you are, somehow, responsible is a pretty normal thing to be feeling in the situation you're in. The answer is pretty much always that you aren't. Usually, there IS no answer. Hard to take, but reality.

Take good care of yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel and accept it as ok. Don't beat yourself up, you don't deserve it.

So sorry for your loss!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@GWhizz

When mine happened, I tried to look to nature. Dogs and birds and cats, and otters. They do the best they can. We have these mind traps that they do not seem to possess. Self blame and all the mind questions do not play out as it does for humans. I miss still the possibility of that life. Take care to not self blame. Plant a garden and some seeds thrive to be vibrant plants, others do not in the same garden. Nature takes its own course always. In my thoughts. Take care.

 

[MissKB]

GWhizz - it is normal to grieve and guilt comes often with a miscarriage. But it is not your fault! A million different things can cause a miscarriage. Because of my own experience, let me just say you should feel blessed with the child you already have. When I had my miscarriage, I found out that I could never carry a child to term. Therefore, I am now 46 and never got to have a child. God has blessed you with a child. You will morn the one you lost, but maybe later if you feel you could try again.