Am I Being Rude?

[Casey_03]

Need help figuring out if I'm just a crabby grinch in this situation or if it's something I have a right to be irritated about. My roommate left several days ago for a business trip. On his way out the door, he left his keys and said, "I'm leaving my keys because this girl I know needs a place to crash for a few nights so she might come when I'm gone." I thought it was weird that he didn't ask me in advance, but figured it wasn't a big deal, since he'd been helpful around the apartment lately. Figured I'd let it slide. Then the day arrives when this girl is supposed to come. She was meant to arrive at 3, didn't show; texted at 5 to say it would take her several hours to pack; finally arrived around 9. So, I spent a good six hours sitting around waiting for her (I had to go downstairs to let her in). I was irritated but tried to be hospitable. Then I see that she has an absolute ton of belongings - several huge suitcases, plants, a guitar, boxes of books ... it suddenly seemed like she planned to move in permanently. When she brought all her stuff up, she told me she is staying here for two weeks. Not a couple days, two weeks. Moved all her stuff into all the cabinets in each room, made herself at home. And I feel really really really uncomfortable with this situation. She's a nice girl and all, but she's a complete stranger. And I don't want to be around strangers in my final weeks of pregnancy, let alone have them inhabiting my home. Now every time I want to go to the kitchen for food or to the bathroom, I run into her and she insists on making small talk. I feel trapped in my own room. She also has a habit of constantly cooking in the kitchen, which sucks, cause I need to eat about every hour and I find myself having to wait for her to finish. Am I wrong for thinking my roommate is out of line here? I'm the leaseholder and I am the one who is responsible for everything with the landlord. Which means if the landlord shows up and is unhappy about a random person being here, I'm the one who faces eviction and problems down the line.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am I wrong for thinking my roommate is out of line here?

NO! This exact same thing happened to me but the uninvited 'guest' stayed on my couch for months, rent free, and turned my house into a crack house, it was insane and my ex roommates never told me either.

You should of been told and in my opinion it is ok for you to set up rules and boundries that she must live by to stay there or she can leave. Also if you are ok with 2 weeks then after 2 weeks she must leave. If you agreed to a few days then tell that to your roommate and her that you werent told before hand and were told it would be a few days not a few weeks and you need her to find another place to stay.

Its your apartment hun, not hers, and you can say whom lives there or not.

 

[Kintsugi]

You're not being a grinch at all. Unless I'm a grinch, too. God forbid my normal reactions are grinchiness, because I couldn't imagine what pregnancy would do to my attitude.

I have real issues with this sort of situation. Y'know, if a coworker screws me over a little at work, or an authority figure steps over a line, I generally let it slide, too meek to say anything. But in this sort of situation, where I am the responsible party, and people are overstepping bounds in my home for which I am responsible? Oh, hell no. F*ck that noise.

Are you able to contact your roommate at all while he's on his business trip? How long is he supposed to be gone for? The same length of time as chica is supposedly staying? If it were me, I'd contact my roommate ASAP and ask if he knew that she was staying two weeks. If he didn't, it's a surprise to you both, and you can just chuckle and say, "Well, must have been a miscommunication on her end" and then set a new boundary with how long she can stay from there, one that is reasonable and closer to just a few days.

If he did know that she was staying for two weeks, I would probably ask him what possessed him to lie to the very pregnant woman who is legally liable and ultimately responsible for his living situation, because that is messed up. I would probably tell him to have fun on his business trip, and then I would give said chica 24-48 hours to pack her things and be gone, depending on how patient you're feeling.

I don't mess with that stuff. Especially not if my landlord could decide he doesn't like what he sees. I'd call the landlord or the office or whoever handles your living space directly and explain that there was a miscommunication, and this girl is to be out by such and such time, in case the girl refuses to leave or drags her feet.

In this situation, I wouldn't really worry about your roommate's feelings, tbh, because either he didn't realize her intentions and should agree that two weeks is way too long and the entire situation is invasive, or he lied to you and needs to stiffen his bottom lip about receiving the consequences for lying to the woman who is in charge of his living space.

I realize having a roommate probably makes this affordable and easier, but that is completely ridiculous. Believe me, I've done much harsher things in similar situations. Simon don't play when it comes to her place to live if she is the responsible party. You have to look out for you, because no one else will in these circumstances.

(((Casey))) Good luck, lady.

Oh yeah. ETA. I know PTSD can make this sort of thing hard, but I personally would turn off my friendliness as much as humanly possible while this situation gets sorted out. If someone is in my space, and I don't want them in my space, and they want to talk? I just ignore them as much as possible, giving one-word, uninviting answers or grunts whenever possible. If she's cooking and you need to eat? Tell her, "Hey. I need to eat. Baby on board. Please move your stuff." If she refuses, for real, girl, you can just kick her the hell out of there, anyway. You don't owe this woman anything. If she's rude to you, get that chick outta there as quickly as humanly possible. Call a friend to toss her shit into the hall or whatever. Call the landlord/office and say that someone is in your apartment uninvited and you are attempting to extract them but may need assistance. Remember that you are the one holding all the cards in this situation, not her or your roommate.

 

[watundah]

Grrr..This makes me crabby just reading it. The fact that he dropped this on you without discussion is dodgy. If you are the leaseholder he should have asked you if it's ok and you don't know if you can trust this person with your valuables, etc. In fact, you have a right to tell this person that you were misled and they can pay for space or leave. Maybe a bit grinchy saying that but you owe no one nothing, at this point in your pregnancy it's a major imposition and your roommate, I'm sorry, is a jerk. I would also have an upfront discussion about a finite end date.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Simon don't play when it comes to her place

Haha, that made me laugh but SOOOOOO true.

I had zero boundry setting abilties, I let it occur, was too scared to kick everyone out whom was already doing drugs in my house and then it starts to get sold; cops watching my apartment, NO ONE but me and my dad whom didnt live there at the time is on the lease which was against the lease.

I finally hit my bottom after a few months, he also jacked with my AC moving it as low as 62 because he was high and hot; i got an electric bill of $250...i have a 850 sq ft apartment, it rarely hits $150 ish dead summer heat. I finally said get the f*ck out, tonight. And you cant kick someone in the street here, you have to evict them, no matter what...even if they are a squatter; but he left peacefully thank goodness.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Um, not being a grinch, being reasonable and wanting to know what is going on! Obviously your roommate did not give you enough details or she didn't him enough details. Is there anyway to reach your roommate while he's away on business to clarify the situation?

 

[desiderata310]

Strangers in my home?!! That would be a recipe for Desi having s complete melt down freak out. It would NOT be ok. Ugh.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yep, all of the above. I smell a rat (or two). Get in touch with room mate asap & tell him you are not a boarding home for his lost souls. Tell her the same & get the hell out of your kitchen! Set boundaries till you get her out. No friends of hers over; no key's for her. Bad luck if she comes home late, you are not answering door after (set time) Has room mate sublet his rent & room to her?? Be prepared to oust her without notice. Be prepared to find another room mate if it goes wrong.

No you are not being unreasonable (hormones & PTSD taken into account).

Get her out. The longer she stays, the harder it will be to get her out.

When you do get hold of your room mate make it clear his behavior is unacceptable.

Just be ready to get a new room mate at short notice whom you are able to trust.

I would be livid; but keep it civil as possible.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you have boundry setting issues like I do (boundries are still new to me); Id say this is great practice for you!

Not rude in the least. Actually Id say you have been more than accomendating!

 

[Casey_03]

I asked him about it and he said she told him it would only be a couple days, then later (the same night she moved in) told him she couldn't find a new place for two weeks so would need longer. So I guess he found out at the same time I did. I feel a bit trapped because I failed to say anything when she initially told me it'd be two weeks -- I was sick with a fever and really out of it, so kinda just nodded without realizing what she'd said until later. The girl claims to really have nowhere to go and no money, and more importantly, she and I kind of run in the same circles for work (she works for a major international organization, so if there is a big scandal between us, it might give me a bad rep as a journalist who relies on the organization at times for reports). But then again, this does seem quite rude of her, not me. Arrrggghhh I know that I am being too nice to her at the expense of my own sanity here but I'm afraid if I throw her out, it will just cause more stress and frustration.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

and more importantly, she and I kind of run in the same circles for work (she works for a major international organization, so if there is a big scandal between us, it might give me a bad rep as a journalist who relies on the organization at times for reports).

Thats such BULLSHIT if she holds that against you.

Id tell her look, i was told a few days, not a few weeks (if you are), im willing to give you TWO weeks but then you will need to make other arrangements and while you here [set rules].

Id also bring up the work thing; look, this isnt personal, I just have a baby on the way soon and i have issues with needing my space blah blah blah. That way, hopefully, she doesnt bring it to work situation but thats bullshit if she does! Thats like holding you, and your home, hostage due to your job. That makes me even more mad at her!

 

[Casey_03]

@lostforgottensoul I apparently do have boundary issues. Oddly enough, I have no problem being assertive and setting boundaries if someone is being overtly threatening or very obviously trying to take advantage of me, but in situations like this, when there is no indication the person has bad intentions, I have a hard time putting my foot down. Because I know what will happen if I do -- I will feel guilty about it for at least three days and beat myself up over having been so mean; I will torment myself over it. I will question my decision and second guess myself and just generally feel like crap ... For Christ's sake, even when I complain over the phone about poor service from a restaurant or something minor like that, I end up feeling bad about it.