Afraid To Confront

[PreciousChild]

I think it's a pretty well known thing in psychology that when you take your anger out on someone, you benefit by becoming less stressed and by outsourcing your bad feelings to someone else. Unfortunately, that someone else suffers, and the anger gets perpetuated. I understand where it comes from, and I agree with Walker that it's a "protest" emotion that signals unmet needs, etc. And I do understand that there is an element that we can't control, but thinkers from ancient to modern times have talked about the idea that one cannot control one's initial reaction, but one can more control what they do with that feeling, and I think there is a lot of wiggle room in that. I used to be a "spirited" kid who when not kow towing to my parents would lose it at times and would throw tantrums and throw game boards across the room if I ever lost. But I am not my anger. And as a parent, I do not get angry at my special needs child who sometimes tests people's patience. I make choices and take perspective, so that I can frame things in ways that are more mindful. My child does not do things to make it hard for me even when it sometimes feels that way. I think emotional reactions are as much about how you interpret an event as it is about "feelings" and what is actually going on.

I'm not in your shoes, so I can't say that what I'm saying applies to you. But I do feel that in my experience, I "allowed" myself to get angry a lot more in the past, but I do agree with the article I read that every time you express anger, it facilitates the likelihood of it erupting again and makes it easier for me to get angry in that situation next time. One can also get addicted to the mind-altering affects of anger and other strong emotions. I think it's better to help people re-frame their view of the situation, so that they can question and perhaps avoid an emotion that to me is more destructive than productive. If we get angry because our needs were not met as children, that's tragic. But when we multiply the pain, that's more tragic, and I think there are ways to do otherwise.

 

[EveHarrington]

The best way to make me nuts and freak out?

Move my stuff.

I’m pretty damn messy but at least my guy knows to just accept this part of me.

If something gets moved, it only goes a few feet, ie cleaning off the counter means my stuff gets moved to the end of the counter.

I try to be neater, but for someone who can change up to 10 times before finding an outfit that fits right (sensititivity issue), my room can go from neat to half my closet on the floor in 15 minutes. Just an example.

I think it would be good to set up ground rules for cleanliness. ie he gets zones for clutter where you can’t clean up behind him like you’re his mom. (Being his faux mom will kill the sex drive lol.)

 

[Friday]

I am realizing that I should just let his shoes be in the hallway where he left them. (Ugh.. that was a controlling move I guess.. I feel bad that my cleaning, and need to control causes him to crawl out of his skin.

If it helps at all, I’m the exact same way with my living space (everything has a “home” and if I find something out of place I just automatically grab it and put it where it “lives”). Being a parent made it about 10,000 times worse, because I was actively teaching someone else to do the same thing. I know there are other ways of living, and they’re perfectly fine (for other people), but 75(,000) times a day putting a smile on my face and turning it into a game (as one does, make it fun & kids rock out. Such amazing helpers!) teaching my son the “right” way to do everything... had me automatically “cutting up everyone else’s food” just out of sheer habit (let’s do this the RIGHT way)... before blink blink WTF am I doing? You’re an adult! :facepalm: Oopsies. And then about half the time, I’d get pretty irate (FFS, my TWO YEAR OLD can do this, why can’t you???). Of course, the other half of the time I was just embarrassed I was cutting up someone else’s food for them. But a lot of the time I’d used up every single last drop of patience on the kids (who needed it & were learning, therefore rated it)... and an adult who “should” know better I’d lose my ever lovin’ mind with.

Living with another control freak (says the card carrying member of the control freaks club ;)) can make things... interesting. There was a lot of negotiation & real world testing before we got our groove on, so that the house was how both of us liked it, without driving the other person stark raving mad.

To pick a fairly neutral example... it was important to me that my kiddo could learn it’s okay to start something that won’t be finished in a day. So as we were cleaning up before bath time he could choose any 3 of his toys/projects/games/traps to leave out, and the rest got put away. That drove my husband nuts. So the compromise between us was that theKiddo still had to take them to his room. (Unless special permission was gotten... like a big project all over the dining room table).

So... for me... I think just as important -if not more so- than how we react in the moment & the issues that drive us... is the negotiation (what do I need/want, what do you need/want, & how can we Tetris that shit into place so we both get what we need, and hopefully both get at least some of what we want)... aaaaaaand the recognition there’s going to be friction (to point out where some fine tuning following real world testing needs to happen).

The friction isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and can even be a great thing if we look at it as learning to work together better.

 

[Never_falter2]

Hello,
Maybe I am wrong but I think you are a bit passive aggressive and micromanaging his life here. Sorry. You are telling him he needs to lay out his clothes the night before and he needs to put his shoes in the closet. Why isn’t that his choice where he puts his shoes? I mean as long as he doesn’t put his shoes in a place where people are going to stumble over them I think it is his choice and if wants to carry them on his head the whole day long or reserve an extra chair for them on the table.
Same for laying out the clothes the night before. Again I think it is his choice. Maybe he wants to see what the weather is like before picking his clothes. I do not lay out my clothes the night before. I am still typically on time and if I wasn’t it was my fault and I had to cope with it.

Yelling at you is wrong nevertheless of course. If somebody yells at me I yell right back at him. My guy actually does not yell at me.
Cursing? To me it depends. My guy sometimes curses and for me it is okay as long as his curses aren’t sacrilege. Unfortunately of his favourite curses is “dam*ed“ and I am not okay with this... for religious reasons. Told him so, told him to never use it in front of the children. Yes, I am a little special there but I think he saw my point.
He has family members who are potty mouths. Again I think it is not for me to decide which word they use but again I told them not to use certain words in front of our children and not to bark orders at them or I would kick them out of the house... I told them halfway in jest as not to hurt their feeling.. like asked them if there is the danger to confuse our house with a barrack yard, No?, then why the barrack-barrack-yard-way-of-talking... not sure if that works in English. In my native language we call it barrack yard way of talking somebody curses a lot and orders people around. That and ask them if they believe themselves to be in Prussia... but that works even less in your culture I guess. Prussia had a emperor who was a potty mouth and used the word dam*ed and other like this a lot. As a result people back then thought those words were posh... but I guess that works even less well in your culture... but maybe there is an example from your culture you can use...

When I criticize my guy I often do so a bit in jest or a bit over the top like “Oh, hubby, I am gonna kill you... you did XYZ, I am gonna freak out... grrr...“...
and with the the tone of Voice.... he sometimes barks orders at me, not like yelling, but like commanding me around... I do think he does not even notice... then I ask him to do a barrack-yard check. Barrack yard, yes/no? If no, inappropriate to boss me around. Prussia check. Living in Prussia and trying to emulate the emperor. Yes/No? If no, do not use the word dam*ed.
What I want to say with this: a lot of people to critique better if you do not make them feel bad and inappropriate.

Did you also hear about the compliment sandwich? You say something nice about him first, then the critique, than something nice again. It is actually from the world of work but also works in personal relationships.

But then maybe I have it just easy because he takes critique well. Dunno.

 

[Never_falter2]

He's military so I'm not sure if it's a PTSD thing or his training but everything has to be in its place or people could die.

I think @astridluna28‘s guy doesn’t have combat ptsd. I think she mentioned somewhere. Just for the record, do not think it matters.