Am I Delusional? Will I Ever Be Able To "work"?

[sarahx]

Hi everyone,

I have Complex PTSD and have done over 2 years of intense therapy as part of the "recovery process". I also have read an outrageous amount of literature over 10+ years on everything from PTSD to personality disorders etc, I'm sure many of you relate.

I had to leave therapy for a year due to financial reasons (I also have Crohn's disease which led to multiple hospitalizations with insane medical bills I literally can't pay for etc etc), but now I am healthy enough to avoid the hospital and have returned to therapy. I'm grateful, but am struggling with keeping faith about my future and my potential.

I have not worked for the last 3 years. I had to leave a job due to workplace abuse and ever since then, even trying to start MY OWN business has been too much. Nothing truly comes together because I am mentally/physically/emotional exhausted to the point where all I can truly do in a days time is MAYBE brush my teeth, shower, read, nap... even grocery shopping is like a huge hassle and energy-sucker for me 75% of the time.

On any day where I try to think deeply or do some real "planning" (like scheduling a calendar, or plot out next steps for a business idea, the following day(s) I feel exhausted, blank, indecisive, confused, and/or depressed. The are many "normal" people who can do a lot in a day, whereas I can rarely promise anyone that all my laundry will be folded in a day's time.

I don't have the energy to be the person I use to be and simply am not happy being as INEFFECTIVE as I have become.

Here are just SOME basic things I use to be able to do each day that I CAN'T do daily anymore (I have zero consistency):

-Follow any real schedule/regiment/list of tasks for anything at all such as waking up, exercise, diet, hygiene, you name it.
-comb hair / shower / take all the vitamins+prescriptions I want or need to take consistently
-manage online accounts for myself and/or for companies (websites, social media, ecommerce, etc)

I will add that I am (or WAS...) extremely artistic, entrepreneurial and fashionable most of my life. Now I can't even make myself LOOK like the person I want to look like. The energy to do hair, nails, and wear nice outfits... although I deeply enjoy this kind of stuff, I have no mental space to get it all done. Let alone get things done such as start over my "career."

I feel like I have memories of traumas, shame, loss, failure, abuses, that touch practically ALL aspects of BASIC DAILY LIFE. Even though I have come a long way, I deeply question how far I still have left to go and if I have the stamina to bother, because if I can't be who I want to be, then I would rather just find a way to accept that now. So my question is, am I just being ridiculous in trying to convince myself that I can gain enough function to be a highly effective person?

If I have come this far and still can't even do basic self-care routines on any remotely** consistent basis... then am I just being insane for even telling myself to "keep going" because "one day" I will be able to be the successful entrepreneur I want to become.

Where the ______ is a list of successful people with COMPLEX ptsd? I am not interested in simply "functioning" just well enough to work and come home, rinse, crash, repeat and spend my life paying bills, YET that would be an improvement from where I am at today! Nonetheless, I want to be truly living aka thriving. I want to have the mental capactiy to come home after a workday and still be able to work on my OWN goals.

 

[shimmerz]

then am I just being insane for even telling myself to "keep going" because "one day" I will be able to be the successful entrepreneur I want to become.

I'll let you know. I'm going to get there or will die trying.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're not delusional.

I was about to start a thread about work-----specifically a discussion about those who have decided to work for themselves. I've come to the conclusion that working for myself is the only way I'll be able to work again. My need for an incredibly flexible schedule, the constant stress of being under someone else's control, amongst other things-------all of which add up to a near impossibility in being able to find a job that won't stress me out and worsen my health. The funny thing is that money issues stress me out and while working for yourself can indeed cause money woes, it's not a major concern of mine.

My advice is to do what you love. That's what I'm attempting to do and it doesn't so much feel like dreaded work. And it doesn't stress me out so much.

I kind of want to cringe at the word "successful" because it's a relative term and I know that some will look down on me for what I'm trying to do. But this is my issue-----I will never be the person I could have been or even what others wanted me to be.

 

[Suzetig]

You aren't delusionak. With the right help its entirely possible to become more than functional. I recognise where you are just now because I was there about 3.5 years ago and for a long time I struggled just to stay awake. I needed to nap during the day, couldn't get basic household stuff done and couldn't manage to be at work.

I've been in therapy for 3 years and a separate process of intensive self development for 2 of those years. It's been very hard work but I did gradually see my functioning returning, being able to be back at work, stay awake (which was a real achievement for a while), and start keeping on top of the house. The change was so gradual that I didn't notice until I was sitting one night and realised I got to my chair without wading through a pile of crap to get there.

I still have very hard days and times I just need to sleep but I can accept that because 80% of the time I'm doing really well.

 

[NotMyName]

Hi everyone,

I have Complex PTSD and have done over 2 years of intense therapy as part of the "recover...

I almost never comment on anything online but I registered just to reply to this.

It is definitely possible to work and to get enjoyment from your work, even with cPTSD, but you do have to recognize & accept that you have limitations and work within them. Also, you have to make sure your view of employment is healthy.

For some background (possible triggers for some in this paragraph, so you may want to skip): I'm male and almost 40 and have had cPTSD symptoms for about 20 years, and have known this is the problem for about 6 of those years. I went to university for Aeronautical Engineering but left due to pressure from my social network. For most of the last 20 years I was unable to maintain regular paid employment. I was technically "self-employed" but never made more than $10k/year. Without going into too much needless detail, about 7-8 years ago things reached a breaking point and I was separated from my social network. Since then I have had 2 people that I have any interaction with, including my wife. I've had 3 dogs, a brother, a sister, and a nephew all die within the last year, which has taken a toll, especially the sister who killed herself due to untreated BPD. Psychologists/therapists of any kind are not available where I live, and cPTSD is unrecognized as an illness. Some of those points are relevant to below, but I also want you to understand I'm by no means healthy or an 'ex-cPTSD suffer', and yet even in this state I am able to do some work that I enjoy and which has helped a lot with coping with cPTSD.

So, on to the employment aspect: About 5 years ago as part of my recovery I decided I wanted to try to develop some employment, as I felt this was a major contributing factor to my low self esteem. This lead me to the first lesson I learned:

I had to ask myself why I wanted to work, what I expected to get out of it, and whether those viewpoints were reasonable.

When the idea first came up, my motivations including feelings like, "Everybody thinks I'm lazy", and "What kind of man doesn't provide for his family? Why would I get married if I didn't have a reliable source of income?" Basically, lots of depressed thoughts and self-esteem whittling ideas. Those points were not reasonable. They led me to think that I could, and should, do things that I am not capable of, like finishing my degree, or working for someone else. Those thoughts removed my locus of control and placed it in the hands of imaginary critics. Inevitably back then when I tried to work it failed miserably, which led to psychological crashes and more trauma. It wasn't until I decided that I'm working because I want to, because I would like to have something to do which I enjoy, that my efforts started to pay dividends.

Related to this idea of how you view employment, I had a real hard time learning the second lesson:

Statistics like 50% of new businesses fail are legitimate, and failure of a business doesn't mean failure of me as a person.

I've tried to start several businesses - most failed for different reasons. At first this was devastating - I questioned if I was doomed, stupid, 'losing it', subconsciously sabotaging myself (something my sister often did - maybe it's inherited! I thought), etc., etc. But then one day I was listening to some millionaire on TV talking about all of his failed businesses and I realized that these experiences are universal amongst entrepreneurs - unless you're the luckiest SOB on the planet you won't have your first business take off. My failures would probably have happened to anyone else starting that same type of business in my area. I also realized that even though when a new enterprise didn't turn out the way I wanted it made me feel like I was doomed, or my last-and-only hope for happiness was now gone, those were only feelings. In reality there were other things I wouldn't mind trying. And then I worked hard at becoming enthused about these new prospects.

My current business is in electronics & computer repair. It was not something I was expecting or wanting to get into. Although I had equipment and qualifications for the work I didn't feel qualified enough to actually charge for my labour. On top of that, it involves interaction with the public which can be stressful for healthy people but was completely overwhelming to me. As I mentioned, I only have 2 people in my life - my wife and her mother who lives with us. I don't even use social media, and this is the first online post I've made in 4 years and it's anonymous. So how could I possibly expect to handle this work?

I had to recognize & accept that I had limitations and work within them

Every fibre of my being told me I should be able to do it all. And repeatedly I've tried - I've tried doing all the customer service, handling sales, dealing with irate customers, etc. And every time it was a huge mistake. At this stage in my recovery I'm just unable to do those things, and that's OK. So instead of giving up, and though I have lots of limitations that others may not have, I used the resources that I did have available to work around the limitations: For instance, at first my wife handled customers & sales. I did the technical work, which I liked. It took a while to get a working arrangement, and I had a lot of setbacks where I'd try to do too much, but eventually it settled down. I had to fight the fact that my wife could only work at it when she wasn't at her job and I felt like we had to deal with customers right away, and also the fact that she didn't understand a lot of the technical details and it was easier for me to just step in, but through experience I learned that my limitations mean I can't do that. Eventually business picked up and her mother, who was looking for something to do during the day, took over for her and we opened a room in the house as a shop. That increase in business, while good, led to more challenges. I was originally open in the 'new shop' 5 days a week 8 hours a day, plus working some weekends. I quickly learned that my limitations mean I can't handle that much. I was unhappy. So now we're open 3 days a week, 5 hours a day, and if we have to turn away customers so be it. The result is I'm able to work and get enjoyment from my work, and when I can't work one day or another I just take that day off and if I can I use one of the normally off days to catch up with what I missed on that day. It means I'm working without too much pressure or stress, which I can't handle very well, but I'm reaping the rewards of making a bit of money and enjoying accomplishing something. Also it gets me interacting with people (my wife or MIL) on those days that I'd rather crawl in a hole, which I've found has gradually made those days less severe.

So after writing all of that, hopefully you get the point that, yes, in fact, you can be able to work despite the cPTSD. If I can do it I imagine almost anyone can. And while your limitations will undoubtably be different than mine, you can find ways to deal with them if you accept that they're a part of who you are. It won't be simple or easy, it'll take some adjustment. But in my experience it's worth it as it can help with your recovery. It certainly has mine.

 

[StacyD]

Hi Sarah, I have complex PTSD most severe in the past 4 years. I am a RN and there is no way I could remotely envision returning to that role. I have completely isolated myself except for my large dog (best therapy for me). When taking the dog for walks, I realize I feel okay talking to strangers also walking their dog. Even in the times when I think these people are looking at me sideways (I ramble), it is still human contact. So, my newest brainiac idea was to register for a bnb (bed and breakfast)...nothing fancy, just a nice bed and coffee/cereal in the morning. Getting prepared kept my mind busy and I had customers already! Just started a couple weeks ago. I am not an extrovert but find just enough human contact with strangers helps fill the void where I used to have friends and family. The great thing with strangers is, even if you mess up, there will never be a shortage of strangers :) good practice for relearning social skills. (I don't seem to have the ability to carry on a 'social norm' conversation with out feeling like a knob :) I will see how it goes but if you have a spare room, it's a relatively easy business to run. You decide who stays at your house because people get reviews which helps determine who they are. I enjoyed the young couple who stayed, probably never see them again. ...perfect! :) It also provides a way to fulfill my need to care for others, on a teeny scale. ...good luck!

 

[StacyD]

Hi everyone,

I have Complex PTSD and have done over 2 years of intense therapy as part of the "recovery...

I am part of the list :) I function on auto pilot and always seem to manage to get the necessities done on my time. I also accept there are days where I feel I have taken a baby step forward and ended up 10 miles backwards. When I go backwards, I remind myself over and over, it's just a bad day because there is no logical explanation otherwise. Sometimes it's a bad week but usually I still force myself out doors even if it takes the whole day to finally get out the door. I always always feel better on a walk/hike...I have suffered from bouts of severe depression since a young teen but was still able to go to school and have a career. Super woman :) I proved I could do the job, raise 3 boys, fix an addict or two all at the same time :) Complex PTSD happens when you experience harm and do not receive the support required to heal. Our society is messed up! General population think mental illness is 'catchy' :( I became super woman so I could fix eveyone's problems so I didn't need to look at my own. ..hence, the past 4 years forced me to do just that. ...far from healed but my brain is intact (keep reminding self)...this illness is about emotions not intelligence. When I accepted I still have brains, I realize I can do anything. Be patient and listen to what gives you peace...I like hiking, photography, drawing, gardening. ..none of which I do on a daily basis :) but are clearly defined aspects I know help me. Find something related to something that gives you some sense of accomplishment already in your life...you may find a business opportunity that isn't too difficult and is flexible. ..start with baby steps and be open to changing direction if it isn't working for you. Most of all, don't beat yourself up for what you cannot do! Celebrate clean teeth and brushed hair. ..Monumental feats conquered :) :):) sorry, babbling

 

[StacyD]

No, you're not delusional.

I was about to start a thread about work-----specifically a discussi...

Hi Eve,
You will be the authentic 'real' you! Not the person who you think people see. Being authentic and vulnerable is scary but I find accepting I am not 'the happy go lucky' girl my family are waiting for is liberating. I have so many different 'masks' I had no idea who I really was. ..I'm not as bad as I thought I (personality) :) certainly needs refinement and polish but it's the real me not the one I think I should be :) and my family are loud and clear they want the other me. ...that's to fulfill their selfish need. ..I would rather be accepted by strangers who accept me for me:) and continue to nurture my 'self'.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi everyone,

I have Complex PTSD and have done over 2 years of intense therapy as part of the "recovery...

Gosh, I can so relate to your worries. I go through that every day....
Work is torture, people are very ugly beings and I am not in the least interested in people that are aggressive....
That being said I am working to slowly work more on a business too to perhaps one day free myself in that regard.

I am almost on the opposite spectrum: I am 52 and I am wondering: will I ever be able to leave the general workplace and finally get into the business world that I want to get into?

Do not know, all I know is that once I close the door to my place it is very tough to find myself, due to the fact that I am being actively stalked, very tough indeed.