I've been reading this thread with interest and some anxiety. Like you
@Tigergirl1217 I have experienced medical procedures on my genitals, lots of it, too much to describe, two or three surgeries each year, throughout my childhood, starting age 3 and stopping when I was 16.
So I can relate to your experience, although I am male. Based on my own experiences and the consequences of those childhood experiences, I don't think you are nuts to ask the question or feel as you do.
In the late 1970s, when I was about 14 years old, I'd just had yet another operation on my penis, this time at a different hospital that specialised in reconstructive surgery and skin grafts (plastic surgery in those days). During previous operations, each day after surgery a nurse would wash the wound (to try prevent infection I guess), It was always very, very painful, swollen, black and blue and covered in blood. On this occasion having finished cleansing it the nurse, produced an aerosol can, which contained a freezing spray and told me she had to spray me to stop an erection. She didn't explain why. After about 30 seconds I started screaming as the spray burned my skin. I forcibly pushed her away, but she showed no sign of understanding, compassion or remorse. It seemed to me that she enjoyed doing it. I hadn't been treated by this nurse before. Each day for the remaining two weeks in hospital I endured the same treatment, although I asked them not to spray me for so long. I am guessing they were concerned that an erection would damage the skin grafts, but they never explained that or gave me the option to treat myself if I needed to.
I have never recovered from having to lay there, naked, submitting to what I found to be a massively humiliating and painful experience.
During another spell in hospital a 'medical person' took photographs and then masturbated me. He said they needed to check if I had normal sexual function. I lay there and allowed him to do it. I was given no warning, my parents never mentioned it and I never told them.
Did these people set out to make me feel humiliated, to take away any essence of control I had over the most private part of my body? I really don't know the answer. I have been troubled all my adult life by questions about these and the medical experiences I endured. Was it really necessary, was it sadistic, was it abuse? I'll never know.
What I have come to understand over recent years is that as a child these experiences were traumatising, and for me that is what really matters. These experiences left me with an array of 'issues' and coping strategies that are very self damaging, physically and emotionally, and I battle with them every day.
I used to compare my traumas with others and think mine are nowhere near as bad, and not bad enough enough to justify my behaviours and problems, so I blamed myself. I still feel that way to some degree, but less so these days.
Sorry this is a bit rambling - I still feel awkward writing about it, but it's progress. Believing that I suffered a traumatising experience has been a start. I hope it's a start for you too.
Mit
