Again With The Inner Child

[Panda Bear]

I get it. When my therapist has mentioned that I need to give that little girl comfort, I want to crawl under a table

I'm deeply sorry here.....this! This...something is making sense....

Can I ask a question?

Is this why my T tells me it's okay to lay on the floor or elsewhere? I have a part of me from when was younger, causes me great agony and pain. As a little girl I would lay in the floor in our house where my dad shot himself. I keep talking about it and how I hate that I did that, but yet I yearn and wish to lay on that spot, even though I'm an adult. All I want to do is go home and lay in that spot...When we talk about that part of the trauma, he tells me that it's okay to do now. I'm safe in his office and if I need to lay there to help, I can. Anything to process the pain....

We had another incident this week....he assured me it was okay to curl into a ball, after I expressed that's what I felt like when I was little and was being sexually abused.....

I'm so sorry for butting in....but it all makes sense...I think

 

[watundah]

You aren't butting in. It is a fascinating process, the way that "different ages live in memory" (that is one phrase I read this week that helped me come to terms with this whole concept.) These various viewpoints are helping me learn and it's why we're all here, so Im glad it may help you, as well. It sounds like you have some frozen "parts", too.

I did a few online inner child spoken word meditations that I found on youtube and followed up with the non dominant hand exercise. Wow. Just wow. I got a sting of notes from my 4 year old self in response to some basic questions. This is so truly fascinating. I am confident that the meditations helped to put me in a more open space. I am just glad that I have opened the door to communication.

 

[Panda Bear]

This is all so confusing! I've never put much thought into "parts". Though T does refer to me being "little" or being little in certain areas when I lash out him in response to certain subjects.

He'll remind me that I'm not little any more....

T does tell that I can curl up or whatever action that is "little". But I have to learn how to come out of it and not need that action or thought/desire any more.

I'll have to do some reading on frozen parts or parts.

 

[ladee]

@watundah, I am so happy reading your post about connecting with the child, the frozen part, what ever you are comfortable with. From your first post to now has been amazing so hopeful for so many...And true to your own word, you stopped resisting... trusting yourself... this is just awesome.... you are not alone... and so very very proud of you !!!!

@Panda Bear, this is a great thread and discussion and seems to have opened some doors, if even a tiny bit... am very excited you are exploring the possibilities.... I wish you lots of peace and healing on your journey, for you and @watundah both !!!!

 

[Rumors]

@Panda Bear
For me, when I felt scared as a kid, I would crawl into the corner of my room under a desk and sleep. I don't know if I felt safe there like maybe no one could find me but it sticks with me even today. Whenever I feel scared or out of it, I want to find a desk to hide under!!! Lol. I don't do that and I fight away the urge by telling myself I am an adult but it is oddly the first thing that pops into my mind. Crazy how that works, huh? I have to work incredibly hard to stay present when I get to that type of fear or anxiety. It is really hard not to regress back into a four year old. I equally struggle with verbal skills when I get there. It is like my vocabulary disappears and I can't communicate what so ever. I don't like it at all. Wish I knew how to resolve that better.

 

[Panda Bear]

I did or tried that is, some reading about parts.....got a little freaked out, felt about and inch tall and decided it wasn't a good idea.

@Rumors I totally get it! The only way I know how to resolve it, is to work through that stage of grief and trauma from that age perspective. Which means T says its okay to curl up and hide, or lay on the floor. Or let me bolt from the office(which I do on occasion). The only thing that he struggles with letting me do, is plugging my ears.

When we're really stuck in the past and I'm little, I want to plug my ears. T lets me plug one ear....

@watundah thank you for posting this!

 

[watundah]

@Panda Bear, I think "parts" theory is different than inner child work, but we used the term here to differentiate a way of looking at it but I could be wrong. Sorry, that's probably more confusing.

And you're welcome.

I believe John Bradshaw was one of the early champions of inner child work if you can stand listening to him. ;)

 

[watundah]

I did a second writing exercise today and am a bit unsettled by it all. I was so skeptical before but now I am quite sure that it's a genuine interaction with a younger part of my memory banks. (I laughed about "I told my mom that you talked to me. Call my mom and tell her what you want.") There is a lot of fear about mother being mad at her in her writing and I learned that I was afraid of being alone and my brother coming to hurt me. I wasn't expecting to see all of this while at the same time she is very happy that she's not alone any more.

Now I am a tad overwhelmed by all of her sharing of the fear and bad experiences. I realize that learning more about the sources of pain may be a good thing but it's quite a bit to digest all at once. I can't wait for my next therapy session. Oy!

 

[barefoot]

This has been an interesting thread to read.

@watundah Well done for pushing through your scepticism and keeping at it. I think it's very determined and really courageous of you. Glad that some things are coming up for you. I haven't done this kind of work myself but imagine it could be a pretty intense, unsettling experience. I'm sure you'll get so much out of your next session.

 

[watundah]

Thank you. They don't call me tenacious for nothin'! Holding on to my hat, this ride is getting bumpy.

 

[ladee]

You may be amazed at yourself how much compassion, love and nurturing you have for your little self !!!! Bumpy ride indeed !!!! So happy things are happening for you. I know for me, there was a lot of healing done with this..... so onward @watundah, onward !!!:rolleyes:

 

[mamachick]

I am not sure if this even belongs here or connects. I have done inner child work many years ago, and found healing through this.

Many things have happened since, and I have allowed myself to become dependent on a person who only gives crumbs. He has held much control over my life for over a decade during which time trauma has occurred. I have a tbi which has made me much more impulsive, where I use to always take little risks. I have to ask for get $10 of gas, for food, for medication and essentials, for a dr. co pay. I refused to do so for many yrs and did everything I could to not have to ask, garage sale, selling unneeded things, sometimes needed things, etc. I got to the point of severe illness, and succombed to his request of my asking for every little thing. I cant go to lunch with a friend without asking for money, so I have isolated.

I have been coerced into doing things I dont like, thus, disliking myself more, going against what I believe in to survive, etc. He will eventually give the gas or food, but put off, forget, say I didnt tell him, his job interfered, many excuses.

While doing this, I feel like that incapable child, begging when reminding him, vulnerable at first, gone through phases, and now rebellious. I see how he withholds emotionally , financially, etc.I have began to act like a child in some ways.

Ironically, I seem to be blocked from reaching the real "child". I dont understand myself. Before an assault, I rarely had sex when I didnt want, and then I knew I could move to a space that I would want to in a healthy relationship. After an assault that was ligitimized, I try to never be alone with a man as I dont have the power/capacity to say NO and stick with it when pressed. Except for this controller who I feel like a puppet to. I can say no and do. I avoid, have no desire (with anyone) or him, but he would have to kill me to touch me.

He is also passive aggressive, and I know I have resentment toward him for putting me in such a situation after I have been loyal to him for so many yrs, and carried the guilt for abandoning him. After all this, he is the one who gives me a few bucks, eventually, if he doesnt forget.

Last March, when he knew he had me in a corner, he knocked me down the stairs and said crude things. He denies this full and its almost believable that he has it blocked, except he refuses polygraph, which would confirm for my, blatant lie or blocking. Gut says-Big Liar..

He also lies often, even in the face of truth.I keep seeking validation from him, knowing I will never get it because he is passive aggressive. I have cine ti feel like a bratty child, but cant reach the child within and dont get it. I think the brat might be a defense from feeling vulnerable.

When I did inner child work before, I viewed the child as innocent, scared, sad, sweet, but not a brat. It is as if I have split child after all these years and I have a BAD inner child. I am never right about anything. They more I give, the less I get, so I give nothing-brat child. If I get a few bucks, I have become irresponsible-like and irresponsible child. I might buy food impulsively after a life of responsible budgetting, or gamble it in the coffee shop, or give some to my daughter who struggles. I am treated like a child daily. Often there is no food in the house and I have to wait until 7 pm when he comes home and tells me what we are eating. He eats big meal at work.I lost almost 40 pounds in the nearly 2 yrs of relying on him and he has gained 40. at least. Friends, him, drs, family, encourage me to eat and gain, but I know that there might be food for a week and then none the next week, and after awhile, you no longer are hungry (which is where I have landed) and digestion not working.

A part of me is waiting to be rescued by someone who see's what is happening. Intelectually knowing that is unlikely, but trying to think of ways to empower my position.

Can you work on inner child when under extreme duress, when feeling powerless, and like a neglected child? Maybe it is just hard to comfort a rebellious brat child???

I would grately appreciate any feedback.

Thanks.