Altered States of Consciousness

[shimmerz]

Does anyone else here describe their dissociative spells or splitting or whatever an altered state of consciousness? Or perhaps your therapist talks about altered states? If so, does anyone have information or experiences they would like to share?

 

[Abstract]

Yes, I have in the past shimmerz. From reading when I first started piecing things together this made sense to me. Not sure if you specifically mean the personality splitting type of dissociation or not.

Very roughly I see it as one end of the continuam me being fully aware and connected (talking about the basic human functions here and not anything more profound). Fully aware of surrounds, sensory systems all working, motor and body functions all working, real perception of self others and environment. Then along that spectrum to the other end is when various things are disconnected. A rough example? Fuzziness then more intense fuzziness with time loss, then collapse and fuzziness, then collapse fuzziness and total unconciousness. Like variations between being fully awke and fully asleep but in dissociation speak.


Interested to hear your thoughts. Probably on a totally different track to my fairly straightforward one Im guessing.

 

[shimmerz]

then collapse fuzziness and total unconciousness.

Abstract I didn't realize you did the collapse thing as well. Dubious distinction and I am sorry you have had to suffer through this.

It is my thought that dissociation itself is an altered state of consciousness, so by rights, most of us sufferers fall into altered states. And yes that would include a full on DID split.

I should have narrowed it down some so please accept my apologies. I think what I am trying to get to in this, and I am sorry the question when posed was so broad, is the feeling of watching from somewhere else in the room. Where consciousness feels like it is outside of the body and one is looking at the body from elsewhere. I am going to call that point where I am looking from the point of consciousness.

Generally when I dissociate I don't see myself from anywhere, but I feel like I 'go deep deep inside' of myself. Once, when I was very ill I literally saw my body from above myself (this is before I had been diagnosed with PTSD). That was the only time I recall this type of feeling however. For me it has mainly been a burrow deep inside feeling.

So maybe I can ask again. Are there any of you here that literally can see themselves from a different area of the room? Where you point of consciousness allows you to see what is happening to you? And did that happen when something was happening to you or does it happen as well when you are flashing, etc?

My apologies if this seems like an odd question, but I am trying to reverse engineer something here.

 

[MyWillow]

I see a lot of flashbacks like you describe. It’s very odd - calm to panic as I take in the scene. My psydoc suggested that I likely dissociated at the time. I don’t have regular memories of these things.

 

[Abstract]

Are there any of you here that literally can see themselves from a different area of the room? Where you point of consciousness allows you to see what is happening to you? And did that happen when something was happening to you or does it happen as well when you are flashing, etc?

I haven't done this for a while but I both did it during trauma, have it happen in flashbacks, and had it happen as a regular occurance in my life, probably for a lot of my life. In fact I eventually realised that most of my therapy was like this pre the last therapist as far as I can guess. Its sometimes beside, Sometimes above. Being inside myself in various ways was also almost my normal state of being. Either "riding" in my head behind my eyes or other things. I have also had experiences where I have watched myself from a distance about to do things that would harm my body and being unable to get my attention and stop it. One train incident that almost didn't end well. I felt I was a ghost. I looked at myself. I was white and slightly transparent. I was floating but couldn't control my movement. I was watching my body in the distance walking down the platform. Wont say more here. Other states where my arm has been harming me and I am surprised as if it is someone elses. What I tend to call the endless varied flavours of dissociation. But these more intense dissociative states haven't been something I have done for a bit now.

Irony of course, and which I find much harder to understand and is very indicative of my state of self for a lot of my life, is that I never for a moment questioned or thought about being outside my body or the other stuff. It just was. I always say I dissociated my dissociation.

 

[MyWillow]

I also find myself drifting sideways during T. Always to the right. I can’t see myself but I feel like my soul is drifting out of my body. It’s a little unsettling. Sometimes I don’t realise I I’m not quite in the room, sometimes I can identify where I went and sometimes I have a physical response afterwards - panic or floods of tears or both. Either way it’s exhausting.

 

[ILoveLife]

I had a dissociative episode last year that really scared me. It didn't happen before and it didn't happen again, but got me to look into dissociation in a deeper sense.

Was talking to a friend, a very triggering conversation for me but not about me, we were talking and I was speaking and all of a sudden I get "pushed" inside of myself and I realize I'm still talking but I'm not really there and I have no idea what I'm saying and she's smiling and agreeing with her head (so I guess I didn't say any major stupidity), then was able to bring myself back.

I used to black out when I was younger, and have depersonalization and derealization (I think mostly due to drugs), but without major trauma occurring and big stressors it never happened again.

 

[Starfire]

What you describe has been termed depersonalization. As you noted it is different from dissociation but still in the same spectrum of dissociative disorders. We don't do that...may have in the past. Think cuz we are too *chicken*!!! Don't want to be around in anyway!!! Think you'll find more info by checking out personalization. Hope it helps.

 

[ladee]

I don't know what my episodes are called. I have complete loss of any awareness, but still function, and no memory of what was happening. I just have 'black outs'. I have been doing this since was a child. I can remember 'coming back to myself' and usually always be in trouble for something.

When I was drinking, and had black outs, they did not scare me or concern me, because I had been doing this as long as I could remember. But this 'black out state' continues to this day.

I do not have any conscious symptoms that I am aware of. I'm just 'gone'. This will occur more when my stress level is high or an extremely anxious. And It's not like I'm even aware of 'coming back'. Someone may mention something and I have no recall of that situation or experiance. It even happens here. I will go back and read something I wrote and have no memory at all of writing it.

This has been my 'normal' my whole life, so I don't question it and have never thought to tell a T or MD about it. It's not something that has changed along with other changes I've experienced and managed to maintain in recovery work. I have no idea what it is. I don't think this is what you were referring to tho.

I can only remember one time of 'seeing myself from above' and that's been since I've been on the forum. I came here and asked about it. And it wasn't even a stressful situation when I did this.. I just simply am 'gone'.

 

[Starfire]

Sounds like it is now bothering you. So time to tell your T & MD I would think. Could be medical or psychological. Could be mild or serious. Seems like time to figure it out. Take care of yourself.

 

[shimmerz]

Really interesting all of the comments here and thank you very much for taking the time to respond. What I find fascinating is that the vantage point that we are looking from sounds varied; from person to person and as well from event to event. And it also sounds like varying levels of consciousness while in these states.

I am curious about this. I remember it struck me years ago when speaking to T-doc in one of my first sessions ever., He asked me a question about 'seeing myself from another part of the room'. I thought he was mad.

What I didn't know at that time was that I go inside. I can't 'see' me from anywhere. But I knew to answer inside. How did I know that? How did I know how to describe 'where I was'. I didn't have to think about it. I just knew. Like -- what is it in us that KNOWS where we are floating off to or burrowing in to? I mean, is that a 'part'? Has anyone's T explained further?

 

[Abstract]

Hi shimmerz.
I sort of chose not to delve into it too much as worried it would fry my mind a little as it is of course something very hard to understand. Its pretty weird concept. I didn't really want to feel weird. Thinking too much about it made me feel psychotic when it was just old depersonalisation. I did a little research at one time and I think is believed to be almost imaginational for want of a better word. Or in truth one part of the brain detaching from other parts,

I also did the type you are talking about (and practically anything else you can think of) a lot. I'm afraid I am not at all spiritual or religious as a person so keep that in mind. I just see it as the brain needing to distance itself from the situation in some way. Like a fuse in an electrical circuit. Its about to blow so the mind sections part of being off in some way.
Example? One I can think of.
Being very symptomatic and overwhelmed. Trying to work and speak to a client. Realising I couldn't meet her eyes and it was disturbing her. Me then going behind my eyes. Like a miniature person in a control tower and driving things from there. Because I am distanced I can then meet her eyes. The circuit it less overloaded.Of course none of this is consciously done and is automatic. Not like I make it sound here. By my mind "imagining" something it dilutes the intensity of the situation. Thats the way I understand depersonalisation.

Maybe where is just about where the mind feels will be more safe feeling in that moment. I think we know where just like any other situation of knowing where. I know I am lying on my sofa. If my brain is telling me I am standing next to my T then I know I am standing next to my t. Parts in DID may be different in a sense but I think it is probably fundamentally the same. If the parts are living somewhere internally in a house for example that is in a sense imaginational. Entirely real at the same time of course.

And we apparently keep a log of what things would look like from different perspectives and can use that information creatively. I totally understand your going inside by the way. Did that an awful lot in different ways. Also often felt I was driving the body rather than in it. Floating down the street and viewing that from a part of the body.