Don't trip
Silver Member
Hello Everyone,
I have been here just lurking and reading once in awhile, but more often lately as I Google PTSD issues and certain threads on the forum pop up.
I'm really afraid to write this right now. I find myself in a place of great humility, shame and intense fear and guilt. My PTSD is horrendous for me at the moment.
I'm a survivor of multiple sexual, emotional and physical abuse trauma from childhood, as well as a domestic abuse survivor from two very psychopathic individuals. One I was married too for twenty years. Three years ago, my last relationship ended. I was in school at the time, but began to severely decompensate and became physically ill, eventually diagnosed with two autoimmune, degenerative disc, chronic sciatica, etc. I left school and was on assistance.
I got into therapy and was working very hard on my life. I filed for disability shortly after my PTSD diagnosis and physical diagnosis. I am a writer, started a blog for abuse survivors, and mentoring. The first year was incredibly difficult, the second year in therapy, was better, and in doing my work, I was finding great peace and passion in helping and writing for survivors of pathological individuals. Last March, my 18 year old son moved out and my assistance was dropped. My 21 year old son offered to help for a few months, but it was all he could do. I spent that time trying to build a business from my blog and mentoring. For two months things were going well. In all, I had one full year of peace and stability.
Then people were not able to afford to pay for mentoring. I never felt comfortable turning it into a business anyway, yet still loved my work, but I began to decompensate again as my financial stability began to be a serious issue. I looked for writing jobs without much luck, but have stopped now, unable to write as my PTSD is full blown and I felt more and more frightened and unstable. I have been in a severe depression because I know i cannot work outside of my home. My disability case won't be heard for another year or more. I've had to sell many items from my home just to survive and pay the bills.
I've reached the point of not being able to cope with even the basic of thing as losses mount. I recently lost my car too and with it, more of my independence. I feel like I've gone from survivor to infant, needy, clingy and desperate. I am so so so frightened.
I finally told my therapist that I couldn't hold it together anymore and needed more services through another mental health agency with case management, support groups for anxiety and mood, as well as a new therapist because I have to switch providers. The case management also helps with disability in that this person is an advocate for those who have mental health disabilities.
I was a stay at home Mom for 20 years. My ex husband left me with our six children, promising never to pay support, because if he couldn't have me, he wouldn't support them. This man, I found out later, sexually abused one of our sons. I have no regrets about getting out, but went from that to another abuser who was ten times worse. Anyway, I received child support for one year because my ex beat his girlfriend and wound up in jail and had to work as part of probation. As soon as he was done with that, he quit and moved back in with her, child support never to occur again and for only a year out of twelve apart. I've been trying to do this alone and my children are all grown now. I lived all those years trying to survive, knowing something was terribly wrong with me, but not what.
I have always been afraid to work outside my home. I didn't understand this my entire adult life, because with things that I loved doing, I was good at. I just cannot tolerate abuse, noise, people. Writing and mentoring were easy because it was all online, with a few phone calls here and there. It was safe. I felt safe, therefore, i had so much peace and room to grow.I worked 12-14 hour days, but had the freedom to step away, rest, and meditate when triggered. It was never straight time. While I'm grateful to have had that year, I feel as if I've lost my progress. I worked so hard at becoming independent. The financial piece was the last to freedom.
I'm hoping that the new clinic can help me and I can find some stability. I'm facing homelessness and I can't think straight. Every single trauma I've ever experienced is coming at me like a series of unrelenting flashbacks, nightmares and a constant state of stress. I look completely calm from the outside, I know how to wear the mask of 'I'm fine'.. People do not understand how I'm feeling. With those Ive tried to share about my terror of authority, abuse, manipulation, etc, they think it's an excuse. I'm seeing how debilitating my PTSD has been to my entire life and suspect I've had this since childhood. I feel extremely shamed and weak, full of guilt because I cannot pull myself out of this. I realized I've been running from PTSD and my traumas my whole life.
I feel vulnerable because I can no longer hide what PTSD is doing to me, nor my illnesses. I was diagnosed with another serious health issue the other day during my doctor visit. I can't believe that it's not related to this extreme stress I'm feeling. I keep flogging myself for not being able to just 'get out there' and get a job. I can't take public transportation, and I feel trapped now in my situation. I am filled with terror and fear. I'm isolated more now because people just do not get it. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable, even terrified to write this.
It's frustrating to be in this place. I pontificated for two years that if a survivor just had a mindset to move forward, things would get better. I've discovered that I'm full of S*it with this major relapse. My therapist agreed that I need more services just to become stable at a basic level (Maslow's hierarchy of needs here), and I have no idea how this can happen when I'm barely able to function.
I have no motivation, have not slept a full night in months. I'm exhausted from stress and without a car now, have nothing to live in should I become homeless. On top of this, my 20 year old son, who lives with me, has been having gut issues, and is normally very healthy. The doctor thinks he has Crohn's disease and his blood work came back abnormal. So he's out of the employment hunt until more tests are done and specialists seen.I'm beside myself with all of this.
I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar to this. The helplessness, hopelessness, sadness over so much loss in such a short period of time, is overwhelming. The psychological pain is excrutiating. Why can't I just pick myself UP here? I've been asking myself this over and over again...but I just can't this time. I will be 50 years old in six weeks and a lifetime of issues to still sort through.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
I have been here just lurking and reading once in awhile, but more often lately as I Google PTSD issues and certain threads on the forum pop up.
I'm really afraid to write this right now. I find myself in a place of great humility, shame and intense fear and guilt. My PTSD is horrendous for me at the moment.
I'm a survivor of multiple sexual, emotional and physical abuse trauma from childhood, as well as a domestic abuse survivor from two very psychopathic individuals. One I was married too for twenty years. Three years ago, my last relationship ended. I was in school at the time, but began to severely decompensate and became physically ill, eventually diagnosed with two autoimmune, degenerative disc, chronic sciatica, etc. I left school and was on assistance.
I got into therapy and was working very hard on my life. I filed for disability shortly after my PTSD diagnosis and physical diagnosis. I am a writer, started a blog for abuse survivors, and mentoring. The first year was incredibly difficult, the second year in therapy, was better, and in doing my work, I was finding great peace and passion in helping and writing for survivors of pathological individuals. Last March, my 18 year old son moved out and my assistance was dropped. My 21 year old son offered to help for a few months, but it was all he could do. I spent that time trying to build a business from my blog and mentoring. For two months things were going well. In all, I had one full year of peace and stability.
Then people were not able to afford to pay for mentoring. I never felt comfortable turning it into a business anyway, yet still loved my work, but I began to decompensate again as my financial stability began to be a serious issue. I looked for writing jobs without much luck, but have stopped now, unable to write as my PTSD is full blown and I felt more and more frightened and unstable. I have been in a severe depression because I know i cannot work outside of my home. My disability case won't be heard for another year or more. I've had to sell many items from my home just to survive and pay the bills.
I've reached the point of not being able to cope with even the basic of thing as losses mount. I recently lost my car too and with it, more of my independence. I feel like I've gone from survivor to infant, needy, clingy and desperate. I am so so so frightened.
I finally told my therapist that I couldn't hold it together anymore and needed more services through another mental health agency with case management, support groups for anxiety and mood, as well as a new therapist because I have to switch providers. The case management also helps with disability in that this person is an advocate for those who have mental health disabilities.
I was a stay at home Mom for 20 years. My ex husband left me with our six children, promising never to pay support, because if he couldn't have me, he wouldn't support them. This man, I found out later, sexually abused one of our sons. I have no regrets about getting out, but went from that to another abuser who was ten times worse. Anyway, I received child support for one year because my ex beat his girlfriend and wound up in jail and had to work as part of probation. As soon as he was done with that, he quit and moved back in with her, child support never to occur again and for only a year out of twelve apart. I've been trying to do this alone and my children are all grown now. I lived all those years trying to survive, knowing something was terribly wrong with me, but not what.
I have always been afraid to work outside my home. I didn't understand this my entire adult life, because with things that I loved doing, I was good at. I just cannot tolerate abuse, noise, people. Writing and mentoring were easy because it was all online, with a few phone calls here and there. It was safe. I felt safe, therefore, i had so much peace and room to grow.I worked 12-14 hour days, but had the freedom to step away, rest, and meditate when triggered. It was never straight time. While I'm grateful to have had that year, I feel as if I've lost my progress. I worked so hard at becoming independent. The financial piece was the last to freedom.
I'm hoping that the new clinic can help me and I can find some stability. I'm facing homelessness and I can't think straight. Every single trauma I've ever experienced is coming at me like a series of unrelenting flashbacks, nightmares and a constant state of stress. I look completely calm from the outside, I know how to wear the mask of 'I'm fine'.. People do not understand how I'm feeling. With those Ive tried to share about my terror of authority, abuse, manipulation, etc, they think it's an excuse. I'm seeing how debilitating my PTSD has been to my entire life and suspect I've had this since childhood. I feel extremely shamed and weak, full of guilt because I cannot pull myself out of this. I realized I've been running from PTSD and my traumas my whole life.
I feel vulnerable because I can no longer hide what PTSD is doing to me, nor my illnesses. I was diagnosed with another serious health issue the other day during my doctor visit. I can't believe that it's not related to this extreme stress I'm feeling. I keep flogging myself for not being able to just 'get out there' and get a job. I can't take public transportation, and I feel trapped now in my situation. I am filled with terror and fear. I'm isolated more now because people just do not get it. I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable, even terrified to write this.
It's frustrating to be in this place. I pontificated for two years that if a survivor just had a mindset to move forward, things would get better. I've discovered that I'm full of S*it with this major relapse. My therapist agreed that I need more services just to become stable at a basic level (Maslow's hierarchy of needs here), and I have no idea how this can happen when I'm barely able to function.
I have no motivation, have not slept a full night in months. I'm exhausted from stress and without a car now, have nothing to live in should I become homeless. On top of this, my 20 year old son, who lives with me, has been having gut issues, and is normally very healthy. The doctor thinks he has Crohn's disease and his blood work came back abnormal. So he's out of the employment hunt until more tests are done and specialists seen.I'm beside myself with all of this.
I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar to this. The helplessness, hopelessness, sadness over so much loss in such a short period of time, is overwhelming. The psychological pain is excrutiating. Why can't I just pick myself UP here? I've been asking myself this over and over again...but I just can't this time. I will be 50 years old in six weeks and a lifetime of issues to still sort through.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
