Cabinfever
New Here
I have to say, this sounds ALOT like my Mr. Past. Mr. Past and I had a sexual relationship initially, and then after a couple of months, he told me that he didn't like sex and that it made him feel overwhelmed and in physical pain. When we'd talk about it, sometime he would say that he had no libido, sometimes he would say that he had a strong libido. I could never get a clear picture of what was actually going on with him because, he didn't know what was going on with him.
Because of my extensive sexual abuse history, I had mixed feelings about phasing into a long-term sexless romantic relationship. On the one hand, I thought that that situation would be ideal, since sex is something I only 'enjoy' before there is any real closeness or intimacy. On the other, I felt very rejected and was sure that he just wasn't sexually attracted to me, but didn't want to tell me straight out. His no sex policy really messed with me.More than I ever thought it could.
He and I were always guessing about what the other person's motivations truly were and finding secret meanings in everything. It was very stressful.
Later I learned about a psychological theory of infant-caregiver attachment (which has since proven to be a biological fact now that we have such advanced technology for monitoring the hearts and minds of infants), and how our early attachment styles often carry on into our adult relationships. There is much information to be found online (especially youtube) but here is the jist:
The way in which our earliest primary caregivers attended to us as infants, effects how we feel about becoming intimate (not necessarily sexually) with someone else. It also effects how much we trust other people and ourselves when in relationships. Depending on what developmental stage you are looking at (infant mother bond vs adult romantic relationship bond) there can be slightly different terminology used... so if you look this stuff up, be aware of that.
There are 4 basic categories: (I am GREATLY simplifying this, so if you're interested you will want to do a little youtube viewing or reading online from someone with more credentials than me)
Organized Attachment:
1. Secure attachment style: (Majority of adults world wide. Considered to be healthy attachment - comfortable with both intimacy and independence in a relationship)
Organized, but Insecure attachment styles:
2. Avoidant attachment style: in general, uncomfortable with intimacy - dismissive of relationships
3. Anxious attachment style: in general, uncomfortable with independence - preoccupation with relationships
*There is a connection between "sex-withholding' behaviors and avoidant attachment styles.
This is what I learned about Mr. Past... he felt uncomfortable about sex, and although his other complaints about sex were somewhat legitimate, when it all came down to it he didn't want to have sex with me because he had inner feelings of revulsion regarding sexuality in general and felt a strong aversion to intimacy (trusting, relying on others and having others rely on you). I don't think he put up the wall on purpose. It was what he felt he had to do to protect himself, which is fine... BUT... I had to walk away because it was not conducive to my recovery.
Disorganized Attachment: in general: There is confusion about relationships and their significance within the person's life, difficulty with the concept of trust, profound feelings of detachment from humanity in general, possible lack of ability to empathize with others, and difficulty feeling connecting to another person.
Disorganized attachment is usually the result of chronic, early childhood trauma, especially: severe emotional neglect in the first year of life (as is found in children from war-torn countries who have been raised since the first days of life in an orphanage); infants cared for by mothers with untreated post-partum or clinical depression, or who have been recently traumatized by severe losses or abuse; interruptions in ability to be with the primary caregiver in the first year of life (think foster care - multiple placements), death of, or abandonment by the primary caregiver within the first year of life.
Important people who contributed to this theory and are highly google search-able: John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main Philip Shaver, and Dan Siegel.
I find personally, that Dr. Dan Siegel does a very good job of explaining how this theory actually works in the real world. There are some snippets of interviews with him on youtube where he goes into detail about the different "attachment styles". This might be a theoretical framework, or tool, you could use to take a hard look at the reality of your current relationship.
Hope some of this helps! Hang in there :)
