Am I Going Too Fast/doing Too Much Too Fast?

[void]

My therapist is great! He has to be to put up w/ me for 7 yrs lol :wtf:

He sent me here b/c h...

@lostforgottensoul :)

I encouraged you to slow down. I did not mean overall, you and your T. should be the judge of that.

You see, I am like you.
I get into mental states where my mind gets so revved up that I'm just pouring out my thoughts, memories and the past....hot & heavy....in that state you and I are very triggered and we need to slow it down.

We need to lower the intensity...breathe...feel our body...pay some attention to the room...
We are running frantically and we need to walk instead.
Nothing is gained by the high intensity.
Being 'present' is very important when we are expressing ourselves.

I had to be taught this by my T., I would get on my run-away-mental-train and my T. had to reign me back in.
She taught me how to become aware of this, how to soothe myself, feel the moment...it makes a big difference.

Self-regulation is what I am advocating.
I hope my words help you in some way.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I encouraged you to slow down. I did not mean overall, you and your T. should be the judge of that.

It wasnt just you, there were quite a few that have said it and it just made me wonder last night. I do plan on asking my therapist on Thurs but i can usually predict what he's gonna tell me and he likes to keep momentum going once i have it going cuz i get stuck very easy and when stuck cant seem to get unstuck for a LONG time, last time was a year...so since im not feeling overwhelmed i wanted to keep the momentum going but i was just wondering if eventually its gonna catch up with me knocking me so hard that i go to the place i dont want to get knocked to is all. I know that no one is gonna really be able to fully answer it, i just wanted some ideas is all.

You see, I am like you.
I get into mental states where my mind gets so revved up that I'm just pouring out my thoughts, memories and the past....hot & heavy....in that state you and I are very triggered and we need to slow it down.

I always spit out whats in my head without thought, always have on here. Hopefully the DMT workbook will help with that.

I do think that sometimes thats not a bad thing as sometimes i need to get it out of my head and let others know (get out the 'secerts') and the site doesnt restrict trauma content, sometimes someone just needs to talk about their trauma; like my reply to @Anarchy's question. I find that healing in a way.

But other times im trying too hard to get others to understand as i feel no one (using that words because its a feeling, though may not be reality) understands and im longing to be understood. Thats where im hoping the DMT workbook can help. Where i dont feel like i need to always defend myself.

I had to be taught this by my T., I would get on my run-away-mental-train and my T. had to reign me back in.
She taught me how to become aware of this, how to soothe myself, feel the moment...it makes a big difference.

In therapy and in real life in general, im way different then i am typing. I can type what i cant say. In therapy im automatically numb, i dont talk a lot, i usually have to be asked questions before i'll say much of anything but will carry on a conversation, i just dont start it when it comes to talking about my past anyway. When i have to tell him what happened that week, thats different. I dont look at him and im non stop trying to disassociate when we get to talking about the past, especially when he had me telling him about my past from start to now in order, I kept disassociating he he kept pulling me out of it. He asked me "where do you go" and i said "away".

I never ever cry in therapy. I have once but quickly stopped; he was reading a passage out of the christian bible in psalms i believe about how the christian "god" sees you.

Self-regulation is what I am advocating.
I hope my words help you in some way.

Something the DMT workbook will hopefully teach me but i still dont think its always a bad thing to spit out the trauma, sometimes it can make you tailspin but other times it makes you just let it out if you will. And i know a ton of people have an issue with how graphic the content is, not speaking about you or really anyone in particular, just in general, i appologize for that but sometimes or even a lot of times i have to just get it out of me and make it known to other people...that in of itself helps.

 

[Anarchy]

You actually knew the "followers", so that makes your take on what @Stickler & I were guessing at so much more powerful.

In an imaginary world, if your mum and step dad ever admitted that they didn't believe the crap your step dad typed and talked, what do you think that would leave them exposed as?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

In an imaginary world, if your mum and step dad ever admitted that they didn't believe the crap your step dad typed and talked, what do you think that would leave them exposed as?

Lying, abusing, sick, f*cked in the head, pedophile criminals.

But, why cant i internalize that about the stuff about me though? Like debunk the entire cult and cult beliefs all at once?

 

[Anarchy]

But, why cant i internalize that about the stuff about me though? Like debunk the entire cult and cult beliefs all at once?

I wish I knew
The self hatred "i'm bad, therefore...." shite is so difficult to penetrate.

It seems that friends and genuine well wishers' with flawless logic can not penetrate it at all

but offer it a single ill chosen remark from anyone at all (even someone who would never be take seriously in any other context) and that goes straight in and is accepted with a blind confirmation bias.

I don't know the answer.

Lying, abusing, sick, f*cked in the head, pedophile criminals.

yep, the sickest abusing, bullying, twisted, gaslighting, pimping...

I don't believe in a devil, or a hell, but with stuff like that, it would be so comforting to believe in an afterlife where the innocent were made whole and their abusers punished.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The self hatred "i'm bad, therefore...." shite is so difficult to penetrate.

It seems that friends and genuine well wishers' with flawless logic can not penetrate it at all

but offer it a single ill chosen remark from anyone at all (even someone who would never be take seriously in any other context) and that goes straight in and is accepted with a blind confirmation bias.

You mean like someone says "thats not true because XYZ" and i fight it but someone says "you're did something bad or you're horrible" and thats internalized and taken as truth?

Er at least thats how i understood what you said and if thays what you meant thats TOTALLY true.

It does suck cuz i just feel so trapped inside of a cult mind, my cult side fighting every (and every body) i do to try to get better but me, the real me trapped inside despertly wants to get better and so it feels like im split in half, almost like two personalities w/o the DID stuff.

My therapist says it shows how well of a job they did at 'brainwashing' me due to how tightly its packed cuz i used to have drop down fights with him stickicking up for them. Seriously. I used to be way worse 7 yrs ago lol.

My therapist says its 'loosening up' a lot now so may theres hope?

yep, the sickest abusing, bullying, twisted, gaslighting, pimping...

I don't believe in a devil, or a hell, but with stuff like that, it would be so comforting to believe in an afterlife where the innocent were made whole and their abusers punished.

I think there's a special bad place for them. Er i hope anyway!

 

[EveHarrington]

If you speed through healing you risk "going through the motions" and having nothing really stick. I think it's important to heal at a steady pace. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Our minds need time for things to settle in before we jump to the next thing. I don't think anyone with PTSD can say that they could speed through healing and pick up the most important skills lickety split. Healing takes practice, practice, and more practice. I fear that you're so eager to heal that you're not fully immersing yourself in any one aspect of the process. If a learned skill, change in thought or behavior isn't fully absorbed, it's much more likely that it will be forgotten in the future.

 

[void]

It wasnt just you, there were quite a few that have said it and it just made me wonder last ni...

Thank you:happy:

btw, what does DMT mean?
i googled but idk???

 

[void]

But, why cant i internalize that about the stuff about me though? Like debunk the entire cult and cult beliefs all at once?

The reason is because you have been programmed.

Programming vs. teaching

Programmed 'beliefs' are not like regular beliefs at all.

When a child is programmed, specific cognitive structures are deliberately and expertly crafted(which can take years) to make the subject submit.

Teaching merely creates mental associations between various ideas. These can be changed quite easily with additional teaching that explains the erroneous ideas that were originally taught.

Programming can be undone...there is reason for optimism, but expert guidance is often needed to dismantle the programming.

This why on one level you 'know' that the cult teaching are false, yet despite that you remain confined by the programming.

Does that make sense?

 

[void]

It does suck cuz i just feel so trapped inside of a cult mind, my cult side fighting every (and every body) i do to try to get better but me, the real me trapped inside despertly wants to get better and so it feels like im split in half, almost like two personalities w/o the DID stuff.

My therapist says it shows how well of a job they did at 'brainwashing' me due to how tightly its packed cuz i used to have drop down fights with him stickicking up for them. Seriously. I used to be way worse 7 yrs ago lol.

Yep, see this is exactly what I mean:tup:

The whole point of these programming methods, that have been researched and perfected by these FVCKING monsters(over many generations), IS to force the mind to become 100% submissive/imprisoned so that total control can be maintained. What they do is designed to be resistant to any and all forms of change...so the victim remains silent/trapped/obedient.

 

[Friday]

What do you think? Too much at once or will all of these things eventually come together and build on each other?

Could be either.
Or something of a combo.
Or something completely different.

What I've learned to do in my own life is look at the results of what I'm doing.

Both in the micro... Like if I'm taking 1 post (or thought, concept, book, person, etc.) and spinning the f*ck out over it? Going off in 12 different directions? I need to slow down. Okay. 1 thing. This thing. This piece. Right here & now.

And in the macro... If I'm staying very focused, calm, clear, concise, on topic (however many there are, 1 or 712) but the effects on my life are unmanageable? I'm spinning the f*ck out there? Same thing. I need to slow down. Ease up on the pressure, add some balance back in, & sloooooow doooooown.

There are times in my life where I'm very easily capable of managing several balls in the air at the same time. There are times in my life where I need several things working in concert in order for anything to work at all. (The opposite of slow down, is when I need to dig deep & speed up, use the momentum instead of fighting it. Same rule of thumb; look at the results of what I'm doing). And there are times in my life where no matter how much I want to be moving faster, I need to be applying the breaks.

How I go about determining whether I'm good, or need to slow down, or need to speed up? First my own estimation, and second the estimation of those I trust. I'm most typically working solo / don't have others opinions to help me (or fight against). Which means that I've learned, through trial and error, that sometimes my estimation is dead in the black, and other times it's just dead wrong :)shifty: usually when I want something. Sigh. I've learned that the more I want something, the more biased I'm going to be in my own appraisals. That's just a me-thing, though. As always, some people will have the same hangups, others will be the exact opposite). Adding the opinions of others makes things a bit more complicated. My estimation + Their estimation = ________? When they both agree, whether we're right or wrong in our estimation, no worries. When there's conflict? LOL. All depends on who the other person is & how much I allow them to influence me! In the end it always comes down to me making decisions in/for my own life. As no matter how much I value someone else's opinion, right or wrong, it's my life. The living of it is my responsibility.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I fear that you're so eager to heal that you're not fully immersing yourself in any one aspect of the process. If a learned skill, change in thought or behavior isn't fully absorbed, it's much more likely that it will be forgotten in the future.

I totally understand and agree w/ that. I am def working through the DMT workbook slowly (most dyslexics have to anyway) but i want to fully understand that and the way its written, its easier to apply to my actual real life; which is awesome.

The other two are still a work in progress but not as much as the DMT workbook as I see the book as the most important thing, and w/ the skills of the book i can investigate the others and the new thoughts, feelings, & emotions w/o as much negitive emotions/tailspinning as possible.

But, all of that being said, there is WAY more going on w/ me than Mindfullness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotional Regulation, & Distress Tolerance too. i just feel if i do just the book then im not doing as much as i should or could...working on the core of what i believe, core of everything, my core beliefs. And since anthony have me the roadmap to follow i have been trying to do that too (though i still dont think im down to the dmall part i need to be) but if its my core, shouldnt it be first? The DMT book is VERY important and my inabilty to control my emotions & feeling the most extreme of all emotions & reacting in the wrong way is what causes filks to be upset here, and in real life, so thats ehy the DMT book is do important and likely will slow or help a tailspin when i hot one so im feeling i need to at.least do those two. So i dunno.

Im not arguing w/ you, not at all. Im just comflicted i guess. I can see how it can cause a frieght train to hit me so hard that i tailspin fast into suicide land; but just with so much that needs to be worked on, if i take one at a time it will take me the rest of my life to get better.

I think at least keep trucking on the core beliefs as i havent even figured out how to apply what i wrote in my diary to me or if thats still too broad or not. I think it is cuz i can seem to apply anthony's process to it, or im thinking about it wrong, one of the two and def keep working in the DMT book and back off it all if i feel overwhelmed.

Or maybe take a break here or there. Is that what you mean? Like take breaks to let it sink in? I do sorta, thats why im working 3 at once, lets me change gears to let A sink in and go to B then to C then back to A now that A has had a chance to sink in. Actually C being my core beliefs, i havent touched that in a while. Maybe go back to it tonight since i worked w/ the DMT book last night?

Sigh! Im too complicated!