More Of Me
I have been contemplating writeing this Post and the many different types of response's it might generate.
Often people are worried about what every one else thinks of them, I try not to worry about others opinion of Me. Frankly the man in the glass is the one I deal with every day . I'm OK with Him / Myself.
One of my greatest fears that I some how overcame . living and being open about Aids
First I had just started my journey in sobriety . Let me tell you , it was even tougher than Army Ranger training . This journey was after yrs. of wrecking my life and every ones around me. I even had many poor, short attempts of trying to quit drinking before.
In the spring of 1987, my then wife told me, "you leave or I take Robin and leave." Not a hard choice even in the condition I was in. I Left. As contemptuous as I was I still had a slight idea of right and wrong, not that I payed much attention to my conscience thoughts by that time.
I was 34 yrs old, pretty much hated the world and almost every one in it. Most people were done with me too. I hated me and what I'd become the most. I didn't want to live with me anymore !!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not a story of woe. I want nor deserve any sympathy for what I'd become. I blame booze. This is just one more fix I got myself into and would try to get out of.
So my sister Joyce and her husband Skip said I could come there. This sister and I were the closest in age, only 2 days shy of a yr. apart. Skip was a Viet Nam veteran and we got along best out of my other brother-inlaws, even better than the oldest in my family, my real brother.
I ended up getting 9 months sober at Joyce's house.
Then one day I spoke to the wife on the phone, All of a suddden I ripped the phone off the wall, then drove to a bar and got drunk. Driving home I hit Some one else and I without any insurance, perhaps another drunk, crashed our cars together. It really was almost head on. Both of us just kept on going in the direction we were headed. I limped home and hid the car. The car was totaled. Went right back to AA and got 6 month sober.
I Moved back home. Got work and a place to live all fixed up and my wife came home. That didn't work, so I kicked her out and kept the child for a lenth of time.
I Had another fight with Mary. Her and Ray were drunk when I was suppose to drop Robin off for the weekend. Ray and I got into a fight and before it escalated I grabbed Robin and ran out of the house, driving all back roads out of town so that the cops couldn't find me.
I let Mary have a house key to the house out of common courtesy. She is Robin's mother. Many times, while Robin and I were sleeping I'd wake up to Mary jumping all over my bones. She was forcing sex upon me. I'd say No and would try and push her away but then give in and we would have sex and fall asleep. The next mornings we'd wake. Mary would get dressed and I'd ask where are you going now? Her reply would be, "back to Ray." Everytime this hapened it blew my mind and finally I went and got drunk again.
This time I stayed drunk for a few wks., even picked up my third DWI. In a short time I'd moved out of town because I lost my license and needed to be closer to work. For one wk. I rode a bicycle and nearly got myself killed so I went back to driving my car. Would get sober again, struggling harder each time. This time it would only last 4 months. Mary came over to that house. We ended up having a cookout. We got drunk and this time I would have my way with her.
One day she asked me to fix the brakes to her car. It turned into a police matter, Mary yelling, screaming and being so fckn critical. So I refused to fix her car and told her to get her own fckn mechanic. The police showed up to escort me out of town. Another night Mary called me up to tell me that Ray was in jail for drunk driving and Mary was also drunk and needed a ride. So in the middle of the night I gathered Robin up and put her in my hunk of junk car and went to pick up Mary at the police station. I'd ask her for her keys time and time again, because I knew my transmission was failing. She never found her keys so we hopped in my car with Robin asleep in the back and drove many miles on the highway when my car finally died. I woke Mary up from her drunk and she finally found her keys in her pocketbook. By this time I'm furious.
The car was parked way off the road so I wasn't very worried about their safety. I would force field march 5 exits back toward her town. I got her car, drove back and the three of us drove to my home. The next day my buddy drove me to my car and Mary drove her car home. I'd get drunk again.
All thru my drinking career I was abusing drugs also and found myself unable to take care of my own child.
I would give up custody of my own child. At this time in my life I was at my lowest. This had a devastating effect on me and I would drink + drug to oblivien day and night.
I total another car again. But, the boy I hit was driving illegal too. Though we exchanged info. he hadn't reported the accident so no charges were filed. I ended up moving back into my mothers house. Living off unemployment, I couldn't even pay Mom what little rent she wanted because I had to drink so bad. Mom was getting very upset with me!
I went back to my old boss and got one last job, really just being a demolishing man. I put a few thousand dollars together, fixed up another old Chevy Nova and told my Mom that I'm going to get sober again.
( Mon would tell me years later that she never thought see would see me alive again)
Right after my daughter's 5th birthday party I left Mass. heading toward Florida. From MA to Florida was one long drunk driving experience. Would even get a police escort out of a town in W. Virginia, because the girl I was visiting and her mother no longer wanted me there. I had told the cops I'm not driving, I'm drunk. That's why they escorted me out of town. It was really another comical situation that drunks have. As I was driving over the Appalachian trail the sun was rising, it was very cold but I had to have my windows open because my exhaust fumes were so bad. With sleeping bag wrapped around my shoulders, a beer in my hand, I was screaming at God. Not asking for anything, pretty much just telling him off .. telling God, I hate you.
By this point I was as contemptuous as a man could be. (look that word up) I stopped by my sister Joyce's house for a hot meal and a shower promising them I would not stay and put them through the hell that I put them through the last time. What I ended up doing was calling my sister's ex husband and finding out that there was plenty of work down in Naples, Florida. Again drinking and driving I made my way south.
I actually went to one job site to find work and got chased off the worksite at gunpoint. Nearly broke, I went to my first AA meeting, but my plea for help fell on empty ears at the noontime meeting, so being the good drunk I am, I spent my last money on a 12 pack of budweiser and a pack of smokes. Sucked that down and went back to the AA meeting at 5:30. At the end of that meeting I would raise my hand again to ask for help and another man from MA with my first name, asked me if I would go to a detox. In total desperation I said, I'll do Anything.
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So for the next 4 months I would do just that , anything. I was hopeless and out of my mind with greef and selfpity, filled with anger and self lothing one contenpuos litte bastard. some how even then I would start a heated romance with a beautiful little Lady. We both new this would become physical very fast . Rachel asked me , Will you get tested for HIV, My reply was sure - I don't have it!
Well that night we jumped all over each others bones with no protection. A short and passionate month later we Had to let one another go , for our staying sober out weighed our staying together .
I went a short time later and got tested for the Virus , 2 weeks of relatively no worry , I returned for the results. This man told me I had HIV , I probably had it as long as 5 yrs by then,( He remarked). Well the emotions that ran through me were also quite indescribable . I Went into shock and very deep despair . This counselor person asked me - do you think I just gave you a death sentence . (he was reading my body language very clearly) I with very dangerous eyes Said yes . The rest of our conversation was a blur. I left in a fog not knowing what to do, yet found myself talking to a good man in AA.
The point to this story is . I had no choice of what I had to do (morally or legally)I had to tell all the woman I had slept with. At this point I also contemplated killing myself. But I took that mans advise and spoke to another sober alcee who had the virus, He was a great help. I spoke and reached out to people who came to try to help me in my plight to stay sober for advice , strength and emotional support. The thing is I was so beaten by what I had made of my life as an alcoholic that the thought of drinking was not an option. I took all help offered . I spoke to all past girl friends ,my Wife and yes Rachel . She was the first I spoke to and She could see the fear and pain I was in , with courage She stood there and heard me through . I watched fear and tears creep into her eyes . Rachel was shaking when she turned and walked away . I had told a old man we both new to stay close by and she went to seek his advise and support right away . Thank God. To my knowledge No one I was with has AIDS.
I have now lived with AIDS and Hep-C for 17 yrs since. Only One piece of my battle with fear , dought , insecurity even much persecutions by ignorant people was just starting . People unknown and friends known would help me through all of these years of prejudices, fear, rejection and ignorance that still run rampant in this country.
All of your problems are very different from mine. The challengers are similar though. You are faceing a very troubling problem . I face a very troubling part in my life .
With help I survied my trouble and have done really well for the most part, alway with minor set backs. You can do this and recover (with help) please never stop asking for help from you friend, were ever they may be. Fear is a human emotion, it is not comfortable, but we have it and some how we overcome it. My deepest Hope is that you will persevere all your future events, a little better each time you confront them .
Your Friend Beatle
