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Am i a rude daughter?

  • Post starter Post starter Deleted member 38906
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Deleted member 38906

I recently asked my mom to wait for a response when she knocks to come into my room. She usually does a rolling knock and i really hate it because I could be in the middle of getting undressed and she could walk in. Anyway when I asked her to wait until I said come in, she got really offended and walked out in anger saying that I'm rude. I really don't understand what's so offensive about what I asked. I have to add that she was bringing me food when she came in so she was like why'd you tell me to bring you food if you needed me to knock. Anyway I'm so confused bc I feel like she hates me now and all I wanted was a sense of privacy. Am I out of line here with her?
 
It's not out of line to ask that people knock / wait for a response before entering private space. However... It is out of line to ask someone to bring you something inside of that space, and then get mad at them when they do. And it's just plain rude to choose a time that someone is doing something nice for you to chew them out about what you don't like about them.

AKA You're both right, IMO.
 
You're lucky you had a room. At one point I got to sleep in the living room on a pull out couch, which I had to share with my mother. UGH!!!!!

I just think that maybe you should have a talk with your mom about what you need in the way of privacy, and apologize too.
 
You're lucky you had a room. At one point I got to sleep in the living room on a pull out couch, which I...
Pull out couch sounds like a tough deal. Sorry you had that experience.
I wish me and my brother could live in our apartment alone but my mom is really close with my brother so she's here too...
I feel so torn inside.. A part of me feels so bad for hurting her feelings and wants to apologize but the other angry part gets in the way bcoz she's so mad at her for breaking my boundaries when I was small. I remember how terrified I would get when she would barge into my room yelling and screaming in my face..that part of me hates her and wants her to go away and never ever get close to me without permission.
I just feel like such an evil person for how much anger I feel and I feel like I should be punished for not apologizing.
 
I get where you're coming from, but holding onto the anger isn't helping either. You all live together, and I guess you all should try to make it as civil as possible. Try and have a talk with your mother and see if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement on boundaries...
 
I think context is really important. Mum's aren't going to wait outside waiting for their 2 year old to invite them in, you know? But at some point, your room becomes a private space.

If mum has moved into your home, then the rules change again. But it's still going to depend on circumstances. If each person has their own private space, it's easier to make those spaces private. Whereas if the living arrangements are cramped... or if your mum is your carer... There are lots of things that are going to be relevant.

It might be a bit confusing to your mum to recognise your room as your private space if the expectation is that she's going to be regularly coming in for household chores, or bringing you food.

So, it may be clearer for everyone if you remove the reasons for mum to come into your space in the first place. If she's folded your laundry for example, negotiate an arrangement where you'll collect it from the laundry yourself.

If you've just asked her to bring you some food, though, I think may e it's a bit harsh to then expect her to hover in the hallway with it waiting for you to grant entry. From her perspective, it's not like you didn't know she was coming in.

Certainly when I've been sharing accommodation, it was always really important to me to keep my room as my private space. But like any boundary, people respect that boundary more easily and with less confusion if we're consistent with it. Which comes down to practice.

Now that it's come up? Mum might (she might not!) appreciate a bit of communication about what's appropriate and what's not. Communication is really helpful when sharing accommodation with anyone. It's not about feeling guilty for 'being a bad daughter', it's just about helping everyone be on the same page, and achieving that through healthy communication, rather than waiting for the moment tension spills over.
 
I think context is really important. Mum's aren't going to wait outside waiting for their 2 yea...
Everything that you are saying is logical and makes sense.... To a grown up with no prior negative history with their mother.
What I get hung up on is the fact that I asked her to wait with food outside my room in the first place. As well as not being able to talk to her about it. Both of those two things make me feel like a horrible evil person. What kind of person does that??
I'm my head I want to talk to her and I know that it's the mature thing to do but it's like my body has a mind of its own making my jaw feel really tight and making the whole thing feel absolutely difficult.
I have to add that normally I am always really physically activated around my mom. My body tenses up around her and I can barely even make eye contact with her. My T says it's a trauma response energy that's trapped in your body and it's getting activated cyclically around her... But how the heck do I get it out so I can have a normal convo with her??!
 
It might be best to think about finding another place to live. If she is in your apartment then it's your space, right? It's not like it's hers. If your brother wants to continue to live with her as an adult, it his issue for not cutting apron strings.
 
What kind of person does that??
Someone who has a history of trauma, and a very difficult relationship with their mum.

It is a difficult situation. Level, calm communication? Isn't going to be easy. Communication is a skill - we get better at it with practice. It may be that if you can communicate some boundaries with her, and you can reach an agreement that your room needs to be off limits now, "It's private space", it may alleviate a little bit of tension because your room will become a safe place to retreat to. Which it currently isn't.

My personal approach to situations like this is that when the tension is there all the time - communicate is inevitable. The only decision is whether I try and control the way it happens, and have a sit down with the person proactively to try and establish boundaries, or whether I just continue with the status quo - which is inevitably going to result in more stress and more out of control blowups.

Setting boundaries doesn't need to be personal. You don't need to tell your mum how you're feeling (sounds like she's already got an idea!). All you need to do is tell her (for example), "It's become important to me that my room is my own private space, and from now on let's arrange things so that there's no need for you to be in there..."

Worth giving it a try maybe? Especially if neither of you moving is an option right now...
 
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