Sufferer Alone, survivor of domestic violence

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :hug:

 

[taffygirl]

I have spent today writing for the first time in years...cathartic


Tell me what you think....it’s purely for my benefit but I would like to know....


I think we are all made of glass...we get scratched, knocked, cracked and grow more fragile in time. Some of us are smashed into a hundred pieces, We get discarded or glued back together. Splinters of ourselves forever lost. Never quite entirely whole again and never the same.

When he met me I was a shot glass...meant just to be relished in a quick, heady burst, held by just fingertips and full of strength and fire. Compact and full of surprises - thick, sweet liquor which could make your chest glow or your face screw up. I was the final last hurrah of a wonderful night when each searches for their way home and to the promise of a longed for but heavy sleep.
Now I am a decanter once a thing of beauty and precision. I have been smashed countless times but have been pieced together. Each time never quite perfect and losing my worth with every careless touch.
My stopper rests uneasily, not quite fitting. I am worn and not wanted...bereft of the heady promises I once held - promises of secret conversations, deeply held convictions and comfortable laughter. My promise was never savoured.
It is a storyteller . It watched my life from a dusty locked cabinet and holds memories of missed opportunities, the denial of love and the solace taken in my own three eternal treasures. Each then misused, discarded and undervalued - precious only to me.
It mocks me. It teases me with it’s fruitless form and it’s hollowness. Laughs at my weakness and howls at my embarrassments.
Yet It also cries for my pain, my fear and my longings...it is a constant reminder of my emptiness and the hole in my chest.

one day I will be a flute...hopping from foot to foot in the anticipation of bubbly, cool liquid which teases my tongue and throat and dances in my chest. I will be filled with the priceless, the savoured and the tasteful. I will be enjoyed and celebrated with. I will be special and only a true connoisseur will truly appreciate me when I am able to be filled.
Until then I continue to peek out from behind the cheap cut glass - catching blurry glimpses of a future to come and the comforts that desperately beckon me. Waiting for that moment when I kick out the stopper, smash the decanter myself and discard the fragments.

 

[Supervixn]

Thank you for sharing your writing! It's very deep, intelligent, and I *definitely* relate. I'm glad it's helping you, keep up the good work and share whenever you'd like to!

I will be enjoyed and celebrated with. I will be special and only a true connoisseur will truly appreciate me when I am able to be filled.

Yes!!

 

[taffygirl]

THANK you x
I have been promising myself that I would start writing again but my confidence was destroyed. After the messages but I received yesterday on this forum after finally finding the courage to reach out I thought “sod it”!
Still have to disassociate myself but I’m in there’s xxx

 

[shimmerz]

smell, feel and sense him everywhere.

I recall having nightmares about mine looking through a window at me and starting to open it. Any chance to seeing a therapist who may be able to help you sever the attachment?

Also, is he still abusing you? If so, it might be a good idea to see a therapist. And..... (I know, I am chatty), if he is getting at your children I would definitely look for help for them. And..... if there is anything like Parental Alienation going on (google it if you don't know about it), then I would suggest getting on that with therapy for all of you. It is ugly. All of this crap is so incredibly ugly. I think they call it generational trauma.

 

[taffygirl]

We’ve been separated (since divorced) now for over 4 years. He continues to abuse me financially and plays the children off. Indulges on and ignores the other two until he moves onto the next. Will pay money randomly to them and then be angry because they’ve haven’t seen it quick enough or acknowledged it quickly enough. Never sent with a loving message.

Tells them how emotional I am and that I contributed nothing to their lives. Tells my daughter that she will need to utilise her brains to get ahead while my youngest son can use his looks - in other words she is ugly and he is stupid.
Hes put a virus in my computer
Paired my phone
Had another child without their knowledge and presented it on FaceTime (one month old)
Let me sign a contract for a property and then with

 

[taffygirl]

Obviously ... I went on and could go on
We are all so worn out x

 

[shimmerz]

We are all so worn out x

Yes. My kids are adults now. It is a real battle keeping my soul in a good place when I see what damage he has done to them. I am so sorry. No words to describe it really. Even now, all these years later.

 

[taffygirl]

Impossible to understand the need to be so cruel..:thank god we can’t eh?
I have just been reading about generational trauma and it’s something i have to consider

Bless you and your strength x

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Fellow Brit here bird. I feel your pain. And share it too as I was also in 3 serious DV situations. First incest in my family, got out at 21. Second, a brutal 2 year marriage to my eldest kid's father. Finally 23 years of f*cking hell on earth with my youngest kid's father which only ended 5 months ago. At least the bastard was never married to me but I lost both my kids into the foster care system as a result of his violence towards me and suspected abuse towards them. My kids are now grown up and have nothing to do with me. I really am all alone in the world but I have a dear little dog for company Buddha lol some good mates here on this forum freedom and independence and most importantly MYSELF. When I get flashbacks as you describe about my former abusers I try saying 'it's just a ghost' to myself and try to ground myself in the present by doing something bodily such as splash my face with cold water or stamping my feet or running up and down on the spot. Or get out with the dog for a walk if I'm not too shaken up. Even a bit of washing up or Hoovering lol works the trick. Might not work for everyone but it seems to help me. Anyway I'm sorry your ex is such a narcissistic knobhead mate. It must be a bloody nightmare him still taking the piss money wise and messing with your kids heads and feelings the way he is. I agree with @shimmerz about the Parental Alienation thing. It doesn't just happen with kids in a divorce it can and does happen with kids and their birth parents when the kids are removed into care. I've known some very narc social workers in my time and there is a big element of this in the estrangement between myself and my now adult kids. I won't say much more about this publicly as there are some folks on here who won't hear a bad word against social workers for reasons that are known only to themselves. I don't want to piss them off. Anyway enough of my crap in your position I would seriously consider getting the contact between your ex and your kids supervised. Before he damages them beyond repair and possibly all the relationships between you. A bloke like that won't stop until he has destroyed all you hold most dear, just to punish you for daring to break free of his control. The kids are fair game to that bastard mate. You need to find the strength somehow and the courage to save and protect them. I bloody well wish I had been able to do more for my own kids but they hate me because I just didn't know how. Please arm yourself with as much knowledge about what you're dealing with in your ex as you can because knowledge my friend is POWER. I wish you the best of British lol and if you ever want to inbox me please feel free. I hope what I've shared with you here has he you in some small way. We got your back mate. By the way your writing above ie your metaphor about being a broken glass decanter is brilliant :) just remember it's in the cracks where we are glued back together is where we find our strength. Just another one of Life's little paradoxes to ponder on. All the best and a big (((((hug))))) if you want one CD xx

 

[taffygirl]

THANK you CD for being so honest. Incredibly brave of you.
My ex has now moved to Singapore where he is beyond the British legal system - but thankfully unable to intimidate me in person.

I am so sorry about your children. I do understand some of what you have experienced as I let my eldest son to his manipulation - he became the aggressor his father was in his absence and it was heartbreaking.
However he contacted me just before Christmas and I think that’s what allowed me to take a breath for the first time and everything just hit me. I’d been holding it together and husband reaching out to me (after becoming 18) was amazing but I nolonger had to contain my sadness and pain.
People say I should feel better and I am thrilled but I am also so very angry at the games we have all been manipulated but in and the loss of one another and ourselves.
Your story was heartbreaking and I send my hugs and respect to you. Please inbox if you need an ear too
Much love TG XX

 

[taffygirl]

Apologies but I’ve lost my glasses and am struggling to type and spell!!!
I don’t make much sense anyway