Afraid To Be A Woman

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't want this to become a debate on what is female, feminist etc. It is an actual worry of mine.

I find that I will often neglect myself and self care. I love it when I get all ready and do my hair and makeup etc. but then I will get anxiety too. So many negative thoughts come into my head and I will doubt myself and put myself down.

All those years of neglect and abuse growing up, it's like I didn't learn the basics about being a girl. So I am learning now, mostly with magazines and YouTube ( I really need some girl friends). I spend a lot of time looking at clothing online, trying to figure out what is 'me'. And maybe some people here will tell me 'Make your own style' but that wont help becasue it doesn't really matter what I wear, it will still cause anxiety.

It often feels like I am actually afraid to be a woman, almost like I will be punished for looking nice or combing my hair. I am afraid to be in my own skin most of the time.

Does anyone have any feedback? I know this post isn't the best written. I am having some depression issues right now and this topic is hard for me to express; normally it doesn't leave the safety of my diary.

 

[Abstract]

I had extreme tendencies with this for most of my life and have only changed it with a lot of hard work. I maintain it with effort and watching for any small back slippage. Just putting lipgloss on or blowdrying my hair was a big achievement. There was always big backlash when doing anything self caring for myself or when wearing anything that was not hiding me as much as was possible.

I can now be normal ish (very understated but appropriate). I can dry my hair without going into spirals of self hatred and shame and fear.

The only way I can describe it is that it made me feel unsafe and like I would be derided and targeted. It also made me feel great shame.

 

[StarChild]

It often feels like I am actually afraid to be a woman, almost like I will be punished for looking nice or combing my hair. I am afraid to be in my own skin most of the time.

Dear Ayesha, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. May I ask you... Could it be, that deep down you fear, you will be raped again, when showing the "world" that you're a good looking, attractive woman (who actually enjoys her womanhood)?

May I offer you a gentle, comforting hug?

 

[Delirium]

I have a similar issue. I am 32 and I forget that I am a woman. I feel like I don't have a gender most of the time. It is a painful conscious effort to change my mindset and clothes shopping I still can't do without panic attacks. I don't have any words of wisdom for you on the subject, I just wanted to let you know that your not alone.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I maintain it with effort and watching for any small back slippage.

Can you tell me how you maintain it? I am struggling with that now. Do you mean that you always do A, B, and C everyday?

Could it be, that deep down you fear, you will be raped again,

Good thought SL. I don't know the answer.

who actually enjoys her womanhood

I do, I do! But you probably couldn't pay me to say that out loud. :speechless:

 

[Marf]

I struggle with this a lot also. I know my struggle is because I hate that I am a woman. A was taught that women are weak, only good for cooking, cleaning, taking care if kids, and sex. They are the victims and can't do anything about it.

I can say that it has gotten a little better because girlfriends have taken me out for manicures, pedicures, and massages. They have also taken me clothes shopping and for hair stylists. These activities have helped me enjoy that I am a woman.

However, what helped me the most is that I loved being pregnant and nursing my babies. Men don't get to do that! What an experience of bonding and love that was for me.

So, I feel that I have been cursed and blessed by being a women. Now, I am trying to honor my womanhood and take good care of myself. Unfortunately, my motivation is to help my daughter's development and sense of self esteem as a woman. I wish I was motivated by self love, but not yet.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate saying this, but in a number of ways I'm resentful that I was never really "taught" how to be a girl. Maybe it was because I hated wearing dresses and my mom threw in the towel on anything girly, I don't know. My sister was the girly one who wore the frilly dresses, and got nicer clothes, and my mom took her makeup shopping. Me, not so much.

I've had to find my own sense of style over the years. I still hate wearing dresses for the most part. Tangent-----I saw on twitter that skorts are supposedly coming back? I LOVED them back in the late 90's. Maybe it's because I could look girly but still feel protected if you know what I mean. If they really do come back in style I will probably buy 10 and live in them all summer long, lol.

It's sort of the same with makeup, although I go for a bit more natural look these days.

It's hard to "make your own style" when you have issues with being a woman or feeling feminine. I hate to say fake it til you make it, but sometimes all you can do is push through the anxiety knowing that it will ease over time. Not the best advice, but I've had those times where I've just had to force myself through the moment in order to give my anxiety less power.

 

[Echo]

Hi Ayesha, I'm beginning to see that I have been given lots of messages subtly and not so subtly by my parents about how 'dangerous' my body is. Because my father abused me and my mother blamed me and had so many hang-ups about sex herself, I think I must deep down believe that my attractiveness and femininity is powerful and wrong. I know when I get anxious about a man getting close to me, I put on weight, and the same goes for when I've been dumped. It is almost like I am trying to say keep away, can't you see I'm ugly?

The way I am trying to deal with it and fight back, is to develop a sort of schedule for myself. Based on something my herbalist gave me, I am trying to factor in all aspects of my self-care on a daily basis. To start with I will check off what I have done each day, from showering to skin brushing to moisturising my skin, as well as what I am eating. I find I want to complete the tasks then. I'm hoping that these things will then over time become automatic and as regular as brushing my teeth.

Maybe you are not quite as down on your body as me, but I hope that nurturing myself like this will start to get results and I will then be able to enjoy doing my make-up creatively, rather than just using it as a way of hiding my ugliness, and I will have more control over my body and enjoy adorning it more with clothes, etc. I even think I might go and get a consultation from a Colour-Me-Beautiful person or someone similar, when I have the money and have lost some weight, so that I can learn how to do my make-up all over again and learn what suits me. I am trying slowly to alter my choices to be more feminine, whatever that means.

I think it is hard enough being a woman in our appearance-obsessed society without having to deal with what we have had to deal with, but maybe we can reclaim ourselves gradually step-by-step, rather than forcing ourselves to do it all in one go and expecting not to get scared. I hope you find a good way for you.

 

[Abstract]

It's hard to "make your own style" when you have issues with being a woman.... I hate to say fake it til you make it,

I totally agree.

how 'dangerous' my body is.

This is a big part of it for me.

I might go and get a consultation

I did this when I decided to take things in hand. I actually went to an image consultant although the idea of anyone knowing still fills me with shame. My sense of myself was so distorted I needed a reality check from the outside. I needed to stop wearing coats that were 10 sizes too big (literally) and dare to look like a cared about myself. Doing this gave me a barometer of what normal was so that I could more accurately gauge what I was doing. It involved reflecting my personality too and expressing that in my dress.

Doing so literally triggered me at times and other than that made me feel terribly hypervigilent. I also describe it as the equivalent of putting lipstick on something under your shoe. It felt incongruent and laughable and that people would deride me (this shameful thing) for trying to look nice. The latter is probably mostly about the way my father and mother treated me all my life.

Can you tell me how you maintain it?

I think it is more a headspace thing for me. It's the paper-bag over the head feeling that I watch out for. If I feel it I force myself to re-evaluate what I am doing with myself grooming wise. Initially I had to just do it every day though. No ifs or buts. Clothes that fit and match and basically groomed hair and face.

On weekends I still don't wear make-up and wear scruffy clothes if I am not going out. All my clothes are the right size for me though and if I go out the flat I make sure I look civilised, have decent hair, clothes that match and the dark circles are at least hidden. It is standard for me to do that and have mascara and natural lipstick.

I had to process a lot of fear about others attacking me and a lot of shame about my self when I started dressing appropriately and looking after myself in these ways.

I still can't do dresses and skirts easily. I have worked my way up to wearing leggings under them to feel safer. I look very feminine naturally so I need to honour that. Feel free to ask more if that doesn't answer your question!

 

[Echo]

Ooo, @Abstract, you and I really are on the same page with this, even down to the leggings under dresses/tunics. I still can't do skirts, though if I did, it would have to be with thick tights. Cleavage is something I am trying to work on, not always to have a t-shirt underneath, but I do feel exposed and like I am flaunting myself. Winter is easier because one can wrap up. Summer though seems a torture.

Interesting though what you say about your distorted view of your body. I'm pretty sure I've got that coming to me, but I'm also pretty sure I'll be arguing with the consultant all the way!! Must try not to!

 

[ill]

I feel really ambivalent about being and appearing female. One of the things I have trouble with is my fear of failing to adequately perform femininity. It's funny because I dress in a very feminine way, but I'm often afraid to try things with makeup and hair because I'm afraid I'll look worse or people will see that I'm trying (and failing). I think this is exactly it:

It felt incongruent and laughable and that people would deride me (this shameful thing) for trying to look nice.

I'm even uncomfortable with bright/loud nailpolish. I'm a little afraid of thinking too much of myself almost. Like @Solara, I resent not being taught how to be a girl.

I also want to be found pleasing to the/my eye but I'm simultaneously really uncomfortable and frightened of that, so I feel like I'm constantly on a teeter totter trying to find some balance that makes me comfortable and almost never quite getting there. Sometimes I doll up and feel really good in my body, but then I walk by a group of men and they say something to me and I want to disappear.

Thank you for starting this thread.

 

[Abstract]

Good luck @Echo! ;-)

I did it a few years back. The other day I realised that I still feel much more done up than I am. Wearing clothes that fit, basically groomed hair and some lipgloss, mascara and my dark circles covered feels a little like I am wearing thigh high patent leather boots and blue glitter eyeshadow!