Always Shadowing Me That I Deserve This

[Artista]

As much as my logical mind wants to over ride the feelings I get about deserving the bad, here I am.
I am thinking how, the decline of my health, the latest of flashbacks, the lack of energy or will keeps nagging my head... you deserve this. You bring this to you. You always have.

When... when will my insides match my outsides? When will I finally say the words... "you are worth the good... a life of joy... a place to feel safe" and actually believe it through and through? And NOT just be words to hide behind? When will the shadows of this end their taunting? I keep believing when I get through all the repressed memories, I will have a choke hold on them.. but will I? Can I? Or are the scars so deep they keep resurfacing to be ripped wide open again? Maybe not as deeply, but painful and my lack energy right now in my health, has made me weaker for sure in man other ways. I thought I could handle PTSD being chronic on some levels, that i could find peace with most of it by heading to it straight on and trying to kick its ass, but now everything feels chronic. How can I fight mentally when even my body has nothing to use? Makes you think for whole moments, days... this is it. This is life. I had my peak. It's all I deserved. Just muddle on. I used to think about being triumphant. Now I am back to basic survival skills.

I would say to another.... no one deserves the pain. I know I would. I wish I could be my own best friend like I have suggested to many... and have heard from my T! Maybe I'm too tired to self talk my doubtful-self to death. I guess my own best friend inside me, doesn't have the energy either right now. Anytime in my life when things seemed to be getting better... that's just when the carpet gets ripped from under. Nice to know some things stay the same.

Wow... just proof read. Whatta bummer.... sorry but it is what it is right now. It bugged me enough to write it. Even though my eyes just about rolled back in my head and couldn't focus as I wrote... I'm off to bed. What a surprise. : /

 

[just me here]

Sounds like they got you when you were young. Me too.

Ask yourself: If you had to set out to convince someone that they were worthless, undeserving of happiness and fair treatment, that they had done something or were something that made it that way and you had to make it stick, last their entire lives, effect every aspect of it, which person would you pick?

Would it be someone that was truly bad? Probably not, bad might mean tough. Would you pick someone that had a firm support system and enough life experience to be confident in themselves? No way.

The obvious choice is a young impressionable person. I don't know you, I don't know if someone or something did this to you, but I would bet you were young. That's the way the injuries get in that deep, that's why I recognise the thoughts you shared here, I was young too.

Hope you get back the strength to kick ass again.

 

[AdamAnt]

You sound just like my SO. I have to point out to her the good things that she attracts to herself or she misses them. I bet you have those things too...Focus on them. Gather them to you and ride the storm out until the darkness passes and you can see clearly again.

You don't deserve this. It's my opinion that the people who do deserve this are immune because they have no soul.

 

[Blondie]

Your words really touched me. I have so many of the same feelings. Will I ever get over this and be triumphant. Like you I wonder sometimes if the scars are just so deep they will always be there ripping and tearing at me. I had 11 good years with my husband, he was so understanding and it all seemed to go away.....I did feel triumphant, but then the rug was ripped out from under me. Sadly my husband died five months ago of brain cancer..........now I am in agony and the flashbacks etc. are back tearing my world apart. Some days it simply feels like I am not going to make it. It really hurts and I get it.

 

[Artista]

Thank you to the above!!

Blondie... so sorry. I can only imagine the way you are feeling. I have always said, when we mourn, it is evidence that we were truly loved and that is bitter sweet... for yes, rather to be loved...yada yada but it just sucks doesn't it? I will be praying and sending the best vibes your way.

I am trying to see the light. Just difficult. Really difficult.