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Afraid To Find My Voice.

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FindingMyself88

MyPTSD Pro
My T says I need to find my voice, as in learn to stand up for my needs and even my wants. I am absolutely terrified of this. I know she is right, but I'm terrified! Finding my voice would mean disagreeing with others and going against them :wideeyed:! Plus I fear becoming like my mom if I find my voice.. and then I would kill myself! My mom says she use to not say what was on her mind and a therapist told her to and now she says whatever she feels without consideration to others. She has become SO selfish… which that is the borderline personality in her.

I don't like going against others, I don't like being disapproved of.

The lady that was suppose to help me train Bristol now doesn't agree with me using her as a Service Dog (she knew going into it what I planned for). She is trying to say I don't need Bristol to go everywhere with me and it's disrespectful to others. Now she has me afraid to take Bristol places here because I'm afraid of seeing her. I don't want her to be upset with me.

My dad wants me to go fishing with him tomorrow night. I already backed out last night and used Bristol's recent surgery as an excuse. My sleep is so screwed up as is and I know fishing until 4 in the morning isn't going to help. But I don't want to let him down.

My T thinks I should report my rapist even though its been 7 months. I could ask my roommate what his name was (full name), but that would mean telling her. I am afraid she won't believe me and I don't want to drag her into this. Plus I am afraid of what will happen.

My cousin wants me to spend more time with her while I am here, but I am terrified of her husband…. he makes me uncomfortable. He says things that can be taken inappropriately but yet covers it with that he just loves me like a daughter.. but I spend time with them because I don't want my cousin asking questions. Plus she never believed me about her brother molesting me, so I know she won't believe me now.

I am afraid to confide in my pastors in my hometown about my rape and suicide attempt. I don't want to disappoint them. I feel like a fake in front of that church family, and even sometimes in front of my church family where I live now.


There is SOOOO much more situations where I feel like I can't say or do what I want because it would mean disagreeing with someone else :(. My T says I have to learn to set boundaries and keep them or else, this will happen my whole life. But just thinking about it causes me severe anxiety… I was able to set a few boundaries with my mom, but it was only because I was on the edge of a breakdown….

It just seems easier to make others happy...:(
 
Before you can learn to do any of this you have to develop confidence & self worth. The root of all of your problems- not being able to stand up for yourself, not wanting to report your rapist, being afraid of being a disappointment, etc.- they're all based in low self esteem. You need to believe wholeheartedly that you deserve to be happy, & that you deserve to be heard, before you can take another step.
 
Take small, small steps and make much of them. Any action you are able to take in any of those areas, no matter how small, recognize it for the forward step it is. When the negative feelings/thoughts come remind yourself of your progress.

Don't minimize the boundaries you set with your mother. Congratulate yourself on them continually. Feel how good that felt for you to be able to do that. Take a good hard look at the benefits you got out of it and think how nice it would be to do that for yourself again.
Congratulate yourself for setting the boundary before you did have the breakdown. Good job of self-protection there.

You know why you don't want to be with your cousin and her husband. This is a good first step. Take another small step there - maybe limit the time, limit the place, find an excuse. Work towards what you want and recognize each small step.

You know you want Bristol as your service dog - this is a positive step. Keep going in the direction you want.

I'm not sure if stating what you want and need is "disagreeing" with some one else. Other people will surely let you know what they would like to do. You can understand their point of view and still have a choice as an autonomous person with your own individual needs.
 
@FindingMyself88
ohhhhh...how I recognise what you're describing. It's a totally immobilising place, isn't it? Walking on eggshells, trying so hard not to alienate people or p them off or make waves about anything.

There was a long period during my nightmare that I couldn't say no or disagree with anyone because I was so very dependent (in practical terms, not psychological initially).

What I learned is that yes, that need for approval is overwhelming but that it's not just something that's going on in your head. People really do withdraw support or find ways to punish you (usually covert) or shun you if you disagree with them, even on minor matters.

So, what you're describing of your fears of voicing your real needs and wants etc is based in the practical reality of how others behave and how they have expectations of vulnerable people (whom they're helping or somehow supporting however minimally) to be almost subservient and have no desires or needs.

I wanted to affirm your experience...and say that it's very definitely a two way dynamic. And one in which we, the most vulnerable, come off worst. Coupled with loss of self-esteem and the PTSD aftermath of trauma, it's a 'perfect storm' of annihilation of one's personhood and individuality.

There's no magic answer as far as I can see. But what helped a lot was to really see that anyone who expects you to be so cowed for a bit of their 'favour' is not worth having in your life and, just as importantly, as I look back the people I felt most timid and craven around were actually the ones who did absolutely nothing to support or help me whilst making a big deal about how much they were helping! Some of them even took advantage of me under the guise of 'helping'. I learned that we do not need all these 'families' and that they are false (I learned how callous and unhelpful my own 'church family' was for example.)

In reality, although we want to be part of a community or a range of communities, we only need 2 or 3 people who are genuinely onside and who accept us completely and genuinely understand our struggles - is your therapist one of these? (What's your immediate gut instinct to that Q?)

Alongside that insight into how others contributed (however unconsciously) to my disempowerment, I developed my gut instinct. Take time out to really get to know and listen to your inner instinct. Forget the mind-chatter, trust your instinct about everything!
 
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@open eyes thank you for replying. You are probably right, I've been told this a many of times. However it is easier said than done. I don't know how to feel good about myself. My T tells me every week something positive, but she knows how hard it is for me to believe. When your whole life you've been used, abused, neglected, and told you were wrong… it's hard to overcome that. Sorry if it sounds negative, thats just how I feel.

@seedling Thank you. You sound like my T, she always tells me of the small steps I am taking. Hopefully one day it will get easier..

@Laura 2 it is very much so crippling. My problem is I am slowly finding out who those "positive yet toxic" people are.. I have just realized over the last 8 months that my female youth pastor of like 10 years was one of them, it is devastating. I am realizing now that I stayed so active in church because of her, not God. I love(d) God, but I was afraid of what she would say if I messed up. Anytime I would start getting depressed, I would isolate myself and she would tell me that I was becoming more like my mom. She called it tough love… My T says it was verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation.

My problem with this is now I don't know who to trust. My pastors here at this church(the River) I have always loved and called them Mama G and Daddy S. But now I am afraid of disappointing them. I want SO bad to tell Mama G about everything that has happened, but I am completely afraid. Plus I don't think I can stand to get the typical christian response of just give it to God. It isn't that easy!

My 2 pastors and their wives plus another lady at my new church know about the suicide attempt, but not about the rape. They have been very supportive. But part of me wanders how long that will last.

I use to trust so easily, and now it's near impossible...
 
@FindingMyself88
Thank you for sharing these details. I hope it's ok if I make a few best-intended observations that spring to mind? (Just ignore if not!)


I don't think I can stand to get the typical christian response of just give it to God. It isn't that easy!
It's so telling that you call this the 'typical response'. It certainly is. Invariably it is a cop out.

It's so easy to sit in a prayer circle whilst the leader reels off names to pray for. It makes you feel saintly and the plus is that you don't actually have to DO anything, you don't have to get your hands dirty.

My experience is that the person you need and the person you can really trust is the one who is not afraid to turn their Christian sentiments into action, the one who is not averse to washing the feet of beggars and sharing their food with prostitutes and standing in the path of rocks hurled at a woman who's gone astray.

Yes, it's devastating to find that those whom you looked up to have feet of clay, are just ordinary people and too often even abusive under the cover of a reputable leadership job title and their carefully constructed charisma.

There are plenty of charismatic leaders in the church. They are adored and their flocks drink up their every word whilst they bask in the adoration and power. (I have a minister friend like this, she's a brilliant, gifted charismatic leader, literally hundreds of people fall at her feet. Few ever get close to her as I have and know her as a real, feet of clay, fallible woman. ) But ask them for real support and they quail, turn a blind eye or tell you uselessly to 'let go and let God' or, more callously, to pull yourself together .

...Your youth pastor sounds like this. You owe her nothing...absolutely nothing. She should be there for you, 100%. If you're afraid of her reactions then she's not worth your time let alone your sharing of your most sensitive and agonising injuries. (Sorry, it's a hard one to get your head round, but you have to take her off the pedestal she encouraged you and everyone else to put her on, asap.)


You seem drawn to Mama G - she's been very supportive so far but does she pass the 'doing' test?! And if she's a genuine Christian, she could never, ever be disappointed in you - was our Lord disappointed with the vulnerable, the disabled and sick, the abused and the poor....? Who was He disappointed with??

If Mama G's truly compassionate she would admire and encourage your struggles towards healing and straight away offer her hand in support. You won't really know unless you ask to speak with her about the traumatic circumstances which lead to your suicide attempt. Pastors are trained to be counsellors in a general sense, she should at least have some grounding in listening appropriately.

Yes, when you've had so many betrayals and injuries it's well-nigh impossible to trust anyone. First trust yourself, trust your instincts - who do you feel most comfortable with? - and be as brave as you can... :)

Edit: :wacky::facepalm: Sorry, just read that last bit again...how utterly ridiculous that sounds, me exhorting you to be brave when I also cower in corners, under the duvet, even behind the sofa on occasion when I get freaked out and scared...Tch@me)
 
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You seem drawn to Mama G - she's been very supportive so far but does she pass the 'doing' test?! And if she's a genuine Christian, she could never, ever be disappointed in you

In the past, yes she has done for me and been there. But in the last year, I feel like we are drawing further apart. At first I thought it was me, but now it seems like she cares less too. We use to be so close that it was like she could sense when something was wrong…. I thought it was just that I didn't want to disappoint them, but today has shown me that maybe I am afraid she doesn't want to be as close anymore…

Use to when I came home for a visit she and Daddy S would MAKE time to spend time with me, no matter how busy they were. Even if it was just me hanging out with them at their house after church…honestly I loved those times the best. It was like we were really family. She also use to text me often when I wasn't visiting to check on me… I never get that anymore. I'm lucky if I get a decent response if I text her.

Today for instance. I have been home for 2 weeks now. She said the first week we would get together some time, two weeks now it hasn't happened. Today I told her I would probably be heading back to my new home this week or next. I had to ask for a chance to see them, and she said she would see if they could… I know they are busy, but like I said in the past they ALWAYS made time. Sometimes I would even go run errands with them, just to see them. I also know that in the past, she would have heard the desperation in my voice to spend time with them, today she didn't seem too.

I literally started crying when I got in my car. She use to be the person I told everything, and now I'm afraid I won't be able to even if they make time for me. I want and need the motherly affection she use to give me. Now if feels like I am no different to them than anyone else.

When I say we use to be close, I mean close! I would stay at their house whenever things were bad at home. One time Mama G even had to call the cops to get me out of my house… I would stay at their house when they were out of town and dog sit. Daddy S is the ONLY man I have ever truly trusted. She taught me how to cook and so much more. They are the ones who gave me the hope that family could be a good thing and that maybe one day I wanted my own.

I know my T would want me to talk to Mama G about this, but that goes back to finding my voice…. plus I am honestly afraid of what she would say and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I just want ONE person whom I can trust completely that won't give up on me or change how they feel about me. :'(
 
@FindingMyself88 - I can see now why you feel that Mama G would be the one to talk with but a thought occurred to me as I read your post: is she well? Is there something happening in her life which is making her distance herself? We often feel that it's us, must be something wrong with me, something I've done...but most of the time when people go 'off' and you can't understand why it's because of something in their lives or something they don't want to burden you with.

Do you think you could give her a call and ask her how she is because you felt that something might be troubling her? Or say that you missed spending time with her and wondered if there's anything you did that upset her...that'll give her a chance to open up if she wants.

On the other hand, she may just be thinking that you're better now and moved away and on the right track so you don't need her any more. Who knows? ...until you ask ;)
 
I can so relate to what you are going through and experiencing but with hard work and practice I began to grow into the real me. So do not give up on hope there are really good and decent people out there in the world.

You do not sound ready to do the hard work of changing what you can about yourself and I hope you get the courage to begin again.
 
@Laura 2 I honestly just don't know. Normally she is very up front with me. It seems like ever since I admitted my lack of faith to her back around Christmas (after my rape) she has distanced herself….

@gizmo thank you…

Something just happened a few minutes ago where I tried to speak up and now I am in full blown panic attack. My chest hurts so bad I can't hardly breath, I'm shaking and trying not to dissociate!

My mom called wanting me to ask my grandmother for MORE money for her and to pick up something to bring to her tomorrow. Well the store doesn't open until after I planned to leave and now she is mad because I don't want to wait. I told her she should have let me known about it earlier. She hung up on me and that has me badly triggered…. :(

Shoot!!! I have left Bristol outside for over an hour through all of this…thats how out of it I am
 
@Laura 2 you're right, I'm just so afraid of her response…

It has let up this morning. Yesterday was the first time since having Bristol that I've had to take the maximum dose of my anxiety medication. Actually this week is the first week I've had to take any since having her. I took it last night and just laid in bed, cuddled up against her. It would have undoubtedly been worse if I didn't have her.
 
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