Alcoholism

[Deleted member 34561]

Hi all I'm on day 3 on the sober train again. This time I really want to stay sober. I started drinking aged 12 to cope with and survive being raped and molested by my older brother and his mates and half the male population of the suburb of London I grew up in and where I still am at the age of 48. I have tried getting sober before now with much success. But now it's an absolute necessity because of what it's doing to my health both mentally and physically. I tried AA but there are too many judges pervey blokes and bitchy women who attend my local meetings so that's not for me. Besides I'm not comfortable with handing over responsibility for recovering from this disease to a 'God of my understanding' or a 'Higher Power' because I believe the only entity responsible for get me hammered in the first place was yours truly therefore the only entity who can stop me drinking is me myself and I. I don't doubt there's a lot of wisdom to be found in the rooms of AA but let's face it it ain't therapy and that's what I really need. But I won't get that if I don't stay sober for at least 6 months. I'm currently seeing a key worker at the local drug and alcohol clinic fortnightly and with their help have managed to keep me kick cannabis into touch following a 23 year addiction to it and I've been clean for over two months now. So my reasoning is if I can get off that shit and stay off it then surely I can achieve the same thing with the sauce. I'm looking to start attending real life support groups for both addictions soon a Detox group a Foundations for Change group and a Domestic Violence group too having suffered as well as dishing out DV all my life (another addiction?) but I have to wait for my meds for depression and anxiety to start working properly and my fear and worry to abate first before I even attempt to do that. I can't even get out of my front door at the moment some days my fear is so bad right now. So I was wondering if there is anyone else here who's also an alcoholic suffering from PTSD who could offer some wise words of advice and non judgemental support. I realise you don't get many people who admit to being abusive in their own right on here because most abusers are too ashamed to confess to it even to themselves. But frankly I've gone way past the point of being ashamed because I know it's a problem I ACCEPT it's a problem and I want to CHANGE that problem and never hurt any else ever again in my life. I must stress that I was never sexually abusive but I was physically and emotionally and mentally and financially and even spiritually abusive in the past because of the deep pain I myself was in over other people abusing me in my own past. This led to me acting it out on other people who really didn't deserve it. I guess I didn't know any better but I bloody well do now.

Oh well gonna leave it there and hope I don't get pilloried or judged for being honest about my issues. Perhaps I shouldn't wear my hear on my sleeve for it to get bashed about again but I used to be so dishonest both with myself and other people BECAUSE of my toxic shame and now I'm operating on a strictly 'honesty is the best policy' basis because I'm turning over a new leaf now and I want to start as I mean to carry on. You see I hated the person I had let myself become through first the abuse I suffered then the boozing and pot which lead to me being abusive myself. I literally couldn't live with myself as I was. And on Monday morning after yet another psychotic outburst directed at my poor long suffering ex partner I knew the booze was responsible. Or rather it was me responsible because I was choosing to booze. Now I'm choosing sobriety because I've put that poor man and my kids through so much. And I've been putting myself through so much too. It's got to stop.

Support and advice and constructive criticism and feedback welcome.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47

 

[Lionheart]

Hi @crazydiamond47 ,

3 days is a great start!!!

Still, I would strongly suggest both A.A. Meetings and individual therapy for PTSD in order to heal. I used to drink as a coping tool but it had negative consequences (was ruining my life), and I had to give it up. If you go to therapy and still drink, your mind won't be able to record the healing journey and you will not be able to heal.

Why not make this forum your higher power for now? or even an A.A. sponsor or a therapist, as they both are a power greater than yourself that can help you.

Honor the alcohol for getting you to this point in time and then let it go...you do not need it anymore. You have new resources now and will gather positive coping tools along the way.

It takes time, determination, and a sober mind to heal. Give yourself a chance for a better life and continue to choose sobriety.

Wishing you all the best as you move through your healing journey,
Lionheart777

 

[The Albatross]

There is a lot of stuff too at SMART Recovery, which is also a recovery site. When dealing with alcohol issues, I used both AA and Smart.

 

[mumstheword]

I think you've got major guts to open up and make the admissions that you have here.

That's what it takes to change, in my experience; the courage to face all the hurt, damaged and maligned parts of yourself that cause you to neither love or respect yourself.

To be able to be brutally honest and face it all and to start applying increasing levels of forgiveness-of-self, compassion-to-self, self awareness and understanding and last but not least acceptance and self-love.

Please give yourself a big pat on the back, figuratively speaking, for having the guts to, firstly, admit this stuff to yourself, for starting to make to changes from self-abuse to self-care and for coming on here and expressing It all, warts and all.

I've had plenty of similar battles, extreme nearly-killing myself alcoholism as a teenager, long-term pot addiction, psychosis, self and other abuse, bouts of promiscuity, losing relationship with my kids, all of which came out of my history of sexual and physical abuse, neglect and trauma, just like you, so I get it! I really do!

You will make leaps and bounds, as long as you keep doing the work, keep making the kindest choices you can for yourself and know that YOU CAN DO IT! You CAN overcome! LOVE and kindness to self is the greatest healer.

So even though you are feeling plenty of shame over your past behaviour, you can use that, to propel you on to keep changing those destructive and unloving patterns and keep moving forward, becoming your evolving, growing, recovering, wiser and kinder self.

 

[deeplyloved]

3 days is wonderful. I just celebrated one year. I fell off the wagon last fall after 19 years of sobriety. The PTSD got re-activated and I just gave up. For me, drinking is suicide. I often hide urges to self harm inside of my urges to drink. I also started drinking when I was 11 or 12. Working on forgiving myself. It’s an ongoing process. But can I tell you something? Knowing what I know now...I bless it and say thank you. Drinking kept me numb enough to stay alive. It helped me keep the horror at bay and stuff it down so deep until I was strong enough to face it. Of course, it also made me more vulnerable in the first place. I’m not advocating anyone drink to avoid feeling and healing. But I hope you can love yourself through this and know that you are worth it. Everyday is a gift. I don’t feel strong and capable but I’m still putting one foot in front of the other and you can too. AA wasn’t safe for me either. I was too vulnerable to predators. I hope you find the support you need to stay sober. I believe in you.

 

[IamFree]

AA is much better when your boundaries are stronger and your good at discerning who to avoid. I had problems at the beginning with people who were just as unwell as me assuming a sort of authority over me...I learnt that how long someone has been sober is no measure of how healthy they are. In my opinon many alcoholics don't get better because they are focused on the alcoholism but then fail to address the trauma/co-dependency issues . some AA members I have come across who have been in it for a while just come across as extremely co dependent....A term I understand as being the thoughts feelings and behaviours that is the result of trauma in early life. but there are lots safe people in it as well

 

[IamFree]

AA is much better when your boundaries are stronger and your good at discerning who to avoid. I had pro...

Just to be fair I think I was a bit of a nightmare to some members in the beginning myself.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Wow thanks everyone for all the lovely support and advice. I'm at a loss as to how to respond right I'm moved beyond words :) I will answer you all later when I do find the right words!!! Thanks all :)

 

[The Albatross]

I did online AA meetings for 6 months before I ever went to a face to face group because I was aware of the risk of association with the unwell or struggling members of the group. So by the time I did, I was familiar with all, stuck with the women and got two temporary sponsors while I scrutinized/eyeballed the rest of the ladies before I asked someone to be my sponsor. Over the years I've had 3-4, each with something assistive, though some more than others... then I became a sponsor with a sponsor and a grand-sponsor. Holy crap. Nothing like being on the flip side of that coin to teach you plenty. I haven't been "program" now for very long time, but what I learned stuck with me.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

AA wasn't my cup of tea, either. I gave it multiple goes at different times in my life, but nope, not for everyone. I never truly felt comfortable in any of the spaces I visited the meetings in. That was many years ago, so I can't speak for how they do things now, if it's any differently.

I'm another sufferer who has self-medicated through the years with copious amounts of alcohol, weed, crank, coke, shrooms, lsd, speed pills, artificial beverages/food-like substances, sugar, etc., etc., have fought like a wild banshee, been promiscuous in order to meet basic needs, stolen things - mostly food stuffs, but did snatch some cash, too, been a true asshole on many levels, and never realized I was doing it at the time from a place of such severe unhealthiness...I was convinced I was simply defending myself and others I perceived as being vulnerable and surviving the best ways I'd been taught, from having to try to survive my unhealthy and unforgiving living circumstances from youth on up, pretty much.

Grateful for the graces and kindness of others who helped me realize and recognize that I was worth and capable of so much more and that I actually deserved to be healthy and happy, even if I did make some really bad choices back in those days. I made the choices, indeed, but I was also very heavily influenced by experiences/conditioning/grooming/etc., and that shit sticks with you. I had to unlearn, re-learn, and re-experience in order to truly believe things could and would ever be any different.

My current script at the time obviously wasn't getting me anywhere except deeper in despair, so I had to totally and drastically flip all I do from the very basics...like how I breathe, how I eat, how I hydrate, how I move and how often, how I talk to myself, how I talk to others, what I fuel my thoughts with, learning more deeply about each thing I ingest and breathe in and apply to my being, re-learning how my organs work and how the systems in my body function, etc., etc. I was also reminded that there's a very good reason why the wind shield is much bigger than the rear view mirror and finally felt like I could let a lot of shit go...and had to...in order to make room for the new, more nurturing shit.

I discovered kombucha fermented tea when I was trying to kick the booze. Beer was my main weakness later in life and kombucha mimicked it nicely with its carbonation and flavor varieties, especially when served on tap. Yum! It does have a very low alcohol content since it's fermented, but it didn't trigger or make me want beer, instead, ever. Nor did I ever feel buzzed or intoxicated from it. I learned how to make my own (bot not on tap) and saved a lot of money for about a year. It's pricey in the stores. I no longer crave it or make it...but it sure helped me kick both alcohol and sodas to the curb. It also helps with gut health for some folks. Ginger remains my favorite variety as I used to love both ginger ale sodas and ginger beer.

You sound determined, focused, and very ready. I feel confident you'll find your way, wherever that way may lead, and no matter how many times you stumble, as we all do. Wishing you wellness, kindness to self, and peace of mind in your journey.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

OK I've found the words now lol :)

@Lionheart777 sorry my friend there is no way on this Earth I'm stepping back into AA meetings. Frankly mate I'm with @deeplyloved and @IamFree on this issue. There are too many sick individuals who go there for my liking and as has been stated length of sobriety is no guarantee of mental or spiritual fitness. I really don't like the rigidity or inflexibility of following 'the programme' or 'steps'. It all seems a bit cultish to me kinda like the Moonies in the 70s or the Scientologists now. They drone on about it like it's their new addiction to replace the old one. Either way it seems like a form of brainwashing to me and I've only just reclaimed my mind after being brainwashed in my family growing up so I really don't want to give my mind away again thanks very much lol. I don't have a problem with the 'Higher Power' thing as such because I know I'm not God or Buddha (the latter mentioned being my preferred spiritual beliefs and practices) but I won't take direction from another human being who is probably just as sick as me on the quiet and just pretending to be better than what they truly are. As for a therapist being my 'Higher Power' well again they are just another human being like me who just happens to have more knowledge about mental illness and addictions than me but not necessarily more authority than me. After all all human beings are equal in the eyes of God or Buddha but some human beings think they are more equal than others to paraphrase George Orwell. I will most definitely make use of this group as my HP for the time being until I get to my real life support groups at Spectrum (the local drug and alcohol clinic). In fact I will use them both in conjunction with each other as I need all the help I can get lol. I also know I need to stay sober to even get therapy let alone make the most of it when I do finally get it. So I'm highly motivated to stay sober and clean. I hope I haven't come across as spikey in my reply to you because that isn't my intention at all because I know you mean well. But I have a very strong opinion of AA born of first hand experience. And I will respect your viewpoint as I hope you will respect mine. Thanks.

@The Albatross yes I'd heard of SMART recovery before mate. An acquaintance of mine tried it with good results. I think they offer it at this place I've been going to. I most definitely will look into it. It's my understanding that it's very like CBT? Which I have done before but obviously I was still drinking and drugging at the time so it didn't really sink in back then. This was 12 years ago now. So you guys can see how long I've been trying to tackle this stuff but without much success because I wasn't doing the right thing by myself and giving myself a fighting chance till now. Also with that last lot of CBT I was court ordered to do it because I'd got myself in trouble with the law you guessed it through drinking and drugging to cope with trauma and loss. So honestly I bloody resented it and just paid lip service to doing the work and conned the facilitators into thinking I was their star pupil just to get them off my back and to get through it to make sure I didn't get sent back to court and possibly jailed. Terrible I know but I have a different attitude towards it all now. You see I Kept getting involved with the wrong people kept getting re-traumatised kept reacting in abusive ways myself kept breaking the law and back to the start again lather rinse repeat ad infinitum until I was threatened with jail 10 years ago and the thought of that was more scary than continuing to be a naughty girl lol so I knuckled down and mostly started behaving myself at that point apart from in my relationships with my ex partner and my grown up kids who frankly are more psychologically mature than me their mum which puts me to eternal shame (laughs with embarrassment). I haven't been in serious trouble ever since and I will try to make amends to my ex partner and also my kids when they come round well IF they come round. And that's a big IF with my youngest kid but I have a smidgeon of hope with my eldest so that's another thing motivating me to recover for real this time. Thanks again for your support :)

@mumstheword wow I'm really touched by your sweet reply. You're too kind really. It's good to hear that another person has gone through similar things to me and has reacted in similar ways yet is now out the other side and is not only surviving but is actually thriving. That is a huge inspiration to me mate and gives me something to aim for and a lot of hope because if you can do it then maybe so can I. Thank you for reminding me to be loving and kind to myself. I often lose sight of the need for that because of crud I feel sometimes. But feelings are not facts eh. Just because I feel crud doesn't mean I AM crud. Cheers for your support it means a lot :)

@deeplyloved I hear ya about the drinking being a form of self harm. And the means for a slow suicide. I also totally relate to you about the predators in the rooms of AA. There's actually a term for pervey blokes hitting on vulnerable female newcomers they call it '13th stepping'. Ugh no less than 3 different men hit on me in the two months I tried AA back in Feb and March earlier this year. After the 3rd one I decided to get the hell out of there and not put myself at risk of being sexually abused again. I was desperate but not THAT bloody desperate lol. Anyway you and @Lionheart777 are spot on about the booze helping me survive and numb out the pain of all the abuse I've suffered. It got me this far but it really ain't doing me any favours anymore. In fact it was killing me because let's face it it is a bloody poison when all is said and done eh. And now I'm done with it and want to find healthy ways of dealing with my PTSD and underlying trauma and losses. Thank you so much for saying you believe in me that's really sweet of you. Now I've got to learn that I can believe in me too. If I don't I won't get anywhere with this thing. Thanks for your encouragement :)


@IamFree yes you're absolutely right about some people in AA being extremely co-dependent needy and insecure. I can recognise those qualities in myself at times and it's not very attractive lol. I probably have been a bit of a looney in the rooms myself to be fair as well but I'm a firm believer that if you put a load of nutters in a room together with no qualified therapists running the show then those nutters stay nutters and can actually make each other even more nutty than they all were at the start if that were possible lol. No thanks!!!! Lol. But thanks for your support anyway much appreciated :)

I can see I've had more replies since typing this lot out but I have to nip out to the shop for milk for my tea now (at least it ain't beer now lol) so I will reply to the rest of you when I get back . I'm rather overwhelmed with the response I've had from you guys and gals tbh. I'm really truly grateful for your collective support. It means the world to me.

Back soon :)

 

[Lionheart]

I absolutely respect, (and believe I understand), your opinion of A.A. @crazydiamond47 . I left A.A. myself to focus on therapy for PTSD issues because I couldn't stay sober long without addressing past traumas. I am all for whatever works best for you and you alone will make that decision.

However you decide to go about it I wish you the best.