Am I Doing This Right?

[Kaii]

Another trip back into the woods. This time not by foot and hiking but driving in the Jeep.

It was only a short trip 15-20 mins max. I had a hard time. As soon as we got into the woods, my stomach started churning and my chest was so tight it felt like it was going to explode. I kept taking deep breaths to try and relax but I the feeling of wanting to throw up wouldn't leave. My body/brain kept telling me that we were in danger and needed to leave immediately. Danger, danger, danger. It's not safe, it's not safe.

I did not enjoy it at all. I could not relax and enjoy the beauty that surrounded us. All I could see was a dangerous situation.

I felt very relieved when we turned around and got the hell out of there.

This is the second time that I have forced myself to go into the woods in recent weeks and to stay there regardless of what my brain/body is telling me. I wonder if that is the right route? Am I doing the right thing? Is this how I'm supposed to do it?

I thought the second time would be easier but it was probably worse than the first time. I wonder if that's because the situation was more similar to the day we found Sarah's body? We were driving the Jeep, on a dirt road in the woods and it was raining....the same as the day we found Sarah.

I could almost vomit just talking about this.

I have been put off work for awhile as both the doctor and therapist feel that I am not fit to return to work at the hospital and I have applied for short term disability. Just fantastic :eek::confused::(

 

[KP the nut]

(((Kaii))) I have no idea if you are doing this right. IMHO I think you may be pushing too hard. I would start with going near the woods but not into them until you can manage that, then build on that for v short periods.

My big target was to start driving. T wouldn't let me drive far just v start journeys, hell, at first I just had to sit in the car. I am improving but it has taken months.

I would take it very slowly and try not to be too hard on yourself. You will get there hopefully, just take tiny baby steps.

Sending strength
KP

 

[Mercy]

Dear Kaii,

That's a load of triggers at the same time. Can you walk without fear in a park with trees, or choose a different forest to get used to? Choosing another forest gives you the choice of slowly defusing the forest trigger.

Anthony would know best. I seem to remember that small consistent steps makes overcoming triggers more successful. This last post sounds like what happened retraumatized you. That's going backwards into further trauma no forwards to less triggers, therefore less symptoms and more incremental victories.

 

[anthony]

If I remember reading your last effort on this, you went via foot, panicked initially, but then felt really good about it.

As you stated, you went via Jeep when you where traumatised.

It is actually normal to fear and have all the thoughts you did... but here is what you haven't done. What didn't happen? Please tell me?

 

[Kaii]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "what didn't happen?". Do you mean what didn't happen this last time in the woods that DID happen on the day of my trauma? If so, then I guess my answer would have to be that we didn't find a murdered girl stuffed into a garbage bag...that certainly didn't happen. And there was no one waiting to get me in the woods, either. We didn't even run into anyone else. There really wasn't anything that happened, we were just driving offroad in the woods. I guess the danger I felt is all in my head but, damn, it sure felt real and very dangerous for us to be there.

But, but, but (says my brain)...Just because there wasn't anyone in the woods THIS time doesn't mean that next time there won't be someone in there waiting for me.

How do you turn that paranoid voice off, anyway?

 

[anthony]

You turn that paranoia off by reviewing reality.

How many times did you used to go into the woods prior to this event, without such an event happening?

Then... if this answer is lots... then you have a foundation of experience that factually counters your current logic of an event that only happened once compared to how many times have you been in the woods.

So that would give you a ratio actually, then you could even add probability into that equation... that it would not be unrealistic, to go into the woods every day of your life and not encounter that type of situation. You just happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, once in your life to encounter the situation.

This is the reality that you must use to counter the irrational thinking. I wouldn't say paranoia actually, as it is irrational thinking. You used to think rationally, without even knowing really... accepting that there are dangers that you could encounter entering the woods... but until you do, you don't pay any attention to those thoughts. On the off chance you do find that danger, you have to put it into perspective based on prior experiences.

 

[Kaii]

I see what you are saying now, thank you for explaining it.

I guess my problem is that not only did we find Sarah's body but we also ran into a man while searching in the woods(about 40 mins before we found her). He got out of his truck and approached us. He was a stranger. He told us that we weren't going to find anything and that we should leave and go search somewhere else.

.....I just typed a big long thing explaining what happened but my point is that this was a stranger that we met in the woods that had a dead girl in the back of his truck while he spoke to us. He dumped Sarah's body for the murderer and then we found her shortly after. She was in the back of his truck while we spoke to him.

My problem is that I do not trust anyone anymore. I feel that people cannot be trusted. Basically, people go into two categories for me now. There are "my family"(those who can be trusted) and then there's everyone else. This strange man seemed perfectly normal to me and my instincts failed me because he had a poor girl in the back of his truck who had been beaten to death and had her throat slit. I feel like I cannot trust myself to know who is and who isn't safe anymore and so everyone that I meet now goes into the "unsafe" pile.

I understand what you are saying about irrational thinking, but understanding something and believing it to be true are two different things. I understand that during the course of my hiking/offroading experience that I have only ran into ONE man in my entire life that had a dead girl in the back of his truck while he approached and spoke to me in the secluded woods. So, my ratio of psycho's to normal people encountered in the woods is pretty good. But my belief now is that it has happened once, how do I know that it won't happen again? and if it does, would I even be able to recognize it?

I am scared of other people now. I used to be green and thought that all people were innately good but meeting this man and then finding Sarah's body has shown me that this is not really true, that all people are not good inside.

 

[anthony]

My problem is that I do not trust anyone anymore. I feel that people cannot be trusted.

You must speak with other people... at shops, etc... do they hurt you? Are they killers?

Does a killer actually have a set look, feel or vibe? You believe your instincts failed you, so I am challenging what you perceived your instincts to be in the first place. Do killers have some type of distinct feature that stands them out in the crowd?

So, my ratio of psycho's to normal people encountered in the woods is pretty good. But my belief now is that it has happened once, how do I know that it won't happen again?

Good? Give me an approximate number of how many times you have gone into the woods before you met a murderer?

How do you know you won't go to bed tonight, and a planes engine falls off in the sky and comes through your roof, killing you?

You are challenging irrational thinking with irrational thinking. Identify irrational thoughts, identify logical, realistic facts to counter irrational thoughts, now choose which one you want to believe?

You don't just change your thinking, you have to work at it and constantly challenge irrational thoughts with facts and rational aspects as they arise, instantly, and you will find irrational thoughts dissipate.

Rational fact says, your life could be taken at any time in life. If you believe anything less, then your thinking is not rational to begin with, because that is a fact. Now comes choice. Do you take what is fact, being we could die at any time and thus not live life, seclude and worry about things, or do you accept that that is fact, that is logical, and choose to just get on with life simply not knowing when and where you are going to die?

I am scared of other people now. I used to be green and thought that all people were innately good but meeting this man and then finding Sarah's body has shown me that this is not really true, that all people are not good inside.

See... notice the words you use... "thought ALL people were innately good". ALL... really? How about the facts... the majority of people on earth are good people. That is realistic, instead of the false all or nothing thinking you have taken upon yourself, either all people are good, or all people are bad. Not accurate. There are bad people in this world, hence why we have prisons... though there are more good people than bad people, though we will be exposed to bad people within a day to day life, knowingly or not.

They don't have a look. I have watched TV shows from children, to pregnant women, to grand mothers, all shoplifting and stealing. If you looked at any one of them, you would not know they are a compulsive thief. They don't have a look or feel or give off a vibe.

 

[Kaii]

Does a killer actually have a set look, feel or vibe? You believe your instincts failed you, so I am challenging what you perceived your instincts to be in the first place. Do killers have some type of distinct feature that stands them out in the crowd?

I guess you are absolutely right. There is no set look, feel or vibe for a murderer or those who help them commit their crimes. I guess what I am trying to say by saying that "my instincts failed me" is that I feel "guilty". I never realised before this conversation with you that this was a feeling that I felt in relation to Sarah. I have felt horror, shock, anger, sadness and numb. But I never knew that I felt guilty, but I do. I feel that I was a trained professional who could have helped Sarah if she was still clinging to life in the back of that man's truck. But that is irrational thinking, isn't it? Because how could I have known that she was back there? How could I have known that that man was helping the murderer? It wasn't my fault, was it?

You are challenging irrational thinking with irrational thinking. Identify irrational thoughts, identify logical, realistic facts to counter irrational thoughts, now choose which one you want to believe?

You don't just change your thinking, you have to work at it and constantly challenge irrational thoughts with facts and rational aspects as they arise, instantly, and you will find irrational thoughts dissipate.

I will try and use this strategy. I do have a lot of irrational, fearful thoughts. I am going to have to work harder at identifying and challenging them.
I am finding this entire process difficult. I find that as I move through it and talk about it more, the worse I feel. My trauma therapist says that is to be expected and that it will eventually settle down and that I will feel more balanced in the end.

Thank you for your input Anthony, it has been helpful and has given me a lot to think about.

 

[Mercy]

You don't just change your thinking, you have to work at it and constantly challenge irrational thoughts with facts and rational aspects as they arise, instantly, and you will find irrational thoughts dissipate.

I remember learning some of this in therapy, challenge the probability that what I feared will happen. I guess my concern is when an irrational thought causes a flashback before I can challenge the thought. Do you suppose that writing a list of irrational thoughts and their counter thoughts when I am not triggered would help, be grounding?

 

[anthony]

Yes.