Afraid To Be A Woman

[Badger]

This is a great thread. I was wondering if this comes under the same issue or a different one? The reason I neglect self care is because I have 2 young children and I have a tendency to feel guilty. I look sort of like a floppy muppet all the time because my hair is ungroomed and hangs in front of my eyes.

There always seems to be something someone else needs and I never have time to do things like do my eyebrows, get a haircut, simple things. Alot of the clothes I own don't fit because I lost 20 pounds after ex and I split up last summer. So I look like a floppy tired muppet in clothes that are to big for it/her. I see us as women doing a lot for other people and neglecting ourselves as a result. I mean no one else is going to give me permission to take the time to do this, its probably something I should talk to my therapist about- why I don't put myself a little higher in the pecking order I have no idea. I know in the abstract that I am not ugly and when I dress up I look pretty good but I generally feel weird about it.

 

[rainy_daze]

@Badger , you spend so much time being a mum. I wonder if you would let your kids hair get out of control, or let them wear clothes that were too big or too small for them? I don't know you, but my guess is you wouldn't. I guess it's a challenge being a parent and finding time for yourself in general, but I think it's something you can try to find time for. Says she, sitting here, neglecting herself, and I don't even have kids as an excuse for not having time. I completely relate to the clothes not fitting.

If you don't mind me asking, any idea what makes you feel weird about dressing up?

Like @Ayesha kindly said

this thread has so many levels

and funnily enough we're all in different situations, but seem to have issues around the same thing. I think for myself I'm classing this as a self-image and self-esteem kind of thing. Why should any of us feel bad about looking good? And why should any of us neglect our physical selves, as if we don't matter? Just because other people may have neglected to care for us, it doesn't mean we should treat ourselves in the same way. Might be an obvious statement, but I think that needs to be said. Especially when some of us can be really good at taking care of others but not ourselves. Just a thought.

Like the women I admire who look good and are successful. I would love to be like them, so why don't I try? Ah, this thread, and all the levels :rolleyes:.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I remember a while ago you spoke about a female role model (was it the royal woman, Kate Middleton? I think that's her name - the pretty one with lots of brunette hair) and I have people who inspire me like that also.

Forgot to answer this...Yes I did. :)

I look more like a teenage girl than a woman, and trust me, I get treated by strangers as if I'm "just a teenager" (stupid ageist society) and it's infuriating.

Same here.

without a team of stylists. And a ton of make-up I'm not prepared to put on.

Agreed and me neither!

 

[rainy_daze]

@Ayesha , even though it sucks, I'm glad someone else has experienced this. I feel like I need a sign that has "Adult" written above my head. Even if I started wearing make-up, I'm not sure if I would look my age. Do you get treated more like an adult by strangers when you've dressed up / done your hair and so on?

 

[Abstract]

Do you get treated more like an adult

I do. I must say though that I don't think it's about dressing up. I think it's about wearing age appropriate and environment appropriate stuff and having a basic level of grooming.

As much as I truly hated it I eventually accepted that what I wear is a form of communication.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

a form of communication.

Wonderfully said Abstract. :)

 

[rainy_daze]

I realise saying "dressing up" makes me sound a little like a child who is playing "dress up", but I class putting make-up on, wearing high heels (they aren't comfortable to wear for a whole day) and nice clothes as being "dressed up". A pair of jeans and a top is what I wear mostly, colours that I think suit me, which I think is age appropriate for me, and obviously it's cold where I live so normally people don't see the top I'm wearing anyway because I'm wearing a jacket or a jumper. I also never leave the house without clean hair, brushed and styled hair (but no products), clean body, clean teeth, clean face, clean clothes - that is a basic level of grooming, right? I have a very young face @Abstract . I mean maybe I could wear suit trousers or something instead of jeans? But I still feel like even that is a bit flashy for someone like me. My wardrobe could do with some new items, but I can't afford that.

When I used to go to pubs I would still get asked for identification, even when I had dressed for a night out. If I dressed for a night out now, the same thing would happen. I think it will happen until I have more visible wrinkles, if I'm honest. I'm not sure if I entirely agree with you there Abstract, maybe because we're defining the whole dressing up thing differently (make-up is being dressy, in my opinion), unless the clothes I'm wearing are the problem (and I haven't realised it), and it isn't my face/lack of make-up or general body language, but I like the idea that clothing can be communication. Pity my wardrobe is probably saying the wrong things about me right now. Not sure how to fix that without money. (Edit: I've always had issues around people thinking I'm younger than I am, so ignore any of this if it's not relevant, and it isn't meant to sound snippy, hopefully it doesn't sound that way)

 

[Abstract]

Hi @rainy_daze. If it helps then what I call a basic level of grooming (and which felt and still sometimes feels like I was overdressed and bedecked in jewels, blue eye-shadow, stiletto heals and fishnet stockings) is a pair of comfortable but appropriate shoes (normally squidgy wedges), clothes that fit me properly, are the correct style for me and are the correct size, clean hair that looks groomed and is blow dried quickly, natural lipstick and dark shadows covered + mascara, colours that suit me and styles that suit me, trousers, stud earrings, a simple chain, a watch and a top.

What would make me feel I wasn't overdressed? I am not sure but it used to be hair dried whilst sleeping or tied back roughly, no make-up, clothes between 3 and 20 sizes too big and too androgynous to suit me. Many baggy layers. No jewellery. Black or grey.

Reality check is that my perception was skewed. I am still fairly under dressed but don't feel like I am. I still won't wear high heals as a they are uncomfortable, b I feel conspicuous, c is that I was telling people things about me that I didn't want to tell them, you can't run fast in them if you need to.

I don't mean people think I am older but rather that they take me more seriously. I have a friend who was promoted to good management position and the company told her they were sending her for a make over. She was not dressing in a way that was communicating something appropriate about the company. For me it isn't about being dressed up (objectively) and is rather about looking as if I care about myself and am confident (ha!).

Charity shops are a great place to look. A pair of trousers, shoes and a 3 or so tops are not expensive at all when done this way and bought step by step. Jeans are fine for certain things and only you can make these judgements. Are you different to those around you?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

it used to be hair dried whilst sleeping or tied back roughly, no make-up, clothes between 3 and 20 sizes too big and too androgynous to suit me. Many baggy layers. No jewellery. Black or grey.

That used to be me too...

you can't run fast in them if you need to.

I wish woman didn't need to think that way. :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

For me, my healthy non-sleepy outfits are: Jeans, a nice top (today a wool sweater) with an undershirt, clean underwear and bra (important for me since my clothes weren't always clean growing up). A nice pair of boots or flats, normally leather or suede. I usually put my hair back, by pinning or maybe just leaving it down. I keep my makeup simple; foundation, a bit of blush, mascara and eyeliner. Soft pink lipstick which I think looks great for my complexion. I wear eyeshadow too but it's mostly nudes, soft pinks and golds.

I have two very nice pair of slacks, in black and gray that I wear too.

It took a lot of work to 'allow' myself to do this. It took a lot of work to tell myself that no one is laughing at me either. I still get nervous about it.

 

[Abstract]

That sounds lovely@Ayesha! :) I truly understand how much work this can take and how much it can dig up. I think the only thing that kept me sane was that I had had the styling session. I had written guidelines on what sizes fit me and what was "normal" and I kept referring back to it as the anxiety was terrible. Prior to the session I wasn't even able to have a sense of what underwear was suitable.

 

[Badger]

I am an anarchist at heart I guess. I honestly do not care what is suitable. I am a stay at home mom so it's not like anyone is going to yell at me for dressing inappropriately for work. I do stick with things that are reasonably clean. I used to try to dress like everyone else to fit in but I did feel too conspicuous-like I was lying with my clothes. So now we are back to square one in the other direction- fuzzy muppet. I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe when I'm 50.