Afraid To Have Family/children One Day

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Maxwell,

You ask some powerful questions and I cannot offer any advice - it's way too personal.

For myself, I never wanted children, never wanted to pass on the sick "genes" that rampage through my family on both sides. The violence, the alcoholism, the mental illness that poured on to me as a child and coloured every moment of my life.

In my 20's & 30's I watched people I knew having children and it repulsed me. The very thought of being pregnant made me feel ill and when they tried to make me touch their swollen bellies - eeweeeeeeeee :sick: heart started racing and I need to leave the room. The thought of having something growing inside me is grotesque.

I used to have recurring nightmares about being pregnant, giving birth and leaving the baby in the pub/supermarket/street.

I got sterilized at 32, having met my now husband. He didn't want children and we had that conversation up front as it would have been a deal breaker for me. We have never regreted our decision, our lives are full and fulfilled.

So each to their own. I know society puts pressures on us to conform to "norms", I have lived with the questions and comments, and loosing friendships when the only topic of conversation was "babies".

I have a chum who did succumb to the pressure and is deeply unhappy, she hates being a mother and finds it hard to relate to her son. He will be in therapy for a long time to get past his frozen mother.

 

[Maxwell]

Wow. These answers really are helpful. I'm glad to see that there are people who really have made the conscious decision to not have children. It makes me feel less alone in these questions. Often, people will say, "Wait until you're healthier." People seem to make it out like one of the reasons to get well is to have children. It also seems like people think a life is unfulfilled without ever having children.

In a strange way, I don't like children. I am reminded of my childhood whenever I am around children. I feel extremely uncomfortable. Ironically, small children seem to gravitate toward me. It's funny--at a party, the few kids always come to me.

How have you made your life feel fulfilling without children?

 

[my3sons]

With the abuse I endured for much of my life, I often wonder if it would be immoral to have a family or children.

You will be a great Dad! You will be very over protective like me, I am to the extreme but I do not care! You will not abuse because you are here in such worry. That means you know it's wrong :) Put your mind at rest, you will be a great Dad xox

<Edited quote and basic grammar.>

 

[Maxwell]

And the one thing I don't understand--small children like me. I guess it's because I pay attention to them. I also remember one very precocious 5-year old girl that reminded me of myself. She was displaying similar OCD tendencies about picking out a pair of shoes. I was able to talk to her in a way that eased her worries about the decision and choose a pair that made her brother gasp. Unfortunately, that brother (who was my borderline mother's substitute for me whom she forced me to be friends with in a bizarre friendship by proxy) was a complete sociopath. I truly feel sorry for her.

Anyway, my point is that I do seem good with children, children like me, but I'm scared to be around them.

 

[my3sons]

Maxwell I have 3 sons whom I love and have protected like you would not believe.

I will tell you something about me, I was blessed with boys (God knew). When my niece was born I felt like a child molester when changing her nappies I would have panic attacks. My brothers partner made me keep doing it until the fear was gone! It took a while but it worked :).

You know they take our innocence hence we have these feelings. It's not our fault! I know in my heart you will be a good Dad :) Honestly you would not be asking this question if you were a threat :) Please don't panic, just imagine yourself being a Dad and a great one. A safe one because that is who you will be. xoxoxoxox

 

[Pale Warrior]

Maxwell,

Odd as it may sound, bearing in mind my previous post, I am a complete child magnet. I am a qualified nursery nurse, have a degree in childhood, culture and education, am doing a masters in education, and work with a heap of challenging children. Go figure.

Every one I know says what a great parent I would have made, how gifted I am with troubled little ones, but you know what? It's all down to our individual choice, our personal decision.

And of course there is the teeny issue of finding the right person to have them with, more choices. The idea of dragging children through the divorce courts is an anathema to me. Abuse is not just what we read in the papers.

If I can offer some advice: be kind to yourself, take your time and try not to get too hung up about it, use the time to grow and develop your self parenting skills and build a solid base in life. Then if you do find the right person you may be in a good place to go ahead.

Fulfilment? That's a big question too. Hmm, living my dreams not dreaming my life (kind of cliche), travel, writing, study, helping troubled kids... the list is long. But again, it's mine. I had to get a lot of healing done before it became apparent, and then it just flowed.

Wishing you love and luck, x

 

[Maxwell]

That's something interesting I've noticed. I certainly had my fair share of therapists, learning specialists, etc through the school system. The vast majority of those who made it their career to help children with special needs didn't have children of their own.

 

[Anna]

Maxwell. It does get better. It never goes away, but with time you can learn how to cope and control your feelings. There are hard days. I am so grateful for my beautiful children. If I did not have them I would be lost. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. There is a right time for everything, for me I had learned to cope before I had my family. This is the best time.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Interesting point Maxwell,

I didn't realise it untill I had enrolled in my degree course, age 44, but I was searching to find out what a "normal" childhood looked like, to understand the horrors I had lived through in a wider context. I had been working with a truly great psychologist for about a year and the therapuetic process was well established when I applied. I now know the two were linked.

Also, my work with extremely troubled little ones is me providing some of what I never had, what I wished and longed for. I had huge academic potential as a child but the emotional chaos of my upbringing made it imposible to fulfill. Our school system excludes those who challenge it, who can't sit still and listen.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I am just barely beginning my healing Maxwell and I am raising my niece and nephew as my own. I can tell you right now that making a conscious effort to be a good parent makes all the difference. Deciding and focusing upon not yelling, deciding to think before speaking, before disciplining ask if someone you respect would do the same...all these things make a huge impact not only on your children but you as well. I've found that developing my own parenting style free of what my parents did or didn't do has enabled a little bit of healing on it's own. Yes there is the risk of passing the cycle on, but if you're prepared to be aware of it and fight it, there is no reason you can't raise children in a safe family environment. I can see myself getting to where I want to be with my children, so I know it's possible.

 

[ProudWife99]

Hi Maxwell,


In my 20's & 30's I watched people I knew having children and it repulsed me. The very thought of being pregnant made me feel ill and when they tried to make me touch their swollen bellies - eeweeeeeeeee :sick: heart started racing and I need to leave the room. The thought of having something growing inside me is grotesque.

Did you sneak into my brain to find this? This is EXACTLY how I feel and everyone around me thinks I am crazy. 90% of my friends are reproducing right now and are upset that I don't go to their baby showers. I send gifts and pleasant cards, but I cannot do the baby thing. I cannot talk about the pregnancy thing. The whole thing is way too overwhelming for me.

THis is why I love this forum. I am not ALONE! :D

Maxwell - I wish I had an answer to your question. My mom told me she was terrified that she would mess up and her children would need therapy. My parents were wonderful, and I still need therapy. I guess what I'm saying is there are a lot of things we, as humans, cannot control. I think as you heal so will the parts of you that are capable of love for others and so on. If they don't, there isn't anything "wrong" with you. I wish MOST parents would ask themselves if they'd be good parents prior to actually becoming parents.

((((hugs))))

 

[stuff]

Man, can I ever relate to this. I have friends who hound me about what a great mom I would supposedly make and it just makes me want to burst into tears. I love little kids with all my heart, but I know that my threshold for taking on stress is low. I sometimes see little kids and have to leave because it makes me feel so empty thinking back to my childhood that I can't bear it. Part of me would one day love to have a little one, but then I worry so deeply that some scary little switch in my head will flick and I will turn into the terror that was my mother. I also can't ever imagine having a partner who would actually be supportive and I live in fear that I would be left to care for a tiny human all by myself when I feel like I can barely care for myself on a day to day basis. I know that I am capable of being deeply caring and nurturing, but I feel like the world would probably be better if I just stayed away from the whole thing.