FindingMyself88
MyPTSD Pro
My T says I need to find my voice, as in learn to stand up for my needs and even my wants. I am absolutely terrified of this. I know she is right, but I'm terrified! Finding my voice would mean disagreeing with others and going against them :wideeyed:! Plus I fear becoming like my mom if I find my voice.. and then I would kill myself! My mom says she use to not say what was on her mind and a therapist told her to and now she says whatever she feels without consideration to others. She has become SO selfish… which that is the borderline personality in her.
I don't like going against others, I don't like being disapproved of.
The lady that was suppose to help me train Bristol now doesn't agree with me using her as a Service Dog (she knew going into it what I planned for). She is trying to say I don't need Bristol to go everywhere with me and it's disrespectful to others. Now she has me afraid to take Bristol places here because I'm afraid of seeing her. I don't want her to be upset with me.
My dad wants me to go fishing with him tomorrow night. I already backed out last night and used Bristol's recent surgery as an excuse. My sleep is so screwed up as is and I know fishing until 4 in the morning isn't going to help. But I don't want to let him down.
My T thinks I should report my rapist even though its been 7 months. I could ask my roommate what his name was (full name), but that would mean telling her. I am afraid she won't believe me and I don't want to drag her into this. Plus I am afraid of what will happen.
My cousin wants me to spend more time with her while I am here, but I am terrified of her husband…. he makes me uncomfortable. He says things that can be taken inappropriately but yet covers it with that he just loves me like a daughter.. but I spend time with them because I don't want my cousin asking questions. Plus she never believed me about her brother molesting me, so I know she won't believe me now.
I am afraid to confide in my pastors in my hometown about my rape and suicide attempt. I don't want to disappoint them. I feel like a fake in front of that church family, and even sometimes in front of my church family where I live now.
There is SOOOO much more situations where I feel like I can't say or do what I want because it would mean disagreeing with someone else :(. My T says I have to learn to set boundaries and keep them or else, this will happen my whole life. But just thinking about it causes me severe anxiety… I was able to set a few boundaries with my mom, but it was only because I was on the edge of a breakdown….
It just seems easier to make others happy...:(
I don't like going against others, I don't like being disapproved of.
The lady that was suppose to help me train Bristol now doesn't agree with me using her as a Service Dog (she knew going into it what I planned for). She is trying to say I don't need Bristol to go everywhere with me and it's disrespectful to others. Now she has me afraid to take Bristol places here because I'm afraid of seeing her. I don't want her to be upset with me.
My dad wants me to go fishing with him tomorrow night. I already backed out last night and used Bristol's recent surgery as an excuse. My sleep is so screwed up as is and I know fishing until 4 in the morning isn't going to help. But I don't want to let him down.
My T thinks I should report my rapist even though its been 7 months. I could ask my roommate what his name was (full name), but that would mean telling her. I am afraid she won't believe me and I don't want to drag her into this. Plus I am afraid of what will happen.
My cousin wants me to spend more time with her while I am here, but I am terrified of her husband…. he makes me uncomfortable. He says things that can be taken inappropriately but yet covers it with that he just loves me like a daughter.. but I spend time with them because I don't want my cousin asking questions. Plus she never believed me about her brother molesting me, so I know she won't believe me now.
I am afraid to confide in my pastors in my hometown about my rape and suicide attempt. I don't want to disappoint them. I feel like a fake in front of that church family, and even sometimes in front of my church family where I live now.
There is SOOOO much more situations where I feel like I can't say or do what I want because it would mean disagreeing with someone else :(. My T says I have to learn to set boundaries and keep them or else, this will happen my whole life. But just thinking about it causes me severe anxiety… I was able to set a few boundaries with my mom, but it was only because I was on the edge of a breakdown….
It just seems easier to make others happy...:(